Mother truckin kitten titties. You know who it is, Mr. Loses By .3 Points. Welcome back boys and girls, what a Mayflower of a first week we had. Some teams exploded like the first night their significant other gets back from a week long trip while others looked like they had a chronic case of whiskey dick. All in all I am just so happy that football is back. I am sure we are all in agreement on that. The best time of year and it is not even close. I was more jazzed up than Jason Segal reading in the script that he gets to kiss Mila Kunis at the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. So without further ado, let's get into this week's meat.. 

 

       I have listened to the critics and decided to bring you boys another story this week. I must warn y’all though, I am in a pretty delicate place right now after a .3 point loss, so brace yourself and make sure your seat belt is fastened because this ride is one that is sure to get aggressively bumpy. 

 

       For my story this week I have decided to enlighten each of you on the time I went searching for the eighth wonder of the world, King Kong. All of you might have heard stories or seen movies on this subject in the past but I assure you, the lot of them could not be more wrong. It is now that you will be exposed to the truth behind the legend of this majestic beast. 

 

       The story takes us back to the year 1950. Four scores and 7 dicks ago, following the gold rush in the states, people were obsessed with searching out and finding pricey resources in hopes of bathing in riches. For me though, it was more about the discovery and the journey that they would take me on. I was lucky enough to have discovered a gold mine early on in the goings and was quick to sell the rights to it so that I could continue on with my adventures of discovery. With enough money in my bank account to use hundred dollar bills as toilet paper, I was adamant about finding what it was that I was going to go after next. While enjoying a nice glass of aged bourbon in a Californian pub, I overheard two very intoxicated men talking of an undiscovered island that was allegedly home to the greatest riches the world had ever seen. I continued to listen and not much was audible, but what I was able to make out was the words ‘Skull Island’. I did not have much faith in what was spewing out of their mouths but my knack for interesting things got the better of me. I immediately left the pub and started doing some digging. 

       My first stop was the library. I asked the librarian if she knew of where I could find any books on this subject. She immediately came onto me which was followed by me cuming onto her. Hey, what can I say, a librarian was on my smash bucket list. Once the deed was done, she so graciously showed me to where she thought the kinds of books I was looking for might be. Though after about an hour of searching through numerous books, I could not find a single thing. I went back to the librarian and asked if she knew of any other places around there that I could continue my search. She responded by telling me she could give me access to the forbidden section if I didn't tell anyone that she gave me access. Standing there in confusion, I asked “but I thought you already gave me access to your forbidden section?” She laughed and went on to tell me that the library had a locked room where they kept all of their most prized and rare books. I told her that was exactly what I was looking for, and in excitement, smashed a second time. She then gave me access and the search was back on. I started going shelf by shelf looking for anything pertaining to mythical lands. I came across a book named ‘Lands of The Lost’. It was what I had been searching for! With just a quick scan through of the book, I discovered a chapter all about Skull Island. Though I must say, there really was not much there. Just a few pages referring to an island that is said to have never been found, just seen. The book included multiple stories of sailors seeing jagged cliffs off into the distance before quickly disappearing into the fog. Many had tried to navigate through the thick fog but none were successful. What was consistent throughout these logs from sailors was that this island appeared off the coast of Indonesia. The more I read the more excited I began to get. “What could be hiding within all of that fog? '' I thought to myself. Please don’t tell the librarian, but I stole the pages of the book pertaining to Skull Island and I left the library. Seriously, she would be extremely upset.

       When I returned to my house, I immediately started to think of how I could navigate my way through the fog. These were skilled sailors that could not make it, so it did not matter who I hired to captain my ship, and I was not about to travel all that way to be turned around because of fog. The idea I landed on was that instead of taking a boat, I would use a submarine. That way I could stay clear of the fog above the surface as well as use a sonar tracker to keep the island in sight. It took me two months to assemble a team as well as get all of the resources I needed to embark on my adventure. I put together a team of individuals, each with a specific skill set that would come in handy during our journey. We all met in Indonesia once ready, we set sail, or set sub, I don't know, you know what I mean. 

