Brahppp, Brahppp, grab your strap, give your pee pees a tap because your boi Mr. Superset is back.. We were all kids once, maybe your inner child is still very much present, either way, what remains true is that we have all had toys at one point or another that we were absolutely bananas for. Getting a new toy when you are a kid is like injecting an ounce of cocaine straight into your heart. You all remember the feeling. The adrenaline of having something new to play with that wasn’t your dick was invigorating. “But waitttt, you were only a childdddd, you werent playing with your dickkkk”. Shut up, I myself am a real man and have been spanking my monkey like a champ since I was 6 months old. Any who, I believe it is extremely important to let that child inside of you out every once in a while. Life gets way too serious oh so often. Sometimes it is best just to sit back and be able to laugh at dumb shit or play with a toy that was intended for a 3 year old. So as you have already probably come to this conclusion, this week's theme is all about the inner child in each of us and some of the pleasures we had when we were younger. 

 

       So instead of making something up for this week's story segment, I have decided to tell some of my most memorable memories from my childhood regarding toys. 

 

      The time my mom broke all of our airsoft guns…. So I am a junior in high-school. You all know Monica, she is not at all a fan of violence in any manner so you can imagine how thrilled she was when my dad let us get airsoft guns. Many instances occurred over the course of the year that we owned these guns, all pushing my mom closer and closer to the edge until she finally cracked and had had enough. Another thing that all of you know is that in High-school not only was I a mongo deuche, I was the meatiest of heads that would stop at nothing to assert my dominance. So there we are, sitting in our living room, having a pleasant conversation when all of a sudden, the topic turns to something I did not take kindly. My mom went on a tangent questioning my toughness. She had the whole room laughing hysterically all at my expense. Eventually I had had enough, I could not take it anymore, “I’ll show them, I thought to myself”. So I went out into our garage, grabbed the 400 fps shotgun I had recently gotten and headed back to the living room. I stood in the middle of our living room, took off my shirt and said “what you dont think im tough? I will shoot myself point blank right now.” My mom was horrified, but at the same time no one thought that I would do it. As the giggles started to grow louder and louder once again I said “alright, i'm doing it, you made me do this”, and pressed the barrel of the shotgun to my chest and pulled the trigger. I took the blow, though the beebee broke through a couple layers of my skin and so I began to bleed. My mother immediately started crying and yelling. She then proceeded to go to the garage and pull out each airsoft gun that we had and smashed them one by one on our concrete driveway. Not a single gun was left unharmed, and that is the story of the last time there were airsoft guns in the Raus house. 

 

       The Beautiful things that are video games…. From the moment Zach set up the nintendo 64 for the first time, I was hooked. I remember all of the tournaments of Mario Tennis or F-Zero X we would have. The hours spent together consisted of so much emotion. This led to me waking up hours before everyone else in the house when the PS2 came out. I would get up, sneak downstairs and play as much NBA Street or Need For Speed: Carbon as I could before the rest of the family got up. Then things became portable and we got the PSP and DS’s. I’ll never forget the week we spent at the beach where all of us cousins were adamant about not leaving our room as we grinded on Pokémon. For as long as I can remember, video games in the Raus household took place behind closed doors and in secret. Not only because of how frowned upon they were, but because of the games we were playing. I must have bought Call of Duty: Black Ops four different times in high-school because my mom would always find Luke or I playing it and she would immediately take it. I guess all of that just added to the fun. Every Christmas when Frank and I would exchange cousin gifts, I would always ask for the newest shooter because early on I could not get my hands on them, and let me tell you, the man came through every time. Luke and I were on a mission to get our games in and we did everything we could to do just that. Hours and hours were spent, bonding, learning, and all together just having an absolute blast no matter how heated things might have gotten. So to that, I would like to thank all of you that I have gamed with at one point or another, they were some of the greatest moments of my life growing up. I am even grateful for the times when our basement looked like a horror movie and Joe would come down and scare the cock right off of us while we were braving the darkness of night time getting our games in. So what if I am still scarred to this day, some would say it helped build character. 

