Is it just me or is everyone hard right now? Ya boi Mr. Sammy Sosa’s Drug Guy is back with some cheek clenching banter and knowledge that is sure to extract all of the moisture from your body. A titty loving, meat connoisseur once told me “have a little faith in yourself and go fuck yourself Tony”. I know you love yourself a good ride on a sacko but boy oh boy how are you doing? Like actually, has anyone checked in on Tony? I imagine his cock currently resembles a baby snail. No amount of black rhino pills will be able to fix this one. The hardest thing in his life right now is trying to look at himself in the mirror. I heard a rumor that he has already put on 35 pounds from stress eating. Those chocolate bananas do tend to build up. Last time Tony saw a muffin top like the one he is rocking is last week when Gene naked man’d him, and I’ll tell you what, Tony loves himself a hairy muffin. His love of hair -dating back to the first time he and Gene first touched- is so strong that if hair is not in his food at a restaurant, he sends it back.

 

       My apologies for the bye week last week, spent a little time with the family down at the beach and took some much needed rest and relaxation. We missed a whole lot though, Taylor scoring 5 times, Gene gobbling glizzies all the way to the highest scorer and many games having unexpected outcomes. Here we are two weeks later and the rankings have not been stirred but shaken rather. If the league a couple weeks ago was a table, it is now a turntable. 

 

Game of The Week 

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Hill Valley Mandelorean - 121.36
Washington Foreskins - 116.4 

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       There was a time where a matchup between these two was seen as a rivalry week. Though the days of using posted notes to hold up a picture of the other's face over their dick seem like nothing but a faint memory. Luckily for us we do have the receipts. (I am not here to talk about the time my dick felt more at home than it ever has okay, I will leave it at that.) Things have been civil between the two thus far in the season though. They have made two trades and everything has been very amicable between them. I guess the tale of Beauty And The Beast is not total bullshit afterall. Now for the matchup. It was one that was close all weekend. Both teams had players play as if they were on their knees including Jalen Hurts for the Mandelorean and Najee Harris for the Foreskin. Across the board the Mandelorean played much more consistently, the only reason the Foreskins found themselves in a position to win was because of the play of Leonard Fournette. The man put up 40.7 points and it was still not enough. The Foreskins looked as if they were too shy to come out of their turtlenecks. 

 

 

 

 

The Randy Johnson Award 

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West Coast Avengers - 146.48

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       Oh? Could this really be so? Has Thor shed his “I should have aimed for the head” weight and become the hero he was always meant to? Are we living out Avengers 17 and Tony Stark has returned to help the other Avengers get off their crack problem? You gotta tickle my asshole and spray paint it with a cow pattern because boy oh boy am I shooketh. For weeks this team has been as shitty as Captain Marvel trying to look badass on a motorcycle. They were the Wonder Woman 2 of the league and that shit aint even part of this universe. Alas though it looks like the Wizards of Westeros have come to play. The Avengers laughed their way to victory as the rest of the league brought blasters to a light saber fight. Aaron Rodgers was at the helm helping trek their way to 146.48 points. He looked like Gandalf leading the Fellowship through Gotham. All around great job that the Justice league did here this week. It is not everyday that you find yourself up against a Charzard and live to tell the tale, too bad for that Charzard though as it went up against a team of Avatars. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Jim Levenstein Award  

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The Dallas Big D’s - 87.92

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       The last time I saw a D this deflated was the time I accidentally used icy hot as lube to masturbate. It hurts. It really hurts to see what has happened to this team. The greatness they felt early on has been plagued by close losses and injuries. Dallas’ reliance on KC was the major downfall in this contest. Luke was forced to start Sutton and Heinicke with Mahomes and Hill on a bye and they performed like a burning piss. Relieved that it came out to play but boy was it painful to watch. He was also down AJ Brown, Corey Davis and AB. Waddle and Pollard were the lone highlights. Having five players score below four points is about as bad as it gets. Kareem Hunt attempted to return after being out for multiple weeks but was limited on snaps due to tightness. Call me a believer but I think this team bounces back the rest of the season in a major way. 

