The Magic of Sports (Part 2)
Whaddup all you back alley knob attendants, it’s your boy kylermurraylover6969 back again for another week of delicious power rankings. This season is off to easily the wildest start yet. We are through the first two weeks of the season and we have 5 games already decided by less than 5 points. Tony had scored the second least amount of points in the league while having the most points scored against him. No surprise here but this to me just cements the fact that he loves himself some double penetration. That man is getting railed from every angle and nothing in the world could be more right. Once again multiple games came down to the Monday night showdown and it did not disappoint. The hardness of cocks was tested across the board and as always, the true excaliburs came out on top.
This week is all about sports. Quite possibly the greatest things ever invented aside of course from cheese balls, Dr. Pepper TEN, assless chaps, 4chan, and a nice coors light boasting some blue rockies. Scientists have traced sports back to ancient times and has been confirmed as the source of the first erection. Let's get into it.
(I really do apologize for being a bit late this week. A sickness hit me like the Titanic hit that iceberg and was out of commission for a couple of days. I did my best to entertain but know it is not the full length I usually go at. Which if you ask any of my past flings, they will assure you, is 2 inches on the best of days.)
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Game Of The Week
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Pawnee Swansons 116.56
Hill Valley Mandelorean - 117
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Yet again, we find ourselves in week two of the season having many close games. The matchup between the Swanson’s and the Mandelorean’s was the bell of the ball though. Going into the Monday night game, the Mandelorean’s were down just over 26 points with only Rodgers left to play. After his week one struggles, the Swanson’s seemed to have this in the bag. Rodgers took the field like a crackhead fresh off of giving a toothless back alley blowjob to score himself some crack. HE put up 26.8 points and the rest is history. So far this season, Michael’s total margin between himself and his opponent is a combined .8 points. Absolutely bonkers if you ask me. Gene, despite having a chode of a performance from every player on his team besides Rodgers and Kupp was able to pull out the victory.
The U.S. Women’s Legs Are Always Open Championship Trophy
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Baja Golden Piranhas - 163.28
Zach took all of his preseason woes and shoved a lubed up jellyfish right into the leagues dolphin holes. I have been told that he has in fact dedicated the victory to the tots and has not promised, but already written a check for each of their college tuitions. What a stand up guy. The Golden Piranhas were firing on all cylinders last week scoring 163 points. impressively, they did this in a week where their starting TE put up a training bra esk 1.3 points. This team is looking very good as they head into a tough matchup with the Chokers.
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MVP Award (More Viagra Please)
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Scottsdale Tots - 109.68
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Oh boy oh boy, how the shitty have become more shitty. First pick in the draft, who gives a titty? Top 3 tight end, irrelevant. Tony has comprised one of those teams that on paper looks like an Italian dream, no not a Ferrari, but Giulio Berruti. Instead, they perform like an American snotty nose, no not a Ford Pinto, but Pauly Shore. Tony took the field and that is just about all he did. I had this team high at the beginning of the season, but it appears as though my head was lost inside of my own asshole to see what was to come. The Tots should take a page out of this week's award and juice themselves up a little. It is never a bad thing to admit when you have a problem. What is a bad thing is going on in life acting as if things are all good. We are here to support you buddy.
So I just realized that Mark in fact scored the lowest number of points last week but I am just going to go ahead and say oops, who gives a poops, Tony is the winner of my award either way.
