Ohhhhh misty eye of the mountain belowwwww, J Dickens is back to keep your spirits up during your mid week woessss. Welcome back boys and girls. Let me just make a PSA to the league real quick. So I saw Eternals last night, the new Marvel movie, and it is without a doubt the second worst marvel film that I have ever seen. Second to Captain Marvel of course. The only redeeming factor of the movie was the fact that Angelina is still Handgelina and boy did it feel like I took a viagra before the film because I was hard from the moment she stepped on screen til about 10 minutes ago. How Bradley ever let her slip is beyond me. She is a spring morning breeze, a freshly manicured lawn, a pair of socks fresh out of the dryer, a bottle of liquor only brought out on special occasions, a walk down the streets of Florence, a horse’s mane flowing in the wind, a perfectly executed nap, a Sister Schubert's roll right out of the oven, a sunset with your toes in the sand, a powerade when you're hungover, a redwood in the month of June, a mandarin orange that took one peel, a hot shower, and a two piece bikini all wrapped into one. To make it plain and simple for you simpletons, she is not the reason why the sun rises in the morning but in fact has been proven by sports science that she is the sun. Talk about hot hot hot. What was I even talking about again? Oh yeah, Eternals. Unless you want to be bored for 2.5 hours while essentially taking a horse sized viagra dose, stay away gentlemen. As for this week of football, all looked well. Every game went exactly as it should have and I am positive not a single person in the league would disagree. Weeks like this do not come often so I implore all of you to breathe it in and cherish it as if it was the time you discovered the sweet and salty perfection that is whip cream on bacon. All you pretentious pricks thinking what the hell even is that need to get off their dildo saddle and try it. I would never steer any of you wrong. Anyways, let’s get into the meat and potatoes of why all of you are here. 

 

Game of The Week 

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Baja Golden Piranhas - 100.32

Hill Valley Mandelorean - 100.24  

 

       We had ourselves a shootout, folks. A barn burner and titty turner that all came down to Monday night. Luckily for Zach, Gene has he shall not be named and chose to start him over every person on his bench, any whom would have had the Mandeloreans riding a midnight glaze to the milkshake factory. Instead I heard he shall not be named took the entire team out including their manager for one of his classic poop on chest nights. When you really think about it though, the Piranhas were able to turn piss into gold, so who knows what kind of team we will see on the next field for Hill Valley. The biggest mistake this week was Gene starting Shultz. If he would have started Ertz, he would have edged out the victory. With how much experience he has on the subject of edging I am shocked that he pulled a stint like this. At the end of the day it was downright reckless. 

 

The You Can Wear My Meat As A Dress Award 

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Dallas Big D’s - 133.64 

 

       All hail the Dickimus Maximus’ hailing from Dallas. Thou art strong and mighty like that of an ox. Derrick Henry? Who is that? Kareem Hunt? Forget about it. Draggin along the ground and doing the donkey swang is exactly what the Large Richards are all about. (Fun fact: Pin the tail on the donkey is what this Dallas team calls it when their girl is trying to put a condom on their dangling participle.) They have prevailed all season and have had their fair share of low hanging fruit. What has happened though is this fruit has hardened. Those ripe bananas are bananas no more, but rather durian. For those still hooked on apples, get off your third grade short bus and look up some man fruit. A man shall never be fully erect until he cracks open a durian with a machete. I for one am very antsy to get that opportunity. I am also frightened to the umpth degree because I have convinced myself that this is the reason I've been softer than a roll of charmin teepee for millennials. Seeing Angelina was an anomaly, dickhead. My penis can’t get hard. Okay? Angelina is a hand crafted canoe, a tailored suit, an uncaught firefly, a beacon of Minas Tirith, a 100 foot long ethernet cord, and she makes me feel lighter than a whisper. She is Willy Wonka's golden ticket and is a privilege. Liquid luck is the answer for any question regarding how any human on the planet has ever been able to share the same air as America’s rose petal. 