 

       The instant gratification of getting a remote controlled vehicle…. You all know how I love anything that goes fast. So growing up I was naturally drawn to getting remote controlled cars. Over the years I probably got a total of 30. Though I dont think a single one lasted more than a couple days haha. Such a rush it was to open a present and see that new bad boy whip that I could skirt around for the 48 hours they would actually work, but oh how it was worth it. Getting a remote controlled car as a young kid makes you feel like you are a billionaire. It was amazing. Flying remote controlled vehicles though are on a whole nother playing field. Still to this day I am convinced the only reason parents buy them for kids is because they want to fly them themselves. I mean how the fuck is a 10-14 year old kid supposed to fly a plane that has 18 different levers on the controller. Every year that we would get them, it always lasted about 18 seconds. It usually went like this, let me know if you can relate… “Alright we got the batteries in, everything is put together correctly, looks like we're ready to go. (Throws plane and it flys about 30 feet and then takes a devastating crash into the ground or a tree) well that was pretty cool.” And then you move on. It never went different. Dad one year got these really legit one's, so legit that we took it to a park and they told us that we weren't even allowed to fly it there. I didn't even get to touch the controller once. So as I said before, arial remote control devices are purely for the adults, do not try to convince me otherwise. All together though, they made for some great memories, it really taught me to lower my expectations greatly when I start to get really excited about something. 

 

       Power Rides…. The times most of us had together when we were younger boolin around in the pink vette and red jeep were among some of my favorite moments. The freedom I felt while staying in the confines of Sittie’s driveway was incomparable to anything I have ever felt before. That shit was the epitome of fun growing up. Not run over zachs leg with a go-kart fun, but still great. Whipping that pink vette made me feel like my cock was the size of a rhinoceros. If only there were a version for adults, and I don't want to hear any of y’all say, but what about real carssssss or go-kartsssssss, shut it, I mean a reinforced electric plastic vehicle that you could beat the shit out of. 

 

       Now I wish I could talk about being gifted Pokemon and Yugioh cards but sadly, Monica would never, and I mean never, allow that kind of behavior. So as I sat at the lunch table and watched all my friends show off their blue eyed white dragons and charizards I was left to find comfort in my carton of orange juice. Instead all of us Raus boys were subject to collecting sports cards. We had binders and binders of cards. Of which I had no clue who 99.9% of those players were, but that did not change the fact that I loved them oh so much. It was just nice to have a collection of something. 

 

       Only at the Maranvilles…. I figured the antics that occurred at the Maranville households deserved their own section. Growing up going over to hang out with the cousins was like a childs wet dream. So much comes to mind. Like do any of yall remember the shock laser tag game? Where every time you got shot you got a bitchin zap that would pulse through your whole body? Or the mini bikes that we would mob around on. The same ones that Frank and I came thrashing down Aunt Emily's driveway on and crashing through the white fence at the bottom. I also remember that every time I went over when I was younger I would get in as much GTA in as I possibly could. It was like my paradise away from home. Nothing was off limits. The nerf wars that we had in the basement still give me PTSD to this day. That shit was a warzone. I also remember Frank and I strapping G.I. Joes to bottle rockets and seeing how many rounds they could last. You know, just some good ole child safe fun. All in all the times that were had galavanting around back in the day over at those houses were times that would either break you or mold you. Don’t regret a single thing. 

 

       Those beautiful square death traps with wheels… Do y’all remember those? The little squares that you could sit on that had four wheels on the bottom? Boy did we have some good times with those. Though I may not have ever gotten one as a present, it was a toy that I very much got the most out of. In 6th grade I remember at basketball practice, Uncle Joe would hold one side of a jump rope and we would sit on the scooter and hold the other end. He would then swing us around in a circle and it was just about the most fun you could possibly have. The fun of course though had to come to an end after we decided to tie 5 jump ropes together and all hold on at once while being swung. Chino Sisson, one of our smaller Filipino friends was on the back of the train and got swung straight into the side of the bleachers and got seriously hurt. Don't worry he was cool about it, no parent knew the real reason Chino had to miss a couple of games. It was all part of the brotherhood we formed being a part of that team.