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Honorable Mentions
Car Curling
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Russian’s have given the world many great things including literary classics, ballet, opera, big titty blonde women that know how to fight (more on that later), and of course vodka. They have since gone into their bag of tricks and given us the best present yet, car curling. The game is played with Soviet-era cars known as Okas weighing in at around 1,500 pounds. While the rules are very similar to curling in terms of points, the technique, as you can all imagine, is quite different. A person sits in the driver's seat and does their best to steer the car in the right direction on the slippery ice. The game was actually invented 4 years ago after a man witnessed multiple crashes on an icy day. Even more research into the sport and I have discovered that the man who invented the game owns one of the largest insurance companies in Russia and did so in hopes of shining light on the need for insurance. Ain't that beautiful. I have also discovered that the currency in Russia is called rubles. The prize for the winning team is 100,000 rubles. ($1,800)
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Indonesian Fireball
Take your classic game of futbol, drink a few redneck breakfasts, brainstorm, and then you find yourself creating the game of fireball. To welcome the month of Ramadan, men in Indonesia kick the festivities off with a nice friendly game of Fireball. The rules are the same as soccer with a very small twist, the ball is on fire. I imagine this would be a game that Tony would excel in with all of his experience with fiery balls. Back to fireball though, the ball is made from a coconut soaked in kerosene. The most usual method is done by soaking the coconut in the kerosene for a week leading up to the games. The players take part in a ritual before kickoff where they rub salt and non-flammable spices. Seems to me like this takes all the danger out of the game. Throw a few spices on yourself and you’ll be fine. They also say a prayer which they believe will make them impervious to fire. (I can get a copy of the prayer for you if you would like Tony.) It is a game of testing courage, as the players must play with bare feet.
Hobbyhorsing
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Quite possibly the greatest discovery I have ever made in my life boys and girls. What you are witnessing above is a sport native to Finland known as Hobbyhorsing. It is in fact classified as a real sport with a cock numbing 10,000 fans in Finland. The competition involves girls between the ages of 10 and 18 riding horses made of wood, similar to riding a broom I guess, (I don't know, this is all so stunning I'm honestly having trouble writing) where they will compete in various tests of stunts. Contestants are scored based on gait movements, running style, presentation of their horse, energy, impulse, and pleasure shown during the event. The competition includes all of the same events in your classic Dressage. Also known as real horse riding competitions. The only difference being, and this is straight from Hobby Horsing’s official website, “there are no real horses included.” There are three classes of participants including beginners, intermediate, and advanced. To be completely honest, I have no idea what class the gifs above would be. So you can make your own assumptions. Apparently to be in the advanced class, the player must be a pro in all 12 different movements including zigzags, jumping, prancing, pirouette and tempo change. Again, all of this is done while on two feet, with a wooden horse between your legs. The rules of competition are as follows: Good running shoes are required for all participants, participants must have a presentable horse, no drugs or alcohol on site grounds, no pets are allowed (stupidly ironic), and lastly all participants must wear a helmet for safety.
Ultimate Tazer Ball
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This is a sport I never thought in all my years that I would be reporting on. This shit is absolutely bonkers. The link above will give you a good idea of what it is all about. Essentially this sport is the child of rugby and soccer with the addition of giving all players tasers to be used whenever they would like. I cannot confirm this, but I have interviewed a source very close to the organization and he told me that players would often go out and harass police officers in order to prepare themselves for matches. I can confirm that the sport was started back in 2010 when two individuals brought 20 guys out to California for an all-expenses-paid trip with the opportunity to try out a new sport along with a 500$ check. The gentlemen were not told what the sport was going to be until right before the first match once they signed a contract and nondisclosure agreement. So as you can imagine, they were a bit shocked (no pun intended) when they showed up and were given tasers before taking the field. During the first match, after being told that the winning team would get a cash prize, many of the players were quoted saying “by no means was any part of this enjoyable”, and instead of continuing to compete, all players decided to not and just split the prize money. (None of this is bullshit by the way, this all actually happened.) They began to recruit more players that enjoyed having the mcgibblets shocked out of them and the sport began to grow. The tazers were known to cause cramps upon contact with other players but I have read they did not affect any cardiovascular system in any way. Super positive thinking there if you ask me. Players were pretty much always in the dark as the sport never really had a true set of rules. Rules would vary both during matches and from match to match. One rule though that I did read that stayed consistent was players are not allowed to taser other players in the nether lands. Don’t forget as well that aside from the tazers, the sport was full contact with no pads. Basically anything was legal. The sport was very much like a startup and the players and owners did everything they could to try and get the sport televised and in front of a much wider audience. It really is a wonder why they didn’t gain more traction.