 

The Banana Buyer Award 

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

West Coast Eternals - 85.88

 

       What is going on in the West Coast. You will have your name back when you live up to the sacrifice that Tony Stark made for humanity. Maybe with your new found immortality, you will now be able to live long enough to put in a half decent performance in a week. Three weeks gentlemen. Alex has been the dog's dick of the league for three straight weeks now. What is even funnier than that is the fact that Alex has still scored more points than our resident otter king, Eugene Clark. (Little fun fact about otters, they are the hairiest animals on the planet, they are said to have one billion hair follicles on their body and for those who didn't hear me correctly, that was Billy with a B.) Poor Clarkykens has been looking like a mopped up hairball this season. This is not about him though, this is about Alex putting a run together so bad it is almost as impressive as the run that Luke went on at the beginning of the season averaging over 150 points through 6 weeks. It is quite astonishing but Alex is averaging 83 points over the last three weeks. Alex’s WRs TE combined for 5.5 points this week. I wish that I could say that he just did not start the right guys but only two guys on his bench put up points. The walls are closing in on this team and unless they have a movie grade bamboo stick to halt their enclosure, I see these dark times continuing for this early season powerhouse. 

​





 

Heath Miller Award 

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

TJ Cockenson AND Mike Jizzicki  -   0

​

       Color a dildo red and call my ass surprised because we have ourselves a twofer, and not just any old twofer. A Friday special Yassine is all too familiar with, the buy one gets two tight ends for free. You heard me correct, we have two starting TEs that get zero points this week. To make things even more Heath Millery, they did so while playing against one another. Cockenson had just one target which is pitiful in itself, while Jizzicki on the other hand should have taken a play out of his own name’s playbook and added a little homemade sticky icky to his gloves. This man managed to haul in as many boobs as Tony fondled up until the age of 25 on a whopping 7 targets. Both these TEs might have as well been cum stains on a prom dress aka a drop of a hat is all and them nipples go from a pacifier to a blow torch. I have been burned by a meat rack on several occasions and let me tell you, it’s a decent amount of pain. Manageable with some Aloe or Neosporin perhaps but nevertheless, a bit of sting that is best to be avoided. Coming into this week, they were both top 5 tight ends, but when you really think about it, this very reason is why we have the Heath Miller award in the first place. 

​




 

MIchael Vick Award 

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Rhamondre Stevenson - 25.4 

 

       Luckier than a teenage Anne Frank, Yassine played backup running back roulette this week and slabbed Stevenson into his lineup and the man was out on the field running like his first and last name was Fucks. The Pat’s are extremely high on this man and he was one of the main reasons why they felt comfortable trading Sony Michel earlier this year. This Sooner did his college proud and boomed that Browns defense like he was a damn mic guy. Unfortunately for him though he plays on a Chokers team that despite his best effort, put up less points than just three players on Luke's team. No need to fear though, I am sure Yassine is looking at his phone at this very moment going “ahh what the fuck, Im the best team in the league though”. Hey Yassine, whats up buddy ;* . (Back in the day that is how I would send girls a kiss face on IM, it seemed fitting.) 

​



 

       This week's theme is the most unbelievable events if present-day J Dickens went back in time to his senior year and told Lil Dickens (2014) what has transpired since.

 

Rankings 

 

10. Pawnee Swansons (4-6)

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Trump Presidency 

 

       The man, the myth, the “you're fired” guy, Mr. Donald Trump became the president of the United States in 2016. The shock was heard around the world when he first put his name down to run and for a lot of his campaign the majority thought he was messing around, but low and behold, the Succubus herself, Hilary Clinton was who he ran against. The masses were in agreement that this chica was just a terrible human being and the rest is history. Trump became the 45th president in US history. Turns out the man did not do a bad job. As far as his policies at least. The man was somehow given the control of his own twitter and boy did that not go well. A tape was released of him saying “grab her by the pussy” and that was shortly forgotten due to his tweets having zero filter and zero thought of repercussion. No matter if you hate this man or not you gotta respect him. I don't care about the million his dad gave him or any of that. Trump has gone out and accomplished everything he has said that he would. He walked into a situation that was completely uphill. All eyes were on him and he was taken as a complete joke. Similar to Michael not only going to the ship last year, but winning the whole damn thing. Though for Michael it was not a gaggle of emails and just being a slightly better person than the worst person on the planet that helped him win, but a mishap by his opponent. As for things to report about for his team, he did in fact switch in MIke Evans and start him this week. Thumbs up job. 