       The start of the journey began without a single hiccup, we had our course set and were sticking to the coordinates I had from the book. The closer and closer we got to the destination, more and more of the electronics on the sub began to go haywire. It got to the point where our only hope of finding it was using our sonar that could detect any land that is out in the distance. After hours and hours of searching out at sea we finally had a stroke of luck. A single island appeared on the sonar. This was massive for team morale. Spirits had never been higher and so we set a direct course for it. As we got closer, it began to get harder and harder to navigate. We had to both stay on course for the island as well as maneuver through the massive rock formations underwater. No matter what may lie ahead, we were adamant about continuing to move forward. It’s interesting, the closer we got, the warmer the water became, as if we had entered into a tropic bubble hundreds of miles off of the coast. We were just off the shore and so we decided to bring the sub up above the water level in order to find a good place to dock along the shore. 

        When we emerged, our vision was completely blind. We found ourselves in the thickest fog I had ever seen in my life. Though as we continued to move forward slowly, the fog began to fade and the island presented itself. Oh how it was magnificent. Sheer rock cliffs easily 500 feet tall hiding all of that undiscovered land that lay beyond. We circled the island and found a beach along the North side of the island. We decided to set up a base camp on the beach and use it as our starting point as we mapped out the island. We made quick use of our time as we wanted to get some exploring in before the sun went down. It being an uncharted island and everything, we did not want to be caught out at night, and so it began. We entered the lush forest. The trees were enormous. By far the girthiest shafts I had ever laid my eyes on, and believe me, I had seen some monumental girth in my day. The bark was quite unusual as well. The consistency was more similar to that of glass than wood. It was extremely sharp, but very confusingly would turn to very fine dust, almost like sand, when ripped away from the tree. This was the first of unexplainable events that occurred, but from there, things only became more strange. The next obscure occurrence came shortly after when I looked up into the trees and saw a bird that was easily 20 feet in length. Even more peculiar, it looked as though it was made out of crystals. It glimmered in the sunlight so bright it was unique to anything I had ever seen before. I made sure our photographer got some good shots of it and we continued on. Next we encountered a lake. The water though was red. Not a deep red but more of a pinkish, light red color. Things started to become apparent that this island was a world of its own. Nothing about it seemed real. I kept pinching myself, thinking I would wake up from a dream, though unfortunate for me, everything I saw was as real as could be. As we walked along the banks of the lake we started to notice major ripples in the water. It looked as though something extremely large swam beneath. So we were sure to not enter. After all, the water was fuckin red. I mean who would want to get in anyways. Even with all of this uncertainty, we continued to track on. I will say, the further we went, the more uneasy I became. I could not shake this feeling that we were being watched from the moment we stepped foot on the island. We did not come all this way though to get cold feet, and we made as many preparations as possible to ensure our safety. We had guns, explosives, and a team of top tier professionals including Captain America. We reached a nice vantage point atop a large hill. We wanted to see if we could get a better look at the rest of the island as well as have a chance to stop and take a little break. When we got to the top we felt an earthquake-like vibration under our feet. Though it did not seem as though it was an earthquake. It was spread out. As if something was shaking the ground with its footsteps. Spooked would be an understatement. My entire being was shook both figuratively and literally. My penis felt as if it was going to fall off. Once the shaking stopped, we were able to have a better look of the land that lied below. It was spectacular, on one side was the lake surrounded by lush greenery, the other a complete polar opposite, nothing but large black rocks. Though these rocks were not normal shapes, for lack of a better description, they all were mainly in the shape of giant dicks. Pardon my French, yogurt slingers, if you know what I mean. What am I saying, of course you do, all of you either have one or have sucked one a time or two. 