Rankings
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10. Scottsdale Tots (0-2) ↑4
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Shin Kicking
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Most modern day sports involve athleticism, strength, coordination, and years of preparation. This English sport on the other hand, is just a bit outside of all of those things. Welcome to the sport of Shin Kicking. Described by a competitor speaking about the sport, he said “It is essentially an Old English martial art.” I guess we just have to take his word in it. The sport consists of two competitors facing one another with their arms on each other's shoulders. The goal is to kick your opponent in the shins until they give up. The winner must prove that he can take pain as well as dish it out. I figured with how much pain Tony has taken thus far into the season, this would be a perfect sport for his team. Not to mention I am positive that after last week's performance, Tony went into his garage and played this game with himself. This team smells of rotten cheese and Lambeau Field and as we all know, are abysmal. Perhaps Tony has taken his fantasy talents and put them towards arguing to have special teams removed from the league. Perhaps he was never good in the first place. Perhaps eight weeks from now I will be eating all of this and regretting ever putting him last. Only time will tell. CMC is clearly worth the first pick of every draft and Mike Evans had a really good bounce back week. This team is one that looks really good on paper and so it is hard to imagine them staying near the bottom for long. On the other hand though he has scored the second least amount of points in the league through two weeks and that is just pitiful. Who do you think you are Tony? The 2018 Megalodons? Get a hold of yourself.
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9. Flint Tropics (0-2) ↓1
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The Ear Pull
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Here we are once again with a sport involving who can endure pain. The Ear Pull was invented back long ago by the Native Americans. Two competitors sit facing each other, their legs straddled and interlocked. A two-foot-long loop of string, similar to a thick, waxed dental floss, is looped behind their ears, connecting right ear to right ear, or left to left. The competitors then pull upon the opposing ear using their own ear until the cord comes free or one player quits from the pain. This sort of pain these competitors have felt is similar to what Mark has been feeling thus far in the season. I will be honest, I was hesitant to put Mark this high up until this point as he always seems to have an eye for things that are magical. Two weeks in though and this team is performing how I had originally predicted. The Tropics have fantastic starting WRs but besides that there are so many questions and concerns. Josh Allen is not looking like himself from last season, Jevonta Williams is splitting carries with Melvin Gordon, The 49ers backfield is a complete mystery, and after a polar opposite week 1 and 2 it is hard to gauge what Kamara will do the rest of the season. I will say that this team has all of the pieces for an elite squad in future seasons, but for now might be looking like it is in damage control mode.
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8. Hill Valley Mandeloreans (1-1)
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Blind Soccer
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The Name of this sport pretty much speaks for itself. Never did I ever think something like this would exist, but alas, we are here. Blind soccer is played by both blind and blind folded individuals. You may be asking yourself how this could even be possible. The answer to that is that the ball has a bell inside of it. You gotta have some balls to play goalie though as they are too blindfolded. I cannot imagine how many times they have taken a ball to their wrinkle purse. That way players can tell where it is at all times. The speed of the game is slower than normal soccer but is higher than you would expect. Shin guards as you could guess are required. I will say I am sorry though Gene, as I checked and the league does not allow bigfoots. I even appealed the submission and was keen to explain how the hair from your eyebrows was basically a natural blindfold but they would not budge. As for your team though my man, things are not looking too hot. Your team has scored 199 points through two weeks putting you as the lowest scoring team of the season thus far. You squeezed out the win this week by the hair on your palms and if it wasn't for Kupp having a career game, you would have scored less than 100 points for two consecutive weeks. I bet you regret picking up Aiyuk don't you bud and Robinson looked to be a black mamba of a handcuff but is not panning out what so ever. Including your bench, you had 3 players score above 9.6 points. Perhaps fantasy blind soccer would be better for your skill sets.