​




 

9. West Coast Avengers (4-6) 

​

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Fyre Festival 

 

       Fyre Fest was gearing up to be the party of the century, the hype for this festival was unlike anything the world had ever seen before. Tickets were sold for 1,200$ with some going for as much as 12,000$. It had a setlist hotter than the devil’s dick and promised luxury accommodations and gourmet meals. To promote the festival they even paid 15 of the top models in the world to shoot a commercial. The models it turned out didn’t even know what they were shooting the commercial for.  Let’s just say the festival did not go as planned. SO much so that the man behind it all is now serving a 6 year sentence in jail and faces a 26 million dollar forfeiture. The festival never even began. Excited attendees showed up to the island only to find half built bungalows and to-go boxes with a slice of bread accompanied by a slice of cheese inside. Their luggage was transported to the festival in the back of a semi truck and there are videos showing workers just dropping peoples luggage out of the back. There wasn’t even someone telling these people where to go when they arrived. There was zero organization and zero solution for how to do anything. Things only got worse as the festival was canceled upon the arrival of guests and all of these people were stuck in this hell-like situation. People who paid thousands of dollars were trapped on the island for days with little to no idea of when they would be able to return home. This went down as one of the biggest fucks up in history. I highly recommend checking out the Netflix documentary on it. The gif above where the guy is talking about sucking a dick is from it. Need I say more? Empty promises is what it was which leads me to this team. The Avengers and their Angelina Jolie-less team looked so good to start the season. It turns out, it was all smoke and mirrors and while filet mignon is what they promised, a diced carrot is what we got. Mark Ingram being back on the Saints is looking great for this team but there are just so many duds throughout the roster. Russell Gage put up zero points last week. Like come on. Zero points? That is just about as Atlanta as it gets. Lockett has way cooled down from his wild start and Josh Jacobs continues to be in an offense that is very pass heavy and constantly outshined by Kenyan Drake. Rodgers and Cooks are good players but have fallen in production. This team is just not very appetizing right now. I am a guy who buys multiple apps every time I go out. Just last week my buddy and I split 7 appetizers. That is not a joke. So let’s just say I know my way around some appys, and this team here aint even a sleeve of buttered saltines. 

 

​

​

8. Hill Valley Mandeloreans (2-8)

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Kids Eating Tide Pods 

 

       The year was 2017, things were going good for America, kids are cracked up on fidget spinners and washing their dinners down with some good ole Tide Pods. There were over 7,000 reports of kids falling ill as a result of eating this detergent as well as six deaths. What started with these ignoramuses popping these bad boys in and giving them a chew lead to them getting all Gordon Ramsey with it and throwing them on the stove top to spice things up a bit. There is no official exact reason why or even who it was that started this trend but boy was that kid a real genius. Who in their right mind thought that this was at all a smart idea. I have done countless dumb things in my life. Damn near women sports level of dumb. For instance this one time, I was at an abandoned house with my buddy and we had airsoft guns. I wanted to see what would happen if I shot a window with my gun. So I stood about 5 feet away from the window and shot it. Next thing I know the bullet is being ricocheted back at me and goes straight into my eye. I had a black eye for the next  week. 

       Turns out this Mandelorean team has not been aware that eating Tide pods is a bad thing. I made a call up to their team head chef last week and apparently they have a pod with every meal. What other explanation could there be for how this team has been such suck sticks all season. It would be an understatement to say this team has looked like monkeys wiping their ass with rocks out on the field. This band of misfits are so far fucked that Hagrid wouldn't even take them in. Michael didn't set his lineup for five games this season and has still scored more points than Gene. Losing to a farm team is never acceptable unless of course you find yourself on the field of dreams. It is truly insane trying to wrap my head around if this team's demise is the cause of their talent or their manager. I would love to see the analytics of what Gene’s record would be if he would not have made any of the trades he did. Gene literally traded away DK Metcalf for Jalen Hurts. This week he did not play Hurts and in place of DK played OBJ, this led to him losing by .08 points. See what I'm saying? Gene used his first number one waiver wire claim of the year on Justin Tucker. I know he tries to appear scared to eat the waffles but it seems like he has a waffle fetish or something, or maybe the fetish involves acting like he doesn't like the waffles. Gene you naughty boy. I do not imagine Michael will win another game this season so there is hope that you will not come in last. Gene also just a little note, you really only have two viable keepers on your roster. Outside of Taylor and Kupp your team looks like….. Well this. 

