Alex - The West Coast Avengers 

 

A nerd if I ever did see one. One look at his team name and there will be no doubt. It is said that Alex is incapable of jerking it to completion if there is zero presence of a tightly dressed man fighting crime. As Alex says “Superhero’s biceps are the new boobs” Upsettingly, no one told him that getting a perfect SAT and ACT score wouldn’t help him get girls. For most of his life the friendzone was the endzone. All of this pent up semen resulted in the making of candles. Whether these candles are filled with wax or cum is still up in the air. Though as they say, “a classic ‘dick stuck in zipper’ fiasco at the age of 7 will forever change a man”. Alex is credited with assisting sports science in their research of whether or not a zipped cock can still bear children. The answer, just like when Alex is offered a lightsaber pegging, is a strong yes. 

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Zach - The Baja Golden Piranhas 

 

The eldest brother. The man who really brought the league together. For him, business is always personal, as in, everything is personal. In his world, there are no such things as games. Even something as playful as a titty twister or a dunkaroo on the ole man breasts is viewed as a punch to the face in his eyes. This man’s chesticles are completely off the table, no matter who it may be. The man could be harder than Niagara's current and the slightest of grazes to his chest will result in a flaccid skin flute for the next two weeks. A man that is hard to talk shit about because he has always, and will always, do absolutely anything for anyone he cares about. Though, the handsome rascal who pleasures the minds of league members has never let that stop him. When everything is up for grabs, including Zach’s love handles, (not to be confused with his love handle) poking fun is expected. 

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Luke - Dallas Big Ds 

 

The youngest member of the league whose team name is not an over compensation but rather an understatement. Luke is a man of the people. With the profession of playing video games for a living, he does not shy away from pressure and bathes in the limelight. A master with his hands they say. Took his talents away from college and honed his skills on the cyber pitch. A cock of duty specialist and a down right beauty. Who needs college when you can strengthen your finger blasting abilities while at the same time make a living. Luke is the modern day Johnny Sins with a couple small caveats, he shows less dick and has a completely different definition of the word tea bag. 

 

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Joe - Cordoba Gauchos 

 

Cut from a cloth soaked in dark liquor and wrapped around a pair of double d breasts. This cowboy is the resident rabble rouser of the league. If the pot isn’t stirred, Joe will most certainly jump in to ensure the league gets something edible that they can sink their teeth into. The man who patented the one slap hug. It is said that when rogaine came up with their hair growth formula, the key ingredients were extracted from Joe’s beard. I mean the man can grow a beard more impressive than the size of Paul Bunyun’s ox. Not surprising though when our fearless Lebanese commissioner was born with a full set of pubes. He has never dated a female whose face you would look at first. Interpret that as you may. (Boobs, it's the boobs, the boobs is where you would look, my man fancies himself a conqueror of mountains and Everest is never out of the question.) Shredding a six-string is one of his favorite hobbies and shred he does. 

 

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Gene - Hill Valley Mandelorean 

 

In a world where beasts roam the lands, Gene is by far the harriest creature known to man. His likeness takes after that of a hairball. A primate in every sense of the word. He met his wife on bumble despite him being so hairy that he has to shave his eyeballs. This bear comes out of hibernation the moment his arch nemesis, Jonah, does anything sub par. Jonah lives rent free in his head and that is a fact. Though his physical shape is nothing to brag about, he is more willing to spend 250$ on dinner and drinks for the league rather than being forced to eat 12 waffles. Aka the word pussy is derived from the latin word Eugene. 

 

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Tony - NY Hibernating Giants 

 

An asshole if there ever was one. Hails from the state of cheese. While most boys had pictures of cars or women on their walls growing up, he had a picture of Aaron Rodgers in a jock strap. On a completely related note, he would also never allow anyone to bring a black light in his room. If he is not in first place, he is keen to remind the league constantly of a time that he was. Being close friends with Michael, this shit sipper has used Michael’s friendship and lack of football knowledge to his advantage time after time. With saying that, Tony is the only one in the league who has two teams. He believes he is the smartest man in every room he walks into and struts around with the pompous demeanor of a bed bug after successfully having themselves a bite. Research proves that small pork sword syndrome can cause these side effects so it is nothing out of the norm. To prove he could in fact grow facial hair he once shaved his ass and glued it to his face to make a mustache. 


 

Michael - Pawnee Swansons 

 

The out of towner. The new father of twins. The layup. The guy every fantasy league has. The definition of a bye week. If not setting your lineup was a person, it would be Michael. A man of many talents but multitasking is not one of them. As Michael would say “When life gives you lemons, forget about fantasy football.” He had years of kinda showing up in the group chat but even at his best, five texts a season has never been enough. Went to Notre Dame and has all of the ‘could this mixer be any whiter’ pictures to prove it. Once rocked a puka shell necklace by choice. 

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Mark - Flint Tropics 

 

A Sin City native. The seasoned veteran of the league who always seems to find himself in contention for the championship. He always seems to have something up his sleeve. Was once a great manager, but over the years, has somehow become even stronger. May it be his profession in sports data or giving life to three overly analytic enthused sons, no one knows. The tribes of yore have referenced this man’s powerful nutsack by saying “it is as if his semen has stat sheets embedded into them.” 

 

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Yassine - Atlanta Chokers 

 

The virgin. The new guy. The first time bull rider. Now a major fan of football but had never watched a game just two years ago. This dickhead was created from nothing apart from a season of fortune. The king of double dicking. One week he calls a player washed and the next he calls that same player the greatest man alive. Loyalty is a word that he will never understand despite looking up the definition multiple times. This ego of his is fueled by his daily pumps to his penis. Magic Mike is his favorite movie. If you search ‘mirror selfie’ on Google, a picture of Yassine will pop up. Despite being from Georgia, he named his team the “Atlanta Chokers”, making it apparent to the world that his character resembles that of a major ignoramus. 

 

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Jonah - Washington Foreskins 

 

The writer. The pleasure giver. The mind arouser. The standout athlete of the family. The big papa who always delivers. A giggle or two is the fire to his flame. Considered by many as a broken horse. Though his previously torn ACL, MCL and meniscus did not stop him from playing collegiate football. Lives by the code of the bro and holds loyalty above all else. He has had Josh Gordon on his Fantasy team every year since he was rookie whether or not he was suspended and has never waivered on how high he regards him. Jonah is a man who loves film and actually ranks every movie that he sees and keeps a list of them. He has also seen The Office all the way through over 25 times.