 

 

 

 

Heath Miller Award 

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DK Metcalf - 1.8 

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       DK is up there holding up the amount of targets he got on Monday night. Here’s the thing, there was a time not too long ago that I sent a trade to Yassine that involved me giving him Ceedeez Nutz for Donkey Kong Sr. and he responded by laughing in my face. The pompous nature of the kid is undeniable and is looking like it might be the cause of his downfall. The state of the Seahawks currently can only be described as armageddon and no I am not talking about DK’s probable dick size. Despite having an elephant trunk for a dick, DK was unable to draw a single target in the first half of the game. It wasn’t until the final drive of the game that he even caught a ball. This is a guy who is as physically gifted as anyone the world has ever seen. He is a mamba of a boner. His body is a Ferrari in the shape of a hurricane and yet the Seahawks are so garbage right now that he can’t even get more than one catch. If I was Yassine I would bench him the remainder of the season. Just some friendly advice. 

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Michael Vick Award 

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Leonard Fournette - 40.6 

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       Oh Leonard, my sweet sweet Leonard, you are truly a beautiful boy. 100 yards and 3 TDs on 17 carries and an additional 31 yards on 7 catches AND a receiving TD? Say whattttttt? This is a man that was thrown to the wayside just a season ago. He was then picked up by the Bucs and split carries with Ronald Jones. Following a dominant SuberBowl performance last year, Fournette went into training camp like a mama dragon. He secured the starting role and the rest was history. He has looked the best he has his entire career this season. Even with that being said, scoring over 40 points is a feat not many can say they have done. He was out there looking like the lighting that helped Benjamin Franklin discover electricity. 
   

       Boys and girls I am proud to announce that this week's theme is “The Closer”. Below is a list composed by yours truly that are sure fire ways to go from Handy Harold to Blowey Joey. Now I am sure you have all heard of Peacocking, or pickup lines, but this is not that. This list are things you do once you have already met the gal, had some conversation with her and it is getting near the end of the night and it is now or never to storm the wardrobe and explore Narnia. Closing is said to be an art by many, so sit back, relax, and enjoy some of my most infamous paintings. 

 

 

Rankings 

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10. The Green Bay Slurped Michael And Still Losts 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Chrysanthemum ™

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       Women love a good vocabulary. They flock to anything resembling unexpected intelligence. This can be a double edged sword though. If you throw out a word such as chrysanthemum, you must do so in the right manner. Sufisictication gentlemen, this is the way. Using an intelligent word in the wrong sense is a sure fire way  to get your ass laughed at with a side of don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Though when used correctly, a “lil fizz” as I like to call them, will have you paving the yellow brick road. As they say, there is no boiling water without the fizz. Some examples for y'all are instead of saying circle say thick oval, instead of saying pink say light red, instead of saying sock say foot beanie, instead of saying light bulb say electric match, instead of saying water say tequila, instead of saying mouth say car seat, instead of saying hotter than my asshole in a 106 degree hot tub say Angelina Jolie and so on. Y’all get the point. It really aint that. The smarter you sound, the more likely you are to get a tour through the forbidden section of her library. She will be thinking of you one way all night and near the end you start heating up and throwing in a lil fizz here and there and she will not know who she is dealing with. The mystery and infatuation will be too hard to bear. Now of course, we all know that what is spewing out of your mouth is total bullshit, but as long as the female does not think so, you are good to go. Unfortunately in Tony’s situation, the chrysanthemum talk was flowing but in the end, just as the league had expected the entire time, held no weight. I mean he literally just lost to a team without a manager. The man thought he could waltz like he was in a disney movie but we all know damn well the only ball he has ever been invited to was located in Yassine’s pants. Am I sad that Tony is done for the season? No. No, I am not. In fact I might just bench my entire team the rest of the season to rub it in Tony’s face that my freshly shaven pubes are longer than the popcorn kernel that he calls his dick. Tony is about to have the first pick in the draft two years in a row, the question is, is he going to keep CMC? Also I am as giddy as Stanley on pretzel day thinking about having the ability to name Tony’s team. Of all the creative bits I have done thus far, I vow to each and everyone of you that the name bestowed upon Tony’s team will take the cake. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Pawnee Swansons 