 

​

​

​

7. NY Camatos Giants (3-7)

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Falcons Blowing Themselves 

 

       Look, I know, this is not easy to talk about, but it is something I have to include. It is easily the most unbelievable thing I have experienced in my life. Even more so than the time I walked in on a teacher poking a Adam Kendall shit with a stick to try and get it to flush. This shit was so monstrous that it literally made the kid pass out. Not joking whatsoever when I say this single piece of shit was the size of a football. It was sticking out of the top of the water okay. LIke it was baffling. Still think about it to this day. It reminds me of the Falcons in the fourth quarter. Being up 28-3 and then deciding to gargle Tommy’s balls for ten minutes. That's really all I am going to say as it just is something I never like to mention. Speaking of choking on ball sack, the Giants have been through just about everything this season. They have been hibernating, comatose, sleeping, you name it, they have done it. They were on a hot streak but were no match for the Tropics. This would have been a massive win for Tony and would have put him a game ahead of Mark. NY did not come to play unfortunately. Their WRs and TE combined for 12 points. Even funnier is that fact that Tony chode choked himself and started Kittle in his flex and had Gibson and Smith on his bench who both put up 20 points. If he would have started either of them, this game would have been his. He should have a good bounce back week though as he gets Chase and Mongomery back from bye. The emergence of James Connor is as helpful to this team as Gene is to Tony when he gets his dick stuck in between couch cushions. I like this team, I really do. If they would have had a better start to the season they would be looking like a real strong playoff runner. 

 

 

​
 

6. Baja Golden Piranhas (6-4)

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Legalization of Marijuana 

 

       When I was a young lad, I always dreamed of a day where I could suck cannabis like there was no tomorrow and have no worry of it getting me in trouble. Never did I actually think that it would be legalized. I always had to maneuver so carefully in highschool when smoking. I still got fucked though. I trusted my confirmation sponsor one night and told him that I occasionally took a ride on the green machine. He repaid my trust by telling my parents that I was hooked on the Devil’s Lettuce. We have not talked since. He still reaches out and I could give a fuck. My parents did not trust me for years after and were always watching me. It was absolutely awful. Luckily I had no encounters with the law, just a couple of close calls. The news of this legalization spread to all parts of the world and in fact led to many places legalizing new things. How do you think the Golden Piranhas came to be? Down the Baja they made it legal to piss on fish and throw them into a cast iron skillet. Thus, the Golden Piranhas are born. Last week by the skin of their piss, this Baja team squeezed out a pivotal victory over the King Sea Otter. What a shock that the week Zach doesn’t start Daniel Jones, he wins. I am on the edge of my seat waiting to see what happens next when Daniel Jones is not on a bye. Michael Carter is starting to cook and it could not have come at a better time as Aaron Jones is out for the unforeseeable future. McLaurin and Moore have been struggling lately but I think this will turn around as Moore now has the greatest QB in NFL history throwing it to him. Ekler has been a maniac, and I like myself a maniac, just look at my exes. Hot damn were they all insane. I have myself wondering if sane chicks even exist anymore. Sloots are running rampant. 

 

​

​

5. Flint Tropics (4-6)

 

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Bitcoin 

 

       I was a wee lad back in 2014. I am driving along the road with my buddy and he brings up this new currency I had never heard of called Crypto. The main one was called Bitcoin and it was trading in the 200$ range. I didn’t think much of it and continued to go on through life. A week ago, Bitcoin hit an all time high at over 67,000$ per coin. Boy oh boy do I wish I had listened a little more closely. Never would I have ever expected this to be what came of it. Not just Bitcoin as well but all of Crypto. People talk about going back in time and buying a lottery ticket or betting on a sports game but without a doubt, the biggest purse you could walk home with is having invested in Crypto. An investment of this caliber would have you being Eddie Murphy circa 1985 eating fries off of a naked model on his terrace in Paris. Though at the beginning of all of this crypto talk, people called it insane. Similar to what the league was saying about Mark's team at the Beijing of the season. Boy have I been proved wrong though holy guacamole has this team really started to take flight. This team has become a peacock that can fly, no, a Kim Jong Un-less North Korea, no, a false positive. That's the one. He is riding high on a three game win streak and the people of Flint are loving it. His team has looked better each and every week and now that Aaron Jones is out and Mark amazingly has AJ Dillon, that trend does not look like it is going anywhere anytime soon. Jeudy is back and looking very crisp with his routes but unfortunately is capped by the ability of Bridgewater to get him the ball. Elijah Mitchell is emerging as a star and Jevonte is turning in consistent games week after week. His Lineup from last week was a powerhouse and he did not even have Damien HArris or Alvin Kamara in it. Lastly, and the best part of this entire team, is dun dun dunnnnnnnn, CAMERON FUCKING JERRELL FUCKING MVP FUCKING NEWTON. Need I say more? That man is how Chanel got their sex cologne for men. They simply filled vials of Cameron’s sweat and didn't even need to change anything about it. Threw it in a bottle and wham bam you will be irresistible to any woman. 

