Ohhhhhh sweeeetum! I think I might need some new pants because these ones are wet with the blood of a primate. The story behind this you may ask? That is for another time. As for right now though, ya boi Mr. Trunk Down Under is back to caress your insides. Tony Montana once said “when the mountains are above the river line, head for the canopy down wind”. I think we can all take something from that quote.  How I interpret it is as follows, when a rock is turned into lemonade, it is not the act of doing so that makes the man, but rather, his decision to drink it. Cha feel? That same goes for when Yassine sucks Mixon’s dick. It is not the act of sucking that we judge him for, but whether or not he swallows the cum. I am willing to bet that he guzzles that shit like a baby who hasn't had its mouth on a nipple in hours. This is the holiday season after all though, a time when everyone is supposed to come together. No Gene, I did not say cum together, no need to get your lima bean in a knot. Damnit Gene. Fuck it. Let's just get going.

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       Just gonna throw something random out there for y’all. Have any of you ever noticed how slides and dicks have a lot in common? Their shape, the fact that kids come out of them, after years of misuse they both begin to deteriorate, overly cautious parents tell their kids to stay away from them, whether they are too hot or too cold they just don’t perform the same, and lastly, whenever anyone sees one, they suddenly have an irresistible urge to ride them. 

 

       Anywho, hope those shafts are warmed up and properly lubricated because a glazed donut hole has each and everyone of your names on it. 

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Game of The Week 

Dallas Big D’s - 82.26

Córdoba Gauchos - 76.08 

 

       A battle of two heavy weights, or so we thought. What had the makings of being an all-time match turned into who’s cum gun was longer than an inch. This game had massive playoff ramifications as the D’s needed this win more than Alex needs close up nudes of Thanos’ purple peen. In the end, as it usually does, the D prevailed and proved that the dick of a Gaucho is nothing more than a bedazzled lasso and no one wants that limp shit. Impressively both of these teams scored less points than our resident bye week team. This close to the playoffs, this is less than ideal. Both teams struggled for different reasons. While Dallas underperformed due to an off week by KC and multiple starters on bye week, Cordoba suffered from the amount of injuries their team has faced in the past couple of weeks. This game was nothing short of a shit show all around. If you have ever seen a monkey exhibit and witnessed these Gene’s I mean primates throw their shit around, then you are well aware of what this matchup entailed. The biggest difference maker in this matchup was the fact that Dallas had 4 players score 10 or more points while Cordoba had just 2. 

 

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The Dick of Flair Award 

Hill Valley Mandelorean - 155.74

 

       Classified as an elephant foot yam, this plant originated in Southeast Asia. It is used over there as an ingredient in many foods such as cuisine, curry and batema. Though as you can see, this is a penis in plant form. More accurately, this is the Rick Flair of phallus shaped foliage. I am as positive as Gene’s AIDS test results that Rick Flair went over to Southeast Asia many years ago and just spread his seed across the land. The shaft of this thing stole a page out of a peacock's playbook and gave itself a nice colorful lion’s mane. If flowers could talk, this one would say “bonjour madmazel” and of course would be talking to himself. Then would face you and say “I’m not a tulip but hot damn I want to get between your two lips”. A cock so beautiful and enticing that it would cause the straightest of men to take a ride. 

 

       Could this be? Am I being punked? Am I going to get to meet Ashton? Why did I wake up this morning with black hairs in my mouth? Is hair in? Is being a tumbleweed of a human being the thing to be nowadays? I find myself with a whole lot of questions this week, boys and girls. This dog shit team has been running through the league the past few weeks. This is the Mandeloreans second high scorer award in just three weeks. Harambe happened like 10 years ago, there is no need to continue this path of vengeance for your fallen brother. 