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The Hometown Kid ™ 

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       This one falls in the same category as the Face Mask. It involves showing a female another side of you that was unforeseen. A curveball thrown right down the middle. Bitches love family. That is a fact. So when you bust out a picture of your family, their downstairs will become wetter than a can of blue rockies on a hot summer day. No it is not raining, that is her whispering eye. A lady boner is the only possible response they will have. I won’t lie, half of this league has helped me close many times. I bust out the beach photos or nice holiday family picks and next thing I know I am canoeing up the Niagara falls. Without fail I am left each time regretting that I did not wear a poncho. Being close with your family is something that is coveted by all that do not have that in their life and a quality those that do have it want in their partner. So when the lights of the night start to dim, pull up those bad boys and you will at a minimum see some boobies. A picture of you and your brother for some tatas? That's a trade I am willing to make. A family member or a close friend resembling family can take you further than you could imagine in some situations in life. Such as a trade in fantasy football or rather several trades in fantasy football spanning 10 years. Whether you are showing a picture to a bird or trade raping, it does not matter if that close friend or family member has been distant or nonexistent lately, they are guaranteed to get you where you are trying to go. Oh hey Michael. I know you are not reading this so I will direct the attention to this team's manager, hey Tony. Turns out, the hometown kid approach doesn't always work. Not when you have a face resembling an aged Wisconsin Gouda. You are the cheese no one touches on a charcuterie. Even when it is the last type of cheese left. People would rather go raw dog on some pepperoni or even a cracker. Get a hold of yourself and get back to churning because you sir, you aren't even mold, you are low fat dairy free milk. Disgusting.

 

 

8. Hill Valley Mandelorean 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Doggo Swallow ™ 

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       First off let me say this does not say “having a pet”. No no no, any pet will not work. I do not care about your cat or bird and neither do the ladies. Most men play the dog card too early. They will go about as a way to spark conversation when they feel like it is dying off. This is the wrong move. Having a dog is a closer. It is not something to bring up early on when you are in a bind. This will lead to 15 minutes of showing her pictures and then have you exactly where you were before. This closer should be used when all closers should, at the end. You just had a great date or time out at a party with a chick and you are wondering how you can get her back to your place. If you do not have drugs, the answer is by saying “I gotta get home to check on my dog”. This is when she will go “you have a dog? Why didn't you tell me? OMG I love dogs! What kind is he?”. She will then insist on coming over and will not take no for an answer. When you get back to your place and she looks around for the dog and does not find one, need not worry, you will be waiting naked on the couch with a collar on your weiner dog. Haha no no, you actually need a dog for this to work. Once she meets your dog the grapes are getting peeled if you know what I mean. Speaking of hairy animals, hello Eugene you dirty drain clogger. I have actually heard that Jessica has actually used this closing method with females in the past to lure them back to y’alls place and yes, in this situation, you are indeed the dog she is referring to. What a massive win over the predominant genitalia of the league this week. It was a must win game as it helped to keep the Mandeloreans in playoff contention. Despite Jalen Hurts and Miles Sanders combining for 12 points, this team of sharpshooters was able to put up 121 points. That is commendable. Gallup is thriving right now but I fear it will be coming to an end soon as Cooper and Lamb come back from injury. Renfrow has stepped up in a big way ever since Ruggs’ departure and Diontae Johnson is proving that he is able to put up points no matter how mediocre the Steelers offense plays. In order for this team to rally and make the playoffs they are going to need some massive games from Kupp and Taylor. Good news for them though as both these players are numero uno at their respected positions. Kupp is without a doubt the steal of the draft, this man has taken the token white dude to a whole nother level. Never did I think that I would see another Jordy Nelson but hot damn here we are and it is spectacular. 

 