 

​

​

​

4. Dallas Big D’s (5-5)

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Only Fans 

 

       In a world where Kim K got famous from a boner vid, you still would not have been able to convince me that in the future I would be able to go to a website and pay to see naked pictures of hot girls from my high school/college. After a study conducted by the Chicago institute of Sports Science, they concluded that it is indeed mainstream now and highly accepted for women to be sluts. Who would have thunk? These girls are making millions of dollars from this shit too. Bella Thorn made a million dollars in the first 24 hours of starting her account. Like have dudes never heard of deep fakes or pornhub? Some of these accounts charge 49.99 a month for a subscription. That is like throwing 50 dollar movie theater hot dogs down the drain a month and that will never be something that I can get behind. In the words of the famous tree chopper, George Washington, he said “It is always better to pay for titties, than to have no titties.” Spoken like a true gentleman if I do say so myself. It has gotten to the point where there are now sex tapes there. Saw an interview of a guy talking about it and he said that he has been making around a million dollars per tape. He literally admitted in the interview to having a not so big cock but he said he doesn't even care. People are paying to see that shit and at the end of the day, it’s a million dollars. This just has me thinking of how much money Dallas could make with their Big D’s if this guy can make millions. This Dallas team might as well be an advertisement for OnlyFans. Because boy are they hot hot hot and boy would I pay for an under the sheets look at that penis. Luke outscored Alex’s entire team with just three of his players. What it is looking like is Luke is no doubt the most dangerous team in the league when the Chiefs are lubed. He put up the most points this week while having AJ Brown and AP combining for 4 points. Even without Henry, this team is going places. Once Kareem gets back, it's gon be scary. 

 

​

​

​

3. Atlanta Chokers (8-2)

 

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Pandemic 

 

       This one is still setting in if I do say so myself. A global pandemic? Are you fucking kidding me? I would have believed just about anything before I believed that there was going to be a pandemic. Shit I would have probably even believed that Yassine would actually be good at Fantasy before believing there would be a pandemic. With modern medicines, it was never a thought that had even crossed my mind. Now we have a vaccine being shoved further down our throats than the infamous black mamba video. Now I have nothing against those who want to get the vaccine, but to be completely honest, the movie I Am Legend really fucked a lot of things up for me. The fact that a cancer vaccine caused a zombie outbreak really made my wheels start to turn. I just cannot convince myself to get the zombie maker. No way jose. Yes a lot of bad has happened as a result of the pandemic but holy shit was a lot of the things that happened hilarious. Americans were out at grocery stores wearing anything from a bucket to a bra as a face mask. People had to resort to using towels and t-shirts as toilet paper. (You just know all those french men were looking at us smirking while enjoying a baguette during their hourly ass blast.) (Side note to my side note - I have recently become pretty interested in trying a bidet, full transparency I have never been a fan of butt stuff, though I do pride myself in the cleanliness of my fart box. So lately I have been intrigued, I won't lie.) The pandemic caused a nationwide quarantine and motherfuckers were going crazy left and right. Was it just me or were yall playing the not talked about game between all men in the world of “how many times can I masturbate in 24 hours”? I don’t like to brag but 29. 29 times in 24 hours. A trip to my chiropractor the next day and a gallon of vaseline was all that was needed to get back to 100%. Probably the best part of it is that it dropped me 9 pounds just a week before beach season. Talk about a win-win. The pandemic saw tragedy, laughter in dark times, people coming together and people falling apart. It was a time that no one ever expected and one that no one was prepared for. The Chokers….. Well, I guess I will just let all of you come to your own conclusions on the reasoning behind this Yassine lead team’s theme. That is all I will say on the matter. 86 points? I think I could eat 86 hotdogs before I would ever allow my team to score 86 points. If this was a test out of 200, you would have failed miserably. You just barely outscored your record. I know there is going to be complaining about being third so let me just paint it out for you. Brady is washed. You scored 86 points during a week that a third string RB scored 25.4 points for you. Mixon is trash. DK will never be CeeDee. Waller has fallen down a well. Chubb is good, but just failed another covid test. You still have Miles Sanders on your roster. And Godwin is a WR1 trapped on a team with three WR1 calibur players. Yassine do you realize that you could have set Joe’s lineup for him and you still would have lost last week? And you are the best? Deserving of number one? Nah my guy. You also have to go up against the skins this week. Just as they have done so many times before, Washington is going to prove that a Foreskin is the best Choker money can buy. 