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The Peter Pepper Award 

Córdoba Gauchos - 76.08 

 

       The actual name of this pepper is the peter pepper. Whoever named this thing one hundred percent knew what they were doing. While Peter finds himself as hot as can be in the looks department, it is the heat that he packs behind his punch that makes individuals scream. These peppers are said to be hotter than jalapenos. Just when you think everything is going right, you get struck down by height supremacists. Peter has never been the biggest pepper, he is actually among the smallest, and this lack of size has left him as unpleasurable as a scavenger hunt for a soap bar on a prison floor. To put it for each of you more straightforwardly, Peter is about as pleasure filled as 76 points. To be even more detailed, Peter is known to cause no feeling whatsoever just like the numbness scoring 10 less points than Michael will cause. Cha feel me now boys and girls? The Gauchos looked like some GaucHoes out there on the field. When 7 players score 5 or less points, it is time to say goodbye to your beloved peter and trade it in for a patrice. That uncircumsized hoodlum ain't fooling anybody with all of that extra skin. Peel back those layers and what appeared to be magic was just a tiny nub hidden in a fleshy wizard sleeve. Just two players scoring more than 2 points Cuervo? What did you turn into a bitch over night? Did the Gauchos get tired of you and begin riding you as a means of travel? Whatever the issue may be, give your peter a talking to and start pecking your way out of this abyss. 

 

 

 

Heath Miller Award 

James Robinson

Projection - 13.5 

Actual - 2.0 

 

       James. What were you doing? I found myself wondering the entire Jaguars game if you were actually playing or not. 2 points? 2 points my guy? Do you need help? Are you okay? Robinson had a game earlier in the season where he got half as many touches as he did on Sunday and way out scored this performance. This was his lowest total of any week all season. The man was as consistent as the beaver on groundhog day all season but decided when his Foreskins needed him most that he would take a trip with Urban to the bar the night before the game. This resulted in him snoozing while both his teams were losing. Just pitiful my man. Have some pride. 

 

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Michael Vick Award 

Jevonta Williams  

Projected - 13.3 

Actual - 26.8 

 

       Jevonta Williams has been showing flashes all season long. Even though he has been splitting carries with Melvin Gordon, he has taken advantage of every time he gets the ball. This past week, due to Gordon being sidelined by an injury, Williams got the most touches of his rookie campaign. He turned that into a tune of 178 total yards of offense and a TD. This kid is no doubt the future of the organization and I for one cannot wait to see what he does moving forward. 

 

Rankings

 

       This week boys and girls I have a theme that is very special for y’all. Which of yall remember the days of playing on playgrounds and jumping in jumpy castles at birthday parties? The days where you throwing a ball to a girl meant you were boyfriend and girlfriend. Well, this week's theme doesn’t really have anything to do with all of that. I guess you could say it is adjacent. This week we look at the biggest fuck ups the kids entertainment space have ever seen with a little input from yours truly. I ask that each of you prepare yourselves as what you are about to witness is all very real. The people who created these attractions took their job very seriously and you should do the same as a reader. Thank you.

 

10. NY Downhill Sliders (4-9)

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To kick things off we have what may look to some of you like a slide, yet this is no slide boys and girls, this is a very real representation of how Tony’s season has gone. Starting so high, feeling like his nipples were eagle’s beaks. Unfortunately those beaks do not equate to wings. And when our sweet fappy bird Tony took the leap of faith, he plummeted to the ground faster than it took him to cum the first time Michael touched his shoulder. I would say, oh how the mighty have fallen, but with a design like that Tony, nor that slide, was ever built for success. This slide looks like the contraption Tony made in his backyard after he was disqualified from the playoffs as a way to try and feel something again. I need an explanation of the thought process behind this slide. The creator is a sick sick individual. It looks as though the builders ran out of material at the end of the job and just had to weld what they had left together in order to keep their 100% finish on time guarantee alive. In other words, this is the Tony of all slides. The man slid himself straight into a pair of broken legs in order to match his all-star first pick of the draft, CMC. His boner though has some non flaccid life in it yet again with his victory last week. A win over the Foreskins is sure to razzle the dazzle of any competitor, especially since Tony has been trying to get his hands on that slippery Foreskin for years. What put the nail in the coffin of this game was the performance out of George Kittle. The man put up 35 bomb. NY also got great performances out of Conner, Gibson and Mongomery. Too bad so sad, none of this matters because this team is a dumpster fire on fire. As they say, sometimes you find something great in trash but at the end of the day, it is and forever will be garbage. 