       So anyways, after a nice rest session we were off to explore the rock formations. Again pardon my French, I mean cock formations. As we got closer, the rocks began to have some red in it. They were indeed black but had what appeared to be  some sort of dried red liquid near the tops. It was uncertain what it may be though as most of these rocks reached heights of what had to be 50 feet tall. There were countless of these. All different sizes and girths. I felt as if I was in a forest of rock penis’. Similar to a weekly wet dream I have. As we walked through the cock formations, we came around the bend and what we saw was what looked to be a massive cave. The opening was larger and more gaping than that of the Mandalorean’s vaginal canal. Stopping in my tracks, I stood there in amazement. Suddenly the ground began to shake once again. Something was moving. Something big. Out of the fog a massive creature appeared walking out of the cave. I had never seen anything like it, it was the size of a building. Standing there in amazement, my cock was fully torqued as a result of a fear boner, my body, completely frozen. I could not move a muscle. I couldn’t even adjust my boner and throw it in my waistline. As you all know, this is as frozen as one could be. No sane man doesn't waistband a wild boner immediately if he has the option. So there I am, astonished and enlightened, not knowing what was going to happen next. As the creature came closer it started to look familiar. It resembled something I had seen before. With the amount of hair it had on its body, the biologist on my team suggested that it was that it was a long lost relative of the rare species Eugeneus Clarkus. This was the only conclusion that made sense. A few more steps forward and came to the same conclusion. It was a 300 foot tall ape that looked as though he could be Gene’s twin. Only difference being this ape was much less hairy. The ape approached the cock formations and began caressing and kissing them. The way a man does before taking his lover on a Swedish bike ride. What ensued was something I don’t even know if I can even speak of. A memory that I have stored deep down until this moment. If you have even a sliver of a brain, you probably know what it was that happened next. The ape went into his cave and came back out with a bucket of red paint and the biggest paint brush I have ever seen. He then proceeded to paint his beloved cock formations. His technique was so commendable. It was as though I was watching prime da Vinci paint the Mona Lisa. (What did you think he was going to ass blast them you sick fucks? This is a children's tale.) We sat there and had a nice picnic with a view. Then returned safely to the sub and headed home. 

 

The End. 

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Hahahahaha no, no. The ape jumped up on those cock formations and rode them like there was no tomorrow. Letting out roars so loud it pierced each and every one of our eardrums. The force of him moving his body up and down caused category 9 earthquakes across the whole island. This in turn caused the ground under us to rip open, earth fissures growing at the same rate as the apes anal fissures. We went tumbling down and while we fell came closer and closer to a light. The light was a passageway that led us straight back to the edge of the island near our sub. There was nothing left to do but leave this strange island and head home without any riches to speak of. Just that of a 300 foot tall Gene look alike getting his freak on. We all vowed to never speak of what we saw again and that was that. 

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The Actual End. 

 

 

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Game Of The Week 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pawnee Swansons - 120.6 

Washington Foreskins - 120.36

 

       The matchups were wildly close over the opening weekend. Quite possibly the most eventful to date. Multiple games could have been the game of the week, but when a game is decided by less than .3 points, it is hard not to write about it. This game came down to Monday night, and while all eyes were on Lamar Jackson, he put together a performance that was just adequate enough to get the W. By the hair of his ballsack, Michael was able to come out victorious. His defense and kicker both scoring 14 points each proved to be devastating to the foreskins. This accompanied by the Foreskin’s first and second round draft picks combining for 10 points made a win very unlikely for them. Losing by less than a zero yard reception is always demoralizing and I can confirm that the Foreskins have indeed shaved off any excess skin as a result. 

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The Roman Cockosseum Award 

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Córdoba Gauchos - 169.68

 

       I know last year our sponsors fired me faster than Gene is going to move Aiuyuk to his bench, but this year I plan on taking things much more seriously. These sponsorships are becoming harder and harder to come by. So you all have my word that I will be as professional as possible with their advertisements moving forward. Without further ado, here is a message from this week's sponsor...