​


 

​

2. Córdoba Gauchos (6-4)

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Storming The Capitol 

 

       So the pandemic was crazy, but this right here folks is probably the gnarliest shit I have ever seen, and just as a reference, I lived on 4chan in middle school. A guy dying because he was intrigued what it would feel like to have Chris Little’s 2017 team up his rectum. From dudes chopping their balls with a hatchet to a girl giving a dog a blow job to a bald man sticking his entire head up a woman’s vagina, I thought I had seen everything, that’s what I would call a slow Tuesday. Until earlier this year when Americans actually broke in and stormed the capitol. If you would have told me this when I was a senior in highschool I would have laughed, and said that I’d believe that the moment I saw Tony turn down a dicking from Gene. We all know that would never happen and I am 100% positive when I am writing the second part two of this theme in ten years, that is something that still hasn’t happened. These degenerates were just asking to be shot. Eating Tide pods is just about the dumbest thing I have ever heard of and yet doesn’t even hold a candle to these dumb fucks storming the Capitol. The Gauchos stormed the Choker’s Capitol last week and boy oh boy was that ass kicking a whole ass boner vibe. Cordoba could have not started their QB, both of their flexes, and their TE and they would have still won. This Gaucho team is one that has not fucked about this season. They put up a fight every week and I am confident that beside the resident mental patient, no one in the league feels good when they have to face them. Zeke and Swift are actual animals. They are rhinos with the speed of cheetahs. Kelce is as consistent as me failing every math test I ever took. 

 

​

​

1. Washington Foreskins (8-2)

 

 

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

My Penis Getting Smaller 

 

       Sooooo uhhh, yeah. My dick it uhhh, i-, it just, uhh, well it's just shrinking a bit. Dickens jr. used to be fun size and boy did we have ourselves some fun. Though that fun size was so great for the time being and never let me down or stranded. Of course there was the Tequila Tender Fiasco of 08 but we don’t talk about that. I have always supported my broner. We have been the best of friends for what feels like a lifetime. The sweet whispers he has shared with me on restless nights always reassured me that he was going to grow. In his own words “You can only become a two seater once you are capable of handling training wheels.” This mother fuck was cleary speaking out of his balls though with the fact that he looks like a sweater that you put in the wash and it shrunk 4 sizes. They don’t make a candy bar smaller than a fun size. Okay? I looked. I now have no proper estimate for the size of my cleavage crawler now. My cum lakes have turned cum drooples. I've gone from a personal pizza to a damn bagel bite, and we all know that just one bagel bite never satisfies. Perhaps, the only explanation is that I am currently living in a Space Jam-esque world where my penis powers have been transferred to my Foreskins because this team looks like a post church donut. The enormity of their star power is undeniable. This team at the current moment is the only team that has zero holes. Every position is covered. The only flaw I see is that they did not pick up Cam Newton in time. I could see this being a real factor downstream for this team. Their manager has been cocked up in a soft serve parlor for the last week sulking. This is where having Najee Harris comes in clutch. One wrap of his arms around you and it is like a baby dove spreading its wings for the first time. A crazy stat, because there is no one in this league that is safe from the wrath of Dickens, is that this is looking like it will be just the second time that Jonah has even gone above .500. He did so the very first season of the league and then went 8 seasons without doing so. This is not the same Jonah though and that is apparent. He has made more trades this year than he has the entire time the league has been a thing combined. He is locked in and boy are those some Foreskins I wanna suck. I mean Fuck. I mean watch every Sunday with a couple of buddies.