 

       The ‘make your own fun….’ Now we might not have always had the newest or best toys when we were growing up, but we did have each other, and oh boy did we know how to make fun out of very little. From filming timeless home videos consisting of numerous parodies or riding down the hill in our backyard on bikes to running through the woods with a wooden stick acting as if we were in LOTR killing Orcs. We even set up a chipping green in the backyard. We always made it through, and made it through with the only way we knew how, fun. Oh and how could I forget the clay wars. Those were by far some of the greatest highlights of my childhood. Playing with kids twice my age that when their throws would hit me I would be on the verge of tears. Those are the types of memories that are only wished for by many, but us boys were able to live them out as often as we wished. I really am so truly blessed to have all of you in my life and have those memories to look back on. From the bottom of my heart, thank you gentlemen. 

 

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Game Of The Week 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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San Diago Sleepers - 128.82

Córdoba Gauchos - 126.54

 

This was a nail biter folks. All day Sunday the score continued to go back and forth. A Gaucho would score and then minutes later a Sleeper would come up with a huge play. What a matchup this was. Kyler Murray was the real difference maker in this one, which he has been for the Sleepers all season long. Also what a bitch move it was that the Sleepers made not playing their defense on Monday night to solidify their W. What do they not have confidence in their team? Something like this really rubs me the wrong way. I really do hate to see it. The Sleepers handed the Gauchos their fourth loss in a row. Things are starting to look real sloppy Joe… Maybe switch to a good ole hamburguesa or a sándwhich de pollo as a pregame snack from now on. Although the Gauchos performed very well for who their team currently consists of, it proved to not be enough to beat the Sleepers. 

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The Dicktendo Award 

 

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Flint Tropics - 184.2 

 

       Apparently the whole glory hole aspect of the Kum & Go gas station chain was supposed to be a secret as they are currently being looked into by many government agencies. So upon hearing this news, I had to skedaddle out of that relationship. I am a big believer that any press is good press but this is not the case here. A glory hole association can fuck you for life. I cannot allow this league to be associated with such tom-foolery. This is a league that likes to have fun and that is why I waited outside of the Nintendo headquarters for 4 days straight completely nude until they would take my meeting. I showed them some of my past advertisements and let me tell you, that did not make things any better. They were appalled. They said that no one should ever willingly expose themselves to that type of verbiage. So this is me, proving to Nintendo that I can in fact bring the masses to their brand. Although this isn't a sponsor, all of you are about to witness my pitch to Nintendo. Exciting stuff if I do say so myself. So let the trial run begin… 

        “This week's sponsor is Nintendo, the greatest gaming company on the planet. We have brought you Mario Kart, Super Smash Bros, Zelda, Super Mario, Tetris and so many other classics. No one else in the world cares about bringing the best experience possible to each of our customers. We are committed to making lasting memories that will stand the test of time. Nostalgia is in our DNA, there is no one that does it better. The addition of our newest console ‘The Switch’ has been the best selling console for the last three years. We put countless hours into developing a solution for all of you gamers who were looking for an experience that you could take with you everywhere you go. That being said, the real brawn behind this whole operation was the unparalleled performance by our workers. Yes we may use forced labor camps subjecting our workers to intimidation and threats, constant surveillance, a ban on religious practices, political indoctrination and excessive working hours, but as far as forced labor camps go, we assure you that ours are among the nicest. It is through this perfected process that has allowed us to crank consoles and toys out at a record pace. Gotta have your Mario am I right? This unmatched work ethic has also made us able to accelerate the launch of our newest game for the switch, ‘Super Smashturbating’. You will be able to go head to head with your friends like never before. This knucklebuster of a game is one that if you want to win, you will need to utilize both hands. One just will not do. It’s about speed and tenacity. Things may get hard, but that is how you know you are doing it right. We suggest taking the grip it and rip it approach. Remember too, this aint Mario Kart, so there will be no dry bones in this fight. In order to be victorious, one must not be afraid of a little brawl sack action. This is not the time you want to be jiggly puffing around, but instead, time to go supersonic on your hedgehog. Whether you are more of a Donkey Kong or a Diddy Kong, you must become one with your banana and have confidence in your abilities. For it is not the size that matters, but how you work it. Bring out the soldier and show the world the power of your snake. You heard it here first folks, this is an experience where you can either game or watch. It’s all good fun. Wield that Ganon of yours and take on any foe that may stand in front of you. We guarantee you will not Ike this game, but love it. So what are you waiting for, Link up with your friends and get to smashturbating. Thank you again to our sponsor for this week, Nintendo.” I think we might have just landed ourselves a new sponsor boys and girls!