7. West Coast Avengers 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Face Mask ™ 

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       Now this one, I must say, is among the most risky of the closers. The reason being that it straddles the line between friend zone and bone zone. If there are any doubts floating around in your mind about where you stand with this woman, do not, I repeat, do not engage in this activity. But if you are a lion on the prowl and have been a major dickhead before, a face mask is a solution to show another side of yourself. A manly man putting on a facemask and opening a bottle of wine is basically woman viagra. They will eat it up faster than Joey Chestnut. Then do not be surprised if this facemask and wine situation turns into you nutting on her chest. Sloots love it when they think they have you figured out and then you shoot a bazooka right through their assumption. That bazooka is your penis and her assumption is her earlobe. As they say, in one ear, out the other. If you have ever wondered what the phrase “getting brain” comes from, this is where, now you know. Much like The Face Mask approach, this Avengers team has been tip toeing around the line of rejection and injection all season long. Now I am not one to say that Alex has a past history of finding himself in the zone a time or two, but I will say this team does enjoy playing very Courtney Walkerish….. (Bottom GIf) If you catch my drift…. Where did they get this from? I am not sure, that is a question for someone in the organization. I will tell you this though, this past week, this team fucked, fucked real good. Although they did score the most points, they did play the three legged dog of the league but nevertheless the point total was impressive. This team is looking good for a playoff push. They have Hopkins coming back from a long injury, Jamal Williams is primed to step in for the injured Swift, Dalvin is looking healthy and Rodgers is slinging that pigskin around like a damn butcher. If fully healthy, this team is not one you want to see in the last few weeks of the season. 

 

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6. Baja Golden Piranhas 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Balboa Bonk ™ 

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       The man who got famous for punching other men in the face was on to something. He was light years ahead of his time. It was in the middle of watching him beat the shit out of that Russian. This is for a scenario where other people are around. If things begin to look bleak and you are all out of options, turn and punch the dude closest to you right in the face. There will be a skirmish and once it is all settled you will need to answer some questions. All you have to do is make up something shitty that he said about the female you are talking to. You will tell her how you will not stand for a guy saying such remarks about such an incredible woman and then she will throw herself at you faster than a Usain Bolt 40 yard dash. You do risk getting your ass obliterated by punching the wrong guy but hey, that is a risk you must be willing to make. So you better make that first punch one that counts. It is vital that you bring the ham and bacon and leave that pussy shit at home. Baja knows all about this as it is impossible to piss gold without the tenacity of a knockout low blow to the face just so you can maybe sleep with a female, and when I say maybe I mean 100% guarantee. Baja will slap the dickens out of any bystander that may be unfortunate enough to be in his vicinity when close to striking out. It is a cut throat league and you can bet your ass that the Piss Piranhas are going to go down swinging in a blaze of golden showers. Whether it be on them or from them, them showers are gonna be flowin. The liver drainers that have been leading this team are Mclaurin, Moore and Eckler, without them this team would have had a much rougher go this season. Aaron Jones is looking like he will be back from injury sooner than expected and that could be massive for the Cockwaters as the playoffs approach. Michael Carter should be back right in time for playoffs as well so be prepared to see this team in full force strapped with Wizzinator 5,000s. 

 

 

5. Dallas Big Ds 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Baggie Caddie 

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       This one is simple. Girls love drugs. A lot. Like a lot a lot. Say you are with a gal and things are starting to taper off near the middle/end of the night and you are unsure if you will be able to keep the attention of the sloot in question. Lean in, and whisper the following sentence into her ear “do you want to do some drugs?” These vibrations from your assophoguy will be sent through the very core of this sloots being and BAM, you are the only party favor she is going to want to bring home. Girls hear drugs and they immediately start lactating. A free drug to a girl is like a free food sample to a guy walking through Costco, neither one can say no and you can bet your ass they will be back for more. This is a guaranteed hole in one everytime. Ever wondered what it felt like to be Randy Johnson? Have a baggie on you and you will find out. As for this Dallas team, they are 100% on drugs. You cannot convince me otherwise. Whether it be roids, crack, white butter, the jane formerly known as mary, coyote dust, ass bumps, pink floyds, white girl, dope dick, moon dragon, or happy grass. They are on something. In my humble opinion I have put together a hypotenuse involving the possibility that they started with roids at the beginning of the season but that just led to a gateway that landed on DMT. If having hot and cold flashes was a team, it would be Dallas. The drugs Dallas has their hands in are not one's you should be offering females as they would turn them down and they turn down maybe 2% of drugs offered to them. This team is down bad. Perhaps they took a dip in the bowl of life ruiners after a couple of close high scoring losses. Even one win in those games would have this team in a completely different position. All hope is not lost yet though. Dicks are made tough, they were made  to be able to withstand abuse. A win this upcoming week would be absolutely massive for them. It is looking like an uphill battle with AJ Brown, AB and Kareem Hunt all out due to various reasons. They do have Mahomes and Hill back in the lineup though and that pair can easily go for 60 any given week. To end on a crazy note of how drug infused this team is, they have put up less than 90 points in the last four out of six weeks and are still the third highest scorer in the league. What kind of peyote is that? 