 

9. Pawnee Swansons (4-9)

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I mean, really? I just really want to have a conversation with the man who is responsible for this equipment. I would say man or woman but c’mon, no woman would ever create this. Like what in the human beastiality centipede is this? Is it the Ferris Wheel of Genes’s dreams? Is it a live look at the cycle of Tony eating Michael’s ass and vice versa? Is it a representation of Gene’s family tree and how they came to reproduce? But no, that can’t be right, mouth to ass can’t give you babies. Come on Dickens! Think! What could this be! Wait! That’s it! It’s Gene’s porn stash in the form of playground equipment. The amount of ass to mouth was a small hint but once I saw that it was a dog and a lizard, it was as clear as day. Gene you freaky devil you, you ass to mouther, you green lizard blue dogger you. I have already inquired and no it is not available for purchase, sorry bud. What you could do Gene is get together with Tony and I am sure he will put his slide building abilities to use and help you construct this. I know you're an overachiever so maybe in this new variation of it, you could carve yourself out a spot where you could join in on the fun. 

 

8. West Coast Avengers (5-8)

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OHHHHH YEAHHHHH DADDDDYYYY!!???!?!?! Is that so Alex? These are your people? The South Pikachoochooers? Really Alex? A Pikachu Vagina? Is this a vagina ring? An inverted penis ring? A front butthole? I just want to know if this thing says Pika Pika everytime someone climbs into it. Like I get the whole “what would it be like to jump around in a massive Picachu, but why does it have to be holding on to it’s dick hole and leaning back in enjoyment like that? Also I just want to point out that a pikachu jumpy house is just a bit dangerous. The amount of electricity that pikachu alone possess is not safe and then you go and add the static shock master that is a jumpy house? Come on. If I wanted to be tazed I’d take a page out of Gene’s playbook from the time he was spanking his monkey in public and got arrested for animal abuse. Back to Alex’s wet dream that South Korea calls a bouncy house, I just know this had the doings of the Avengers manager behind it. I was going to show a live video of people getting in and out but I had to restrain myself as I did not want Alex to become fully aroused. Way to go Al, taking the fun out of it for the rest of the league all because of your infamous anime boners. Just like Alex’s fear boner, his team has been HARD to figure out as well. This team also seems to go back and forth of being up and down, up and down, just as Alex’s dickachu does. The similarities are scary folks. Fuck I should not have said scary, Alex is probably hard again right now. Damnit. Put that thing away right now mister! The story of this team has just been one of players not living up to their potential. CEH, Dalvin and Hopkins were all out multiple weeks at some point of this season. Julio is looking more washed than one of Mr. Miyagi’s cars during a training session. It has been sad to see and not something you wish on anyone. This team took on the form of the depicted pikachu above and spread those legs, opened up all their holes, and allowed anyone who wants to come within. Condolence air high five bro? (You better do it because you bet your ass I just did.) 

 

7. Hill Valley Mandelorean (5-8)

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       Another playground structure brought to you by South Korea. I don’t even know if I want to know what is going on here. There is no amount of explanation that could make me think any part of this is okay. What I can understand though is how similar the boy leading the head ass train looks to our very own Eugene. I gotta say too, that apart from the unhairy nature of the belly, lips, face, eyeballs, and hands, they nailed the look. The belly and pink shoes really brought the look together to best represent you my guy. More importantly though, Eugene, why are you making these children go neck deep into each other's poop shooters while you watch? Also why is the kid in the back actively pulling his pants down making room for the next child to join? Is that a poop stain as well creeping up that childs ass? I am truly at a loss for words. How a child is supposed to play on this I have absolutely no clue. Gene I will give you money, nay, I will not make you do the loser punishment if it happens to fall on your lap if you go to South Korea and show us how you use this. You have been on fire lately though my guy and I am not talking about the usual fire you feel in the rug region. Your team has actually been taking the field and looking like they want to play. Just imagine, just for a second, how bad your team would be without Kupp and Taylor. You would be battling with Michael in a bout of who is more of a bye week. You did score the most points this week but listen, your defense put up 18. So suck down a snickers, sit on a dick, and chill the fuck out. If I thought you had an actual chance of making the playoffs I might give a more detailed run down of your team but it seems your team is getting lucky at the wrong time. When that fortune teller told you that riding a witch’s broom would give you good luck, he was not referring to back-alley bill’s dick. 