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7. Pawnee Swansons (1-1) ↓1
Bo-taoshi
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What looks to be a 300 man brawl is actually the sport of Bo-taoshi. Believed to have originated in Japanese military cadets in the 1940s, Bo-taoshi consists of two 150 player teams. Teams are split into offense and defensive players, 75 players in each. The goal of offensive players is to take down the other team's wooden poll while defensive players protect their team's pole from their opponents attackers. It is a race to see who can take down the other team's pole first. Each team has a designated ninja who is tasked with staying on top of the pole and kicking any attackers in the face when they come too close. The game involves very much strategy as each player on offense and defense have different roles. Just when the Swanson’s defense looked to be holding strong, Aaron Rodgers dashed in and took down their wooden pole single handedly. Pawnee has been in two heaters to start the season. Easily the closest back to back games I have ever seen a team have. The biggest thing with this team is the question mark surrounding Saquon. If he is able to get back to his 2019 ways, this could be a very good team. Mike Williams and David Montgomery are proving to be great additions to his team with no signs of slowing down.
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6. Washington Foreskins (1-1) ↑1
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Death Diving
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Extreme belly flopping, also known as death diving, is an extreme sport based in Norway. Competitors jump from a 30-40 foot high ledge and the goal is to keep you pose for as long as possible. The winner will be decided by both the length of the pose being held as well as the creativity of the pose. The sport is well known to cause injury, who could have guessed? There is in fact a World Championship for the sport and people travel from all over Europe to see these death divers. I’ll tell y’all what, I would not want to see what these divers' foreskins look like after a full day's work. The foreskins that I wouldn't mind staring at for hours and hours and in fact welcome it, are the ones from Washington. In a year where this team chose to plan for the future, they are looking great through two seasons. After a heartbreaking .3 point loss in week one, they bounced back with a 25 point win. The rookie tandem of Najee Harris and Kyle Pitts seem to be finding their stride, Kyler Murray is thrashing every defense he faces and CeeDeez nuts Lamb is proving his 3rd round pick was worth it. If Darrell Henderson can remain healthy, this team should continue to put up consistent points.
5. Baja Golden Piranhas (2-0) ↓2
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Human Tower
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Catalonia is known for its sea-side markets, gothic architecture, sparkling white champagne, and their annual human tower competition. Catalonians view the competition as a symbol of their country as well as a symbol of togetherness. There are currently 70 teams in the sport. The goal is to build a human tower the highest. The tower is not complete though until a child, yes a child, climbs to the top and raises their arms. If this is not done, the tower will not be accepted. Apparently the group of individuals at the bottom of the structure are labeled as the human safety net and are there to cushion any falls that may occur. I don't know how they get elected to this position but that cannot be the most fun place to be. Talking about structures resembling that of a massive dick, Zach’s team has bounced back from his preseason misfortunes in a major way. The two headed dragon of Jones and Ekeler are in mid season form and have the firepower to win games for this team. These players paired with the Piranha’s WR duo of McLaurin and Moore give the team a great floor at the start of any week.
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4. Dallas Big Ds (0-2) ↑2
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Booty Slapping
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Russian’s man, what a wild group of individuals. Their newest addition to great things that they have introduced the world to is female boot slapping world championships. In response to the slapping competitions that men do where they slap each other in the face, the women of Russia now have a competition of their own where they can smack the absolute living shit out of eachothers asses. The goal of the sport is to slap the others but so hard that they either back out due to pain or because they lose their balance. There is no clear prize for the winner but I was informed that the winner was given a gift bag, what layed inside, not really sure. After putting together a disguise, my only question is how do I sign up? Now for the Big D’s. Who would have thought that this team would be 0-2 to start the season. They have scored the second most points through two weeks but unfortunately have had the second most points against. Dallas could not catch a break Sunday as the Avenger’s players put up point after point after point. A 45 point week from Derrick Henry was not even close to enough to help this team. I see this team turning things around very quickly and am sure they are licking their chops with an upcoming matchup with a struggling Tropics team.