 

       Mark absolutely killed it this week. I 100% thought that we were going to witness a 200 banger. He scored 184 points with his TE scoring just 2 points. That is bonkers gentlemen. This team has been playing well all year but have seemed to kick it into an entire new gear lately. The emergence of Dalvin Cook and the dominating run he has been on (get it?) has allowed for this team to flourish. They have quickly become the most intimidating team in the league. Good on you sir for crafting this beautiful team. Sending all my praises your way for this cock slap of a performance. 

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The Buzzed Woody Award 

 

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Canadian Club - 58.36

 

       Oh man….. Tony….. You good bro? It does not look like it. It looks more like you took the field expecting to be wielding excalibur and in actuality you were left swinging around a deflated balloon sword begging for some help. Yet no amount of blowies were enough. Even a thorough stretch proved to be useless. It is possible you used all of your energy the last few weeks as you plowed a third of the league and now you are left with a wet noodle for your man part. 58 points is weak sauce man. Chris started 2 guys that were out and still scored more than you. I was expecting a great matchup last week in ‘The Viagra Falls Horton Hears A Tim Invitational” but it seems you may have forgotten your supplements in this one. Did you know, well of course you do, but for the rest of the league, did y’all know, Canadians eat ketchup flavored chips. I mean… If there is any more proof that any of you may need to question the move to Canada for this team, there is your proof. Oh y’all need more? Okay okay, as you wish. Cheese curds are their national dish, they drink maple syrup as water, It is possible for the temperature to change 45 degrees in a single day, if you punched them in their face they would call your whole family and apologize for misplacing their head, they don't have milk jugs but instead milk bags, Kraft mac n cheese is the most popular dish in the country, they hold an annual bathtub race (this is where they strap an engine to a bathtub and go vroom), they pour maple syrup on ice and eat it as a treat, their one and two dollar coins are called loonies and toonies (toonie, Tony, hmmm maybe it makes a little more sense now), and half of their national anthem is in French. I mean what is there to like? I guess the same can be said for Tony’s team so I regress, that it isn’t too crazy. Tony I refreshed my ESPN app 5 times in a row because I was certain that a team could not score that little of points, I was mistaken. That was terrible man. A performance like that could only mean one thing, you are into tickling porn. Against Gene as well, I know y’all have spoken of how y’all have joined forces but from the rest of the league's angle it looks more like Gene has your cock wrapped around his finger, able to use and abuse it as he wishes. This ass kicking was borderline prison rape.

 

       For this week's power rankings theme I have decided to go with the most dangerous toys of all time. Now some of these are quite old so they do not have gifs that can go along with them, because of this I have added a few of the funniest children gifs including toys known to man. 

 

 

 

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Rankings 

 

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10. Luxembourg Luxe Bidets (3-6)

 

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Fisher Price Toddler Trikes 

 

       The Toddler Trike was recalled many years ago. The reason, they put a plastic key sticking out of the seat. This resulted in countless injuries including genital and rectum bleeding. Imagine being a kid and wanting to have a nice ride on your new bike and you go to sit down and get your balls cut open on the key. 7 million trikes were recalled in the U.S...What were they thinking? This team has shown glimpses of greatness but lately have really shown a large decline. Just like the toddler trike, if this team has any chance of greatness, Chris is going to have to do a better job of placing his key assets in the right spots. Two weeks in a row starting players that are out is not a good look, not a good look at all. The Bidet’s have another tough week ahead with multiple starting players on bye week, so I do not expect the tough times to be over just yet. 