 

6. Baja Golden Piranhas (9-4)

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       Has anyone ever seen the movie teeth? If you haven't, this picture here is a very good representation of the movie. Though the teeth above are nowhere near sharp enough, it would take some serious gnawing to bite a dick off with those rounded chompers. The toenails of this mouth vagina geodude are a better representation of the teeth in teeth, they might have been a hibachi knife with how they were cutting through man meat like butter. You will be hearing me say this a lot while you read through these ranking, what the fuck what the creator of this thinking? Even more confusing, what was the person who was choosing the perfect slide to attract people to their business saw this one and was like “yes, I must have it, I need that. Does that jayjelly have teeth? Yup. Take my fucking money.” Also why do the knees/legs look like beach balls? Was this a throw away monster for the Monsters Inc. franchise?  I’ll tell you what. If that thing crawled out of my bed and spooked me while I was sleeping I would no doubt get a fear boner and once it left I would 100% jerk off. Whether that was due to this creature turning me on or me not being able to sleep on hard wood is up for interpretation. Speaking of teeth, the Piranhas have been chomping and chomping and chomping. So much so that they find themselves in first place in their division. To be completely honest with you though, I am not sure what to make of this team. They have only scored over 110 points in two of their last six games. They are winning but the nature of the wins is one that shows impotent competitors rather than potent play from the Piranhas. What I do know is that their favorite child activity to take part in is a good old fashioned slip n slide. Though in this case when I say old fashioned, I mean instead of water they use piss. After months of storing their pee, the team meets before the beginning of the season for their annual Shower Hour. They wished it could last longer but the amount of pee needed for a slip n slide is a shit ton. The boys got so oiled up last year that I heard they were done sliding after 25 minutes. An inside source told me that they sing a secret song while sliding. I will now disclose this information to you. The song goes 

 

“Ohh tinkle smells, tinkle smells

Tinkle all the way 

Oh what fun it is to slide

On our teammates skin flute spray”

 

       Pretty catchy if you ask me. Almost as catchy as Ekler has been this year. He is RB 2 and is averaging five catches a game. This man has been the cock in the stone for this team all season long. In some very not good news though, Zach has picked up Matt Ryan. This offense alone was as close as could be to dropping this team to last place. This is the type of team that could put 200 points or put up 50. My analysis of all of this is that the team got a little to method with their pre game rituals of booming their dicks to each other's foreheads and busting a shower of gold on eachother and took this boom/bust approach with them onto the field. 

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5. Córdoba Gauchos (7-6)

 

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       Now is this donald duck lying back for a good blowie or is he trying to suck his own weiner? I assume only the creator knows the answer to that. He also no doubtedly knows the reason why he has positioned this water fowl in formal attire to be licking the downstairs of any toddler that rides him. The positioning of Uncle Donald is baffling. What the actual fuck. Never have I seen anything more provocative in your face before. Come on kids, get on, let me lick your laps. My man Donny is full spread eagle, ready to risk it all. The man is looking like he pays you to ride him. What is it that the rider even holds onto? Do they hold his head or ears? Wrap their arms around so their crotch is a little closer to his mouth? No no no Donald, when did you get down this bad broski? Don looks like he is in trying to give himself a self asshole examination. He could have gotten this technique from the Gauchos. As history told us, after a long ride, the Gauchos would lay on their back in a fetal position and check to see how bad their swelling is. The Gauchos actually took us back to the hallowed ground of the sacred broke back mountain where they first began this post ride ritual by putting up less than 80 points this week. Injuries have done a number on this team. Zeke (isn’t hurt but we are just going to go ahead and throw him on that list), Swift, Thelin, Samuel, and Juju have all missed time this year. This team if fully healthy is that of legend but in their current state they look like a kid on crutches all jacked up on mountain dew. Herbert and Kelce are going to need to have some huge games in the playoffs with how beat up this team is. Other than that the Gauchos are going to need some massive performances out of Chrysler level guys if they hope to find themselves 6 inches deep in a boot at the end of a season. 