 

       “This week's power rankings are brought to you by the city of Rome. Long has it been since the days of the gladiators. The days where the streets of Rome would be flooded with people all in hopes of seeing a good ole man on man slaughter fest. Nothing gets the people hyped quite like seeing a man have his head cut cleanly off his body. This is why I am proud to tell each of you today that the city of Rome is bringing back the excitement. The city is currently building a brand new state of the art Colosseum that they are dubbing the Colosseum 2. This new arena will be home to the most exciting sporting events the world has ever seen. We’re talkin girl vs girl, tiger vs bear, midget vs elephant, 100 toddlers wearing bike helmets vs man with bat, classic gladiator vs gladiator, Gladiator vs lion, horse vs anaconda, homeless person vs shop owner, Beyblade vs toes, and so much more. The possibilities are endless. Nowhere else in the world can you see this kind of brutality. Not to mention this will be a 100% care free zone. This is not for the easily offended. We feel that in today's climate with all of the fairy’s of the world prancing around acting like they can cancel anything and everything is just not how it should be. We are here to change the tides. Due to the influx of sponsors for this new sporting experience we are excited to announce that the event will be completely free to attend. Feeling thirsty or hungry while viewing? No worries, visit our concession stands where you can get our popcorn and drink combo for the low price of 69 dollars. A steal and a half if you ask me. Attendees beware though, every event will include a final match where a random person will be selected from the crowd and they will have to face an opponent chosen at random from our wheel of unfortune. Some opponents on this wheel include cheetahs, man with dildo, gorilla with dildo, komodo dragons, a seven year old with a machine gun, Dwight Schrute, bald eagles, waterboarding, David Blaine with a deck of cards, and so much more. The city of Rome is committed to bringing each and every one of you the experience of a lifetime. Objects to throw will be provided when entering the arena as we are huge advocates of crowd participation.  Any victor in the arena will be compensated with a year's supply of shoe laces. That goes for the animals as well. So no need to feel bad for those brave enough to enter the Arena. They will be well taken care of. That's all for us today folks, thank you again to our great sponsor the city of Rome, and be sure to be on the lookout for tickets in the near future.” Thank you to this week's sponsors!

 

       As for the recipient of this most coveted award, The Gauchos put on quite a show this week. Putting up 169 points…(pause for the laughter).... Is no easy feat. Especially when your first round pick puts up 4.9 points. This team was on a bonafide heater this week and looked to be firing on all cylinders. 

 

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The Not So Great Dick Of China Award 

 

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Hill Valley Mandalorean - 82.72

 

       Oh Gene. Genie, Gene, Gene, Gene, Gene. What a schmuck and a half of a performance aye? I’d suggest perhaps a bit more managing your team rather than managing your sasquatch nipple hair next week. The downside is Aaron looked like he was out there throwing sacks of dildos. Overthrowing receivers like he was getting paid to sandbag. While the upside is that your bench put up some serious numbers. Kupp seems to be an extremely viable option with Stafford looking the best he has in years. 82 points though is as garbo as oscar the grouch. All I can say is that Gene needs to take a good look in the mirror and figure out if he is willing to give up grooming his full body ape cape for the betterment of his team. 

 

       So keeping with the theme of this week. Power Ranking too will be based on the wonders of the world. One small twist though, these will be my own personal wonders of the world that I have experienced or thought of throughout life. So what you will be reading is the world premiere of ‘Jonah’s Wonders of The World’. Things I find both amazing or terrible and at the same time, just impossible to explain. You will all be able to read about them in more detail when I write my book. Also just a fair warning, if you have not seen Game Of Thrones or Harry Potter, there are some spoilers in there. Also, on another note, if you havent seen these, go fuck yourself. That's is all. Enjoy. 

 

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Rankings 

 

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10. Flint Tropics (0-1)

 

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Life Itself 

 

       Now I don’t know about any of you, but I have been down numerous rabbit holes trying to wrap my mind around what our lives really are and everytime it freaks me the fuck out. Are we in a simulation? Are we just particles floating around on a dandelion? Is any of this real? Why are we here? What is the purpose or reason behind human life? All questions that I constantly think about. It really and truly is a mystery, and one that we may never understand. Either way we just go through life trying to live the best lives that we can. Another major mystery is this team. Jevonta Williams having to split carries with Melvin Gordon is not ideal for Mark's RB2. Especially since Melvin was looking like he had some youth in him. That along with Jeudy getting hurt and being out for the next six weeks, has this team in a very rough position moving forward. The Tropic’s bench at this point in the season does not look like they will be able to provide much aid to either. Mark has some work to do. 