 

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9. Canadian Club (3-6)

 

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Aqua Dots

 

       In 2007, 4 million Aqua Dot toys were recalled due to the fact that they contained a chemical that when swallowed would cause children to pass out or have a seizure. This same chemical is what is found in date rape drugs. So of course, why not put it in small balls and give them to children. Ruffies seem to be the norm here with this child's toy and Tony’s team, as it seems he fed his players a major dose before last week's matchup. 58 points is the equivalent of accidentally brushing up against a gals juicy double and then bragging to your friends that you just got laid for the first time. With a team abbreviation of “BYE”, last week this team was exactly that. Against Gene of all people as well. I can only imagine how much Tony hates himself right now. One look at Tony’s current roster and one cannot help but shake their head. What seemed like a beautiful comeback story by this team has quickly turned into a modern day Galveston Hurricane disaster. Maybe lay off the ole ruffies my guy, might have worked at one point to get what you wanted but times have changed. Chill outttttttt, I was referring to how he made his sketchy trades in the past, not how he actually got laid for the first time…. Wink

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8. San Diago Sleepers (3-6)

 

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Lawn Darts 

 

       This toy was maybe before their time, Lawn Darts were banned in the U.S. in 1988. People were urged to destroy the game. An idea similar to corn hole quickly became lethal. This game took the life of 3 children and left thousands injured. 7,000 kids were put into the hospital because of playing this game. These were not small darts, they were large metal spikes with a couple pieces of plastic attached to them. It turned out to be one of the worst products ever sold. The Sleepers have been up and down all season. One week it is as if they toss their darts perfectly across the lawn and directly into the center of the circle, and others, they land the darts straight into little Timmy’s head and he is off to the hospital. So many decisions during the draft seemed like good one's but turned out to be quite deadly. With the return of NIck Chubb this week, as well as coming off a huge win, they seem to be trending in the right direction. The pick of Kyler Murray as their stallion has been the only thing keeping them alive. That being said though, their big bye weeks are out of the way and they should be primed to make a real push for the playoffs. Though even if they win every game the rest of the season, that still might just be a pipe dream.

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7. Vancouver Hart Foundation (4-5)

 

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Manta Ray Tube Kite 

 

       What seemed like a great idea, and one that attracted a massive amount of attention upon its release, turned bad real fast. The tube would bring individuals 20-30 feet above the water trailing behind a boat. The slightest gust of wind would bring these tubes crashing to the water at great speeds resulting in injury. In just 4 months after launching, 584 injuries and 3 deaths occured to participating individuals. Just like the kite tube, the Hart Foundation too were flying high, but y’all know the tale, the one about all good things coming to a crashing end. Or maybe a better one would be flying too close to the son. Yeah Gene, you’re Icarus, bitch. After a lot of weight was placed on the shoulders of backup running backs, this team is not looking as strong as they once were. The emergence of Swift is definitely a plus but they still have some major holes in their flex positions. Lamar needs to start putting up Lamar numbers if this team has any chance of making the playoffs.




 

6. Córdoba Gauchos (4-5)

 

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Atomic Energy Lab 

 

       This toy from the 1950’s actually contained radioactive material. The set came with four different samples of uranium along with guidelines for many different scientific experiments. One consisted of guiding children through the use of dry ice. A child. Using dry ice… sitting in a bed of radioactivity…. What could go wrong? The game came with a warning that it would poison those who bought it. And it sold like wildfire, and that's America for you. Now for the Gauchos, where to even begin, what looked to be a perfect formula for some good ole fun turned well ummmm….. Radioactive. I really wanted to rank this team lower but with their record they still have a very good chance of turning things around easier than some of the teams in the back of the pack. The Gauchos have a tough matchup this week against a very strong Big D team. A lot rests on how soon Joe Mixon can come back. Another loss this week and this team could find itself at the bottom of the totem pole. 