 

4. Dallas Big D’s (6-7)

 

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       No, that is not a hot dog or a dick shaped tentacle of a giant octopussy. That is a mammoth cock from the prehistoric age. This thing dates back to when things that roamed the earth hairier than Gene weren’t yet extinct. After years of fossilization it is now considered to be an igneous rock formation. You can tell the age of this spectacular fossil by counting the number of crabs that are attached. It is now used as a playground amusement for young kids. I for one am all for it, the last time this king schlong had kids coursing through its veins was tens of thousands of years ago. My only question is what would this dick have looked like when it was fully hard? I imagine it would have surpassed the gargantuan length of the famed blue whale’s hanging fin. When Moby was named, this, this was the dick he was referring to. I am just sitting here imagining how big the set of boobs would have to be that would be the proper proportion to take this cockasaurus boating. What a thing that would be. I would want to sleep on them. Give them a good cuddle. Maybe do a little sleeping on top of a fence maneuver of sleeping with the post in your mouth and replace it with the nipperamus. Also, the man who created this penis climbing rock needs to be put in jail. No excuses for this one. I would not condone any child to climb on this thing. Apart from the idea of the penis shape, this thing is just straight up dangerous. A tumble from the top rope is sure to have a visit to the hospital to be in order. The only logical explanation for all of this is that this was the original mascot of Dallas’ team but when presented it, the team spat on it as it was far too small. So they shipped it off, planted it in a park and drilled some handles into it. Dallas then commissioned them to build another statue but this time, ten times larger. This past week when a lot was asked of this bye ridden team, they stepped up in a major way. Despite putting up not very many points, through defense and intimidation, they had the Gauchos shitting themselves all the way back to Cordoba. This team, despite being down Derrick Henry, has all the pieces. They get three starters back this week so it should be a good tune up game for them as the playoffs quickly approach. The biggest keys to success for this team are Pollard continuing to get consistent touches, KC offense having big weeks, AJ Brown hitting a late season stride and Melvin Gordon getting the goal line touches. While all are very doable, if all of this is to happen, this team should have strong showing come two weeks. 

 

3. Atlanta Chokers (9-4)

 

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       While some may look at this image and see a slide, all I see is a Yassine on the right, and Joe Mixon on the left. And as you can see, Yassine is absolutely going to town on this man’s asshole. We are talking mixoning that salad like a true artisan chef who went to 8 years of schooling only to work as the head salad chef at the second best cuisine in Europe.  I’ll tell you right now, that salad is going to be delicious, if you’re into that kind of thing of course, or if you have an undying love for that premixed salad. In all seriousness though, or shall I say in the same amount of seriousness, what is this that is going on? I get that it resembles a slide but also, like how does it work? Say the beluga salad is the stairs, do the kids have to climb over the wall to go up it? Though slides are not usually done by going ass backwards, so in that case, the child would climb up the dolphin mixer and then slide down into the belly of Mark Twain? If that is the case, I have even more questions. First off, how? The angle of that slide must be straight down which would have it an ass blaster and not an ass mixer, and if that is not the case and it has a gradual decline, the kid is undoubtedly going to bonk their head on the top of that “tunnel”. Anyway you look at this, it doesn’t quite make sense. Why do you make a slide that looks like this? When in doubt, ass up I guess. Yassine brings on the hate and while you do that, take the dick out of your mouth so I can actually understand what you are saying over the hilarity that is spiked hair, wife beater mirror pics. I understand that you think you are ranked number one. This though is just not the case. I mean you put up a measly 135 points, get over yourself. Goedert thrived for once and outscored his previous season high total by 2.5 times. I just do not see that happening again. One of your RBs getting zero points on the other hand, that I could see repeating. One of the major reasons you stayed in third is because of the wear and tear that your players are beginning to show in the later parts of this season. On Sunday we witnessed both Joe Mixon and Chris Godwin narrowly escaping season ending injuries. If either of these guys were to go down or anyone on your team, it would be catastrophic. Your bench is one of throw-aways. Your lack of depth and clear visual wear of your starters is why I just cannot put you any higher. 