 

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9. Pawnee Swansons (1-0)

 

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Dr. Pepper 10 

 

       Not sure how many of you boys ever tried Dr. Pepper 10, but let me tell you, it was the greatest tasting drink that ever did touch my lips. So smooth, so refreshing, nothing at all even coming close. I guess the only thing that I can compare it to is happiness. Yeah, if happiness was able to be put into a can, I am indeed certain that this is what it would taste like. Some of you might have seen the ads for it as it was meant to be a dietesk drink marketed to men. Instead of having 0 calories like a girl's drink, but included 10 of the manliest manly calories on the planet. Unfortunately after a very short time, they discontinued this unicorn of a drink. My favorite thing in the entire world was ripped from me and I didnt even have a chance to say goodbye. I would pay $1,000 for a 12-pack of that shit no question, and let me tell you, even at that price I would still be getting it at a steal. As unexplainable as it gets, the story of Dr. Pepper 10 was. One touch to the lips and any man is certain to have the splooge of his life. The same way that I imagine Michael did after having his defense and kicker both score 14 points. Yes this team did win this week and put up some decent points, but after my previous statement, it shows that this team could use some improvement moving forward. Relying on your defense and kicker like this is no way to win games consistently. Most of his players put up solid performances but in my eyes are not the type of players that will do so on a consistent basis. 

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8. Hill Valley Mandalorean (0-1)

 

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The Pump 

 

       The Pump, or shall I say, The Full Body Boner. If ejaculating was a sport, it would be lifting weights. The only way I can describe the pump in words other than what the king of the pump so eloquently stated in the gif above is that it is like having boners for arms and legs. Your whole body is full with blood, as hard as can be, veins popping, and that orgasmic feeling like you could pop at any second. Bicepbating is a sure fire way to get you through anything life may throw at you. Not to mention, upon completion, your mind feels as clear and energetic as could be. There truly is no better feeling than hitting a swollfest and leaving feeling straight fawkin joocy. The pump will have you entering the gym looking like princess peach and have you leaving looking like donkey “beefcake” kong. I’ll be honest, with covid and all, I have not been too fortunate with the ladies as of late, but guess what, I could care less. (For all of you reading this that are going “it’s couldn't care less”, suck a fatty, I said what I said and will not take it back. It’s called sarcasm, ever heard of it?) Why? Because the pump has had me splooging more than American males following the end of WWII. The feeling is truly unexplainable. It is just so good. Also, in other news, Sports Science did in fact prove that working out indeed increases your dick size, sadly though, no one has told my dick yet. So all in all, the pump is the cure. The cure for everything. Now for this Mandalorean team. Boy was that a shitty week. Nothing brings me quite as much happiness as Gene performing at his highest level, and this past week was no disappointment. 82 points big guy? GOOD JOB! The only reason I did not put this team in last is because Aaron had a brutal day and Aiyuk put up a nice zipparooni. Also the Mandalorean’s bench put up massive points which is great for team morale moving forward.

 

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7. Baja Golden Piranhas (1-0)

 

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Game Of Thrones Ending 

 

        Now if you have not seen GOT, I would suggest not continuing to read. Though with an ending like this, I would suggest not even starting the show in the first place, so fuck it, I might save you from wasting over 100 houra of your life. You are welcome. So as I have mentioned. These wonders can either be on here because of the good or bad nature of them. As you can probably guess from the title of this one, it is on this list because of the latter, and let me tell you, this one is just about as bad as it gets wonders wise. I mean what the actual fuck. Let me just chop my own penis off after having to witness such tomfoolery. The shenanigans and just pure responsibility the writers of the show chose to write with for the last season was as unexplainable as anything I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Omitting Lebron James of course. My gal Khalesi, what a babe, what a heart, and what? She gets so upset that my guy John Long Dong Snow won't put it in her pooper that she decides to kill a million people. The entire show they had us rooting for her, she was the one that was going to unite the world, bring it peace, and the moment she is turned down by a man, she burns an entire city down. Women, am I right? I don't think I will be able to ever root for a woman ever again after watching that. And for all of you that watched you know that that was not the only thing they royal fucked up. What used to be the greatest show I had ever seen does not even make my top 100 anymore. The biggest boner killer I ever did see and I am very unsure that anything will ever be able to top it. Speaking of boner killers, the piranhas post draft misfortunes were as flaccid as could be. Nevertheless, Zach was able to get the W week one. Yes he did put up the second least points, but his team performed far below what they are capable of. The Piranhas have a very strong starting squad but what I am fearful of is their bench.