 

5. Squirtsville Super Soakers (4-5)

 

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Flubber 

 

       This toy was released in 1963 and after nearly every household in America had one, they were quickly recalled. Thousands and thousands of children were harmed. The majority who came in contact with this product would contract a severe rash that in most cases spread across the body. They also caused throats to become inflamed and start to close, even without contact to the throat. The company tried to destroy the rest of the substance that they had but were unable. They tried to burn it and it would not burn. So they went out to sea and attempted to sink it. Turns out it floats. So they ended up burying it under the ground in an undisclosed location. Just like the flubber, no matter what has been thrown at this team they are still standing strong. Now with Michael Thomas back in the line-up, this team is stronger than ever. James Conner just needs to get his head out of his ass and all will be well. If his players perform as they should, this team should have no problem making a solid playoff run. 

 

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4. Zachary Douche Canoes (6-3)

 

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Sky Dancer Flying Doll 

 

       Galoob Toys Inc had to recall 9 million sky dancer toys in 2000 because of the erratic flight patterns of these toys. Hundreds of children and adults were injured. Some of the injuries included scratched corneas, blindness, chipped teeth, broken ribs and concussion. Talk about terminal velocity if these things broke someone's ribs. Just like these flying dolls, The Douche Canoes have been beating up the toddlers of this league left and right. This team has looked fantastic all season. With the players Michael has, it is no surprise that they have this record. I do not see this team slowing down anytime soon. 

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3. Dallas Big D’s (5-4)

 

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Austin Magic Pistol

 

       This product was released in the 1940’s and was a toy gun that used a calcium carbide chemical reaction to fire ping pong balls upwards of 60 feet. Today this toy is considered a firearm in many states. Besides the fact that this toy would shoot flaming ping pong balls, when water would get into the chamber, the gun would explode. Apparently shooting fireballs at eachother was the original Nerf gun. The 40’s were wild. Almost as wild as having a D as big as Dallas. We are looking at a tromboner with the capabilities of wrapping around the entirety of America…. Twice. Even if McCaffrey is unable to suit up this week, Dallas has a very favorable matchup against an ailing Gauchos team. 

 

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2. Eugene Dirty Beaches (7-2)

 

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Fisher Price Power Wheel Motorcycle 

 

       This Harley-Davidson Power Wheel Motorcycle was a disaster. 218,000 bikes were recalled in 2000 because the accelerator was known to get stuck, breaking the limiter and continuing to accelerate with no hopes of stopping. Many kids were seriously injured. Talk about a ride of your life at such a young age. The Beaches have had the throttle down all season, no limiter needed. They are haulin ass and grabbin ass each and every step of the way. Zach does not care in the slightest and is ready for impact. It takes a real man to take this kind of power and speed head on, Zach has done exactly that in such a graceful manner. No bragging needed, he lets his team do the talking. 

 

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1. Flint Tropics (6-3)

 

 

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Mattel Belt Buckle Derringer 

 

       Let's strap a gun to a holster, place it right where your dick goes and sell it to kids, and better yet, let's make it so that the gun is triggered by thrusting your hips forward. Talk about a power thrust. A great idea. Except not so much. The caps inside the gun were very easily ignited due to friction and would cause serious burns. Burning through the holster and childrens clothing, and then… Well you know what comes next. This team is a thrust rocket if I have ever seen one. Coming off of a week scoring 184 points, this team looks like they can replicate that performance over and over again. They have a thrust quite possibly more devastating than this league has ever seen before. The Tropics have hips that could end world hunger. Mark’s bench players would be starters on multiple other teams. This team is scary gentlemen, anyone who may face them in the future better have a quick draw, but I must warn you, the odds are not in your favor in that gunfight. 

 

Read on to see our one honorable mention that may in fact be the worst one. 

 

Honorable Mention 

 

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CSI Fingerprint Examination Kit 

 

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       This one was a real floozy of a fuck up. This kit included many materials that contained asbestos…. I mean…. Come on…. Kids would dip their fingers in the powder to get going and low and behold they were just waving around asbestos in the air. Not only that, but the company decided to keep this product on the shelf even after discovering the asbestos in order to capitalize on the christmas season. All products were immediately destroyed once the government found out and the company had to issue full refunds to every person that bought one. 

 

As always boys and girls, it has been my pleasure. Until next time…

 

• Mr. Superset