 

 

 

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4. Cordoba Gauchos 

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The Puffer ™ 

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       Confidence. Ever heard of it? It is something women flock to. Females see a confident man and gaggle more than seeing a pumpkin spice anything promotion. So when the night is nearing a possible end, as I like to say, “when in doubt, puff it out”. You puff that chest. A little caveat though with this one, your nipples must be hard. A puffed chest without nipples piercing is not a puffed chest at all. If anything, your chest might as well be an ass at that point. Your nips gotta be a plasma cutter ready to slice through diamond like butter. Why you may ask? Because nothing ever good came from being soft. If a chick wanted something soft she would go into the bathroom and grab herself some charmin. When the time is right and your nipples are shining through your shirt like a spotlight, you will proceed with one titty bounce. This one serves as a feeler, but let me just say, if she was feeling the nips, she’s gonna feel the bounce. If she says any words you have done it wrong. A proper titty bounce should be received with pure silence. Count to seven in your head and hit her with a double double. Two bounces two seconds apart. Wait ten seconds and if nothing had been said, her clothes will most certainly be on the ground. There is a reason a gorilla bangs on his chest and not anywhere else. First, the chest has nipples aka lube. Second, the chest is the primal sexual represntation of power. And there, that is it. That is all you need to know on that matter. Sometimes I will put ice in my underwear before attempting this close to ensure my nips are hibachi knife level sharp. They say Gauchos know their way around a nipple and I believe that. It is said that they have worked on the art of making their nipples hard on command for years in order to sex up females. Though they are not a pompous bunch, Cordoba is one that is proud. One that has never needed lube. I once saw a Gaucho fend off a bear with only his right pec. He then made love to it’s wife. A story as old as time. The Gauchos have the second most points for this season and have shown very few signs of weakness. The reason for their drop in the rankings is because of a couple injuries they have that occured last week. Being without Swift and Samuel leaves this team in a very questionable state. The Gauchos are now forced to start Kirk, Bourne, and Freeman this week and all I will say is that is very good news for Dallas. This team has more question marks than answers currently and the only one that knows how all of this will end is father time himself. 

 

 

3. Atlanta Chokers 

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 The Egyptian Prince ™ 

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       The people of Indonesia used to refer to a method of picking up females as krav maga. Translated into english it means Yassine is a bitch. Not but actually here is how the Egyptian Prince works. It begins with you having to spill a drink on yourself or perhaps staging a scene where someone else spills their drink on you. This will then be followed by you having to take your shirt off. Now I know what you might be thinking. “You show them your muscles”. No peasants. It is not about the body whatsoever but the hair on top that makes the difference. Upon taking your shirt off the sloot you are conversing with will see you chest hair shaven into a massive arrow pointing straight at your cock. At that moment she won't be able to take her eyes off of you and where the arrow leads. The mystery will be killing her. Where does that arrow lead? If I know one thing for certain, it is that women love themselves a treasure hunt. When she asks what the hell is even that all you have to respond with is “I guess it is pointing to the X, and we all know X marks the spot. (Side note: You will have to shave your pubes into an X for this strat to really come to fruition. I cannot stress this point enough.) She will stop at nothing to find that X and when she does, you might as well call her Indiana Jones because she is most certainly going to raid your lost ark. The only team I can think of that screams look at me look at me like an arrow pointing to your dick is the one led by Yassine The Queen. How else would he gain the attention of some of our veteran managers such as Tony and Zach. Tony did find himself that X but Zach on the other hand is a bit harder to please. If there is no guarantee of penis water, there is no Zach. I can already hear the bitching and moaning spewing out of Yassine’s asshole about this placement but don’t you worry, there is good reason for it. Waller has become a non factor as defenses have seemed to figure him out by just double covering him each week. Godwin is a hit or miss especially with AB returning to the lineup soon. DK is on an offense that is currently having trouble with just about everything. I imagine they are even struggling with trying to tie their own shoes. All of his backup RBs that carried him thus far are back to being backups. There is a zero percent chance Mixon can keep this streak up. Nick Chubb is phenomenal but it pains me to say that the Browns are trash right now and cannot seem to do anything right. Mooney is great but is limited by his QB situation. Need I say more? Your bench is shallower than a kiddy pool and you are one injury away from relying on Marvin Jones Jr. or Van Jefferson in the most critical part of the season. This team is just not consistent. I mean you put up 93 points in a week where your RB4 Joe Mixon put up 30 points. When all is said and done, I am sure you will be back to taking mirror pics and in your happy place. 