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3. Atlanta Chokers (2-0) ↑2
Buzkashi
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Brought to you from Persia, Buzkashi can be translated into “goat grabbing”. This sport has been around since the 10th century. The fierce game sees players on horseback fight for the possession of a goat or calf carcass. Before the game, the carcass is beheaded and soaked in water for 24 hours to ensure that it stays in one piece. The carcass is placed in the middle of the arena before horsemen race to grab the carcass in order to gain possession and keep possession for as long as they can. Not too surprising to hear that Buzkashi is actually the national sport of Afghanistan. A rider is awarded by throwing the carcass into the scoring circle. The game is played in two 45 minute halves while each team is able to have 5 players on the field at all times. The players do have whips and are able to do pretty much anything they would like to obtain the carcass from opponents. It's basically a no holds bar match, while riding horses, with the goal of obtaining a goat carcass. Pretty much your everyday run in the mill sport. Nothing too crazy to report here. In other news, something that some of you might find very crazy, is the Chokers being knocked down a few pegs. This might come with much scrutiny, but I stand by what I have seen. Mixon is back to his 7 point self, Sanders is back to his 6 point self, and it is clear that Waller cannot get 20 targets a week. What looks to be a strong set of starters is backed up by some not so good players on the bench as well. Adams is back to catching his usual number of balls but I see much inconsistency between his other WR and FLEX positions.
2. West Coast Avengers (2-0) ↓2
Calcio Storico
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This here is a fun one gents. Calcio Storico has been dubbed Italy’s most dangerous tradition. It is essentially a combination of MMA and rugby. There is a ball involved, but from the research I have done, 99% of the game is beating the shit out of your opponents. Two 27 player teams face off to try and get the ball into the opponent's net. Though it has been reported that many of the players still are unsure of the rules and show up merely because there are no rules when it comes to the fighting. The game lasts 50 minutes and there are no timeouts or breaks as well as no substitutions. If a player is too injured to continue they are not allowed to send another player onto the field. I would be curious to know how many players actually finish the game on average. I have watched about an hour of footage at this point and let me tell you, dudes get fucked the fuck up. No players are paid as it is merely a “hey I want to go beat the shit out of some dudes” sort of sport. I also want to know what a practice for this sport looks like. Beating the shit out of opponents is something that comes natural to the Avengers as well. Not only have we come to know this from their appearances on the big screen, but their performance on the field this season as well. This team is hot hot hot. With the emergence of Lockett, Gronk, Julio and Cooks, this team has insane potential this season. If CEH is able to get over his early season struggles I see this team continuing its reign as the most dangerous team.
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1. Córdoba Gauchos (1-1) ↓2
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Chess Boxing
Tired of just seeing dudes beat the shit out of each other and have always wished that you could see them battle with their smarts? Boy do I have the sport for you. Chess boxing is 11 rounds of genius. 6 rounds of chess and 5 rounds of boxing both lasting 3 minutes. Each round the fighters will switch between punching each other and playing chess. The winner is decided by either a knockout or a checkmate. The chess is done in speed chess style in order for the fighters to not be able to stall. If after 11 rounds there is no victor, the winner will be chosen on boxing points. This sport is not open to everyone though, as you must have a chess rating of at least 1,800 to compete. A man I could see competing in this sport is the Gaucho himself, Mr. Cuervo. This ranking might raise (or deflate) a few boners but as I said earlier, I stand by my system. Theilen and Deebo are looking like freshly baked butter rolls and Kelce could be putting together his best year to date. Herbert has had a slow start to the season but I do not see this continuing for much longer. This team is stacked, there is no other way to put it. Stacked like a 400 pound man's plate on all you can eat pancake day at IHOP. I know he just lost to Yassine but I truly believe it was a fluke. That is all. All complaints will be tentatively listened to followed by a big middle finger and perhaps a half chub helicopter.