 

2. Washington Foreskins (8-5)

 

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       This one most certainly takes the cakes of “what the fuck is actually going on?” This one just doesn't even make sense for so many reasons. What is there to even do when you get inside of this thing? It looks like it is no more than three or four feet tall. Next, it looks as though this pizza man is standing in the middle of the pizza. If that is the case, first off, did he cut a hole in the pizza and slide himself in once it was completed or did he go full honey baked ham and roast in the oven with it? Secondly, if this pizza man is in the pizza. Whereabouts is his pepperoni? Or sausage if you will. Like do kids crawl in and just hang out around this man’s crotch? What I do know is with all of this seeming to be how it is, that pizza is going to have one stuffed crust and much more meat than the customer intended. Lastly I just want to know what the fuck is that thing that the children crawl through? Aside from it looking like Gene’s breakfast, (AKA a meat lovers pie, hold the bread, sauce and cheese) I have never, never, not even a single time, seen a za that has a dick clit. Is it that every pizza I have ever eaten was not erect? Maybe all of these years I have been so caught up with how appetizing the pizza that I haven't once stopped to think about how I look to the pizza. Whatever may be the case, I will not stand by this boner canal thrusting out of the pizza. It is despicable. Wait! No! It couldn't be! We have a real life light bulb boys and girls. What if….. That is the pizza man's penis. This is… That’s just….. No, it can’t be. Can it? If that is the case this man causes a serious problem. I mean it looks like he can shit out of his dick. That penis hole is about a thousand times too big. I doubt he gets a single drop in urinals and is a sit down pee’er. I mean that thing looks like he can open and close it.. When this man goes to an arcade he doesn't even use the claw provided, he brings his own. He doesn't even need his hands when he plays the guitar either, he just whips his dick out and gets to shredding. Must be easy for him with two built in picks. I should stop there. As you can see, the amount of issues with this are countless. This Foreskin’s team thought they could spice up the za this past weekend by stuffing their Gardner Minshew shaped meat into its crust to shove it in Tony’s face that he has a small weiner and boy did that backfire. This could have been a devastating call for this team. The loss made it so Zach took over the first place in the division. This team really needs a win this week and a loss by Zach to get the first round bye as they have outscored him by 100 points thus far in the season. This is easier said than done though as the Foreskins face an on fire Tropics team. Though with the loss being said, the Foreskins look to be in great shape. They are one point away from being the second highest scoring team in the league and have consistently put up points all season. They have extremely strong starters and high calibur backups at all positions if anything unfortunate is to come their way. With Kyler being back, it will end the streak of this team playing a different QB each week for the last four Sundays and boy oh boy is that massive. This team is looking as healthy as can be late in the season and you can’t beat that. 

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1. Flint Tropics (7-6)

 

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       Last but not least, I bring you the creme de la creme or as they call it in Ukraine, the Taco Tumble. This takes the cake without a doubt as the most egregiously shaped anything the world has ever seen. I would make a joke about pirate’s booty but no, no way, that is a set of meat curtains any day of the week and a tight one at that. Look at how the kids are using all of their might to squeeze on out of there. That is one bat cave that is not prepared to house children yet. The man who created this had to have known what he was doing. Again I say man because there is zero chance that a woman had anything to do with this. As for the man who did create this, I guarantee once it went into production, his lips have been locked. There is no way he wants to be remembered as the pirate vagina slide guy. Just look at how he oh so carefully carved out that stench trench. Uncle Joe paid some of us cousins a hundred dollars to sniff a trash can that had had dead fish in it for multiple days when we were younger and I can only assume that this slide smells the same if not worse. The one thing that this slide has going for it is that even with the amount of intruders throughout the years, it has kept its roast beef very well tucked. As the saying goes, “it’s a pirate's life for me” and if that is the case, I hope some of these kids over the years have been fortunate enough to find some of that carnal treasure. What once laid as a dormant inner thigh canal, has quickly become the beautiful vacation destination that we know as the Tropics. Mark has sprouted from this sea of tranquility a man’s man. I assume he has had trouble walking the past few weeks with how large his aardvark has grown to. After starting the season 1-6, Mark has now won 6 in a row and thrusted his native palm trees into the playoffs. What a season it has been for him and what a team the Tropics have turned into. This team is as complete as they come. They have the starters and the backups with only one decision to make each week and that is their second flex position. Different from other teams who have to pick from middle of the mall guys, the Tropics have to pick from four tier 1 and 2 guys. The biggest worry with this team is Kamara and Mithcell staying healthy. If they do, this team is gonna be slappin come boot season.