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6. Scranton Stranglers (0-1)

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Morning Wood 

 

        Oh the morning boner. So strong, so mighty and oh so powerful. But why? Why is it that every morning I wake up and my cock is ready to run through a brick wall? It just does not make sense. Especially too since we wake up and our body naturally needs to pee. We have to pee but are unable to unless we stand 15 feet back or hit the splits in order to lower our body height while tilting our body forward so our woody woodpecker can have a better angle. There really is no good solution. Morning wood is like the Zeus of boners. Every morning every man gets to go through the feeling of what it was like for Arthur to pull excalibur from the stone. After a while it all just becomes a hassle. Another Cockasaurus Rex that is hard to gauge is this Scranton team. I had them high on my preseaso list. All was looking well until they took the field Sunday looking like a limp squid tentacle. No hardness to speak of. Just flopping around as if they didn't know what being hard even felt like. Mostert being out for the foreseeable future is not great for this team and it seems like they have many players that could be quite inconsistent. A positive take away from week one was the fact that McCaffrey is back in prime shape, taking part in 90% of the Panthers offense. With this kind of volume, he is sure to help the Stranglers win a good bit of games.

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5. Washington Foreskins (0-1)

 

 

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The AT&T Chicks Rack 

 

       This one may come as a shock to all of you but whether you know this fact or not, it is absolutely bananas. The AT&T girl that I am positive all of you have seen on your tv at one point or another, has a rack that is nothing short of astonishing. It is unfathomable how the people of AT&T have been able to conceal these deadly weapons. Apparently the numbers are in though and boobies do not help sell more cell phone plans. I could spend hours speaking about this topic so it might be best for me to cut this one short. The pictures speak for themselves. Another individual with a surprisingly motorboatable rack is our dear Gauchos. What may have looked to be A cups have since unbuttoned a few buttons and exposed the powerful double D’s beneath. Another young gal looking to let her voluptuous goodie bags out is this Foreskin team. Yes they did lose last week, but were able to put up 120 points while their first two draft picks and defense combining for a whopping 11 points. All this tells me is that this team has the potential to run with the big dogs once their itty bitty rookies develop their curves. Kyler Murray looks to be in top form while Henderson and Edmonds proved to be worth the starts. I see this team continuing to improve week after week the rest of the season. 

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4. West Coast Avengers (1-0)

 

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Heath Ledger 

 

       For this wonder, it is both the good and the bad that helped him make the list. The performance Heith gave in the Dark Night is without a doubt the greatest acting performance I have ever seen. I have seen over 1,400 films in my life okay, I know film, and that one, that one is spectacular. An easy candidate for the best film of all time. The performance by heith gives it a big boost, though all other aspects of that film are phenomenal as well. Unfortunately though our beautiful angel was taken from us too soon. There has been so much speculation of what actually transpired causing his death and a lot has been disproved. I do not think we will ever know what happened exactly. It will remain a mystery. Maybe he just gave everything he possibly had to that performance and his body and mind could not take it. Maybe he sold his soul to the devil like Juice World in order to give that performance and after it it meant his time was up. The world will never know. Either way though, both his death as well as acting performance will live on forever as unexplainable things that occurred. With the one superhero related wonder there was no other team I could have related this to besides my guy Alex. Not to mention broke back saddle sacks and a whole lot of a chick named candice. Starting Gronk was a hot take and a half but I gotta say, it did indeed pan out cotton. Three of his starting skill guys put up less than 5 points and he was still able to put up 147 points. Those are blow up a hospital while wearing a nurse dress kind of numbers. With strong performances from his bench, Alex is looking good heading into week 2 with many solid options available. Alex seems to be on a tale fit for a knight and I am delighted to see it through to the end. 