 

 

 

2. Washington Foreskins 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Story ™ 

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       The world is your oyster, and in this case, that oyster is a story to tell that is sure to bring a sensation on within a female that makes their insides sweat. This story could be one of tragedy or triumph, of wonder or transparency. The key is practice. An unrehearsed story told off a whim is one that will only lead to insincerity in your tone and result in a lack of passion. That passion is what drives the believability. No matter how insane a story might be, the teller holds the power of conveying fact or fiction. Those not able to lie should shy away from this tactic as you must be a Tom Brady level of dialed in in order to pull it off. The story is the first lie but then you must be prepared for the follow-up questions that will undoubtedly follow. It is best to incorporate something in the story that pertains to you personally whether it be a scar or place you have visited or something that you love. This personal connection will allow for you to help kindle the fire that is this tall tale. For me, I happen to have a scar on my chest about an inch long. I utilize it by telling a story of how I was stabbed in highschool outside of a Weekend concert. I would be happy to tell you the full thing next time I am in person with each of you. I know every single in and out and I am ready for any question that may come my way. All bases must be covered and if you perform correctly, the flowers might as well be under the spring sun year around. A story that would be sure to check all of these boxes is the story of the Foreskins. From a lowly peasant and town idiot to the hand of the king. King Foreskin that is. A Foreskin so mighty it makes Jack’s beanstalk look like a travel shampoo. This team drafted just about perfectly while they both set up their future as well as a team that was ready to compete and fight for a championship right now. A couple of speed bumps along the way did not lead this team astray but instead humble it resulting in them locking in. The simple answer of why they are ranked ahead of the Chokers is that they have no holes. Once Kyler Murray gets back and Ceedee clears concussion protocol, this team is ready to live out the ending of this great action novel they have found themselves in. 

 

 

 

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1. Flint Tropics 

 

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The 18 year old virgin ™ 

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       This strategy is the only one on this list that acts as both an opener and a closer. Listen here okay. Women are complex creatures. One of the things that comes with this complexity is that they like to be the first to do something/claim something and will go to great lengths to do so. Hearing the words “I am a virgin” from an attractive well kept man is sure to perk their ears more than a bunny’s on easter. Perhaps this woman has never been with a virgin, perhaps she is enthralled with taking virginities, perhaps they just want to help out. Whatever the case may be. This shit works. Trust me. Say that six letter word and you will go from a deer in headlights to a guy sticking his head into a girl's tail lights. They want to experience the world for the first time by helping you to experience the world. The very thought of your young innocence is enough to have their insides boil. A woman fucking a virgin is equivalent to a dog peeing on a tree or Neil Armstrong ALLEGEDLY planting the American flag on the moon. Just like the countless number of females that have been duped by this closing maneuver, we as a league were dubbed by Mark. He came into this season with what seemed to be a bright eyed innocence. His team looked as though they had never once fucked in their life and we all wrote him off. We allowed for him to come back to our place and even made him a nice meal, but when it came time to tangle in the sheets, he rocked our world in a way only a pro was capable of. Leaving us with instant regret for ever even thinking we had power over him. The leader of the Tropics had his way with us and now is reaping the rewards. There is no simple way to say this, this team is good. Okay? Like pineapple on a pizza good. Not only does he have Cam Newton, but he has a team capable of putting up 130 points with two of his best players, Kamara and Mitchell, on his bench. This team is as complete as they come and I guarantee there is not a single team that wants to see them in the playoffs. In my eyes the biggest part of this team completing this historic turn around is all on the shoulders of AJ Dillon. If Aaron Jones continues to rest and Dillon continues to perform, all will be well in the Tropics.