 

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3. Córdoba Gauchos (1-0)

 

 

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Harry Potter Destroying The Elder Wand 

 

       Harry Potter you sexy sexy man. The boy who lived. The greatest to ever do it. A sex symbol if I have ever seen one. The only man to successfully submerge his wand into the  chamber of secrets and cum out victorious. One that would never be caught snitching, but in fact catch the snitch himself. A man who captured audiences across the world, taking their breath away time after time like only a dementor could. One that I would let Slytherin my pants any day and make me moan like Myrtle. Standing at 5’9 and sporting a cock measuring 9 ¾ he took the wizarding world by storm. Facing each and every obstacle head on. All of this though only to break the most powerful wand of all time. Why? I do not give a rat's bloody asshole that he is a good guy, and it was the right thing to do, or whatever the reason is for people defending the action. It is as if King Arthur came across Excalibur and was “ehhhhhhhh, I don’t think I'm going to take it, I don't want to be TOOO powerful”. Or Iron Man escaping the cave and being like, “I don’t think I am going to put any more thought into this”. IT’S THE FUCKIN ELDER WAND. Never will I ever be okay with him giving it up. His invisibility cloak is a deathly hallow but that’s okay to keep? It’s not like it didn’t come in handy countless times throughout his life. So it only makes sense that he gets rid of another the moment he obtains it. Fucking Rubbish. What is not rubbish though is Gauchos team. 169 points? An elder wand of a performance if i’ve ever seen one. All while his stud RB and young gun QB combined for 18 points. Led by Deebo the dreamboat, and Amari the Ferrari, this team looks like they are ready to avada kedavra opponents all season long.

 

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2. Dallas Big D’s (0-1)

 

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Sensation of opening a new can of tennis balls

 

       I am sure all of you have experienced this a time or two. The sensation of crashing open a new pack of tennis balls is unmatched by pretty much anything. The combination of the sound of the crack and the smell that follows is boner fuel to the umpth degree. It is a sensation that you feel throughout your entire body, and why? I cannot explain it. It is just pure and simple perfection. It is so good. Better than any dick pill money can buy. It is like viagra for the soul.  Looks to me like the Big D’s were sniffing fresh tennis ball can after fresh tennis ball can while putting this team together. A heartbreaking loss week one tells me only one thing. This team is going to be fueled by a chip on their shoulder moving forward. Derrick Henry having an off week is nothing but an anomaly and Tonyan getting thrown to by what I can only describe as a plastic bag that was previously used as a condom is unlikely to be a common occurrence. So I believe nothing but clear skies and loads and loads of fresh tennis ball can scent in the Dicks future. 

 

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1.  Atlanta Chokers (1-0)

 

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Lebron James 

 

       Was there any doubt that the love child of Zeus and Thanos would be at the number one spot? Lebron James is an absolute freak. An athlete that is untouchable when it comes to domination and longevity. His body and athleticism can only be compared to that of mythical legend. I’d pay a million dollars for a Lebron sex tape. The only thing I can think of that would have the same amount of athletic equivalence is OBJ’s one handed snag. So athletic in fact that I imagine it wouldn't even be on porn sites, it would be on Sportscenter at number one on the top 10 plays of the week for 2306 weeks in a row. A highlight so rare and unbelievable that it would go down in history as the greatest highlight of all time. I can feel myself becoming more athletic just thinking about it. Not to mention he is a phenomenal human being. Has never been in the press for anything negative during his entire NBA career. He very clearly should be added to the list of wonders of the world at the number 8 spot. A beauty if I’ve ever seen one. Speaking of beauties, hello Yassine. Yassine has put together a blue whale dick of a team lead by the lebron of the NFL. Thomas “Yes I fuck Gisele on the reg” Brady. The Chokers put together a masterful performance in week one scoring 162 points. It was a mix of some players over performing while others did the opposite. Joe Mixon put on a show, though, if history has taught us anything,  it is very doubtful he can do it on a weekly basis. Having a tight end that gets 20 targets in a game is sure to help ease MIxon’s disappearance issues so I am not too concerned if it happens. Or shall I say, when it happens.