Anita
Welcome back boys and girls. It’s ya boi Mr. Tony Blows back at it with some thingamajigs straight from the orangutans teet that are sure to wet your peters. Crack dab at the end of week two and Tony is a mere pinky toe of a man. In his latest efforts to improve his team he has copied my own personal strategy from last year by changing his name to a mascot with sleeping in it. Real original my guy, wonder where you could have possibly gotten the idea? The only difference he made was adding Giants to the end of it. I can only imagine that the reason is the same as when guys lift their already oversized pickup trucks, overcompensating for a small weiner. What a time to be alive. Tony is 0-3, and the family who gave us the beloved Charlie bit my finger video has sold the rights to the video in NFT form for a payday to the tune of $800,000. We live in a day and age where a toddler biting the finger of another results in worldwide fame and millions of dollars. I checked to see if Tony going 0-3 grants any sort of recognition in the viral community and they got back to me and the verdict is; no one gives a fuck. What they did get back to me on though that would be highly likely to go viral is a video of Tony reenacting one man one jar. (Just a little disclaimer, if you have not seen this video, do not go looking for it, it is something you can never unsee and something no one should ever see. Seriously, I cannot stress this enough. Do not go watch it. (Editor's Note: Seriously DO NOT watch this, it involves a glass jar and a dudes ass hole. DON’T. -Joe)
This week, with the theme being anything viral, I thought that I would share with y’all the story of the time that I went viral in Scandinavia and was awarded the key to the region. Yes, all of it.
The year was 2010. This was the early days of the sensation, ‘going viral’. Where any regular dandy could become a household name all because of a 15 second clip. I had just finished up my year shadowing and aiding Robert California or shall I say Bob Kazamakis in assisting young aspiring gymnasts fulfilling their dreams. The work had been done and I decided to stick around for a few weeks for a few more last memories. One of the things I learned while living there was how the people went absolutely bonkers for coffee. They drank it by the gallon. It was basically like what viagra is to Tony for reference. A few days into my extended stay I decided to go for a cup of java at this quaint hole in the wall shop that had become my favorite place to start my day. One cup down and I am feeling great. Two cups down and my balls feel a tingle. Three cups down and my eyes start to feel alive. Four cups down and I feel like I am undertaker circa any wrestlemania main event. (Omitting of course when he was defeated by Brock Lesner last year. I don’t want to get into it but that shit is so dumb. How are you going to have a man go 30 years without losing and then right before he retires he loses? That writing is about as dumb as Tony’s fantasy IQ or Gene shaving his fingernails knowing damn well he will have a five o’clock shadow on them within 3 hours. I don't even like wrestling anymore but as a fan of the past, that is just not acceptable. Shame on you writer. We need a real life Cercei shaming for that person.) 15 cups later and my hearing has been amplified 1,500 percent. All of a sudden I hear a lynx off in the deep wilderness calling for aid. I quickly grabbed the keys to my motorcycle and exited the coffee shop. I got on my motorcycle and quickly came to the realization that from the sound of it, the lynx was only 45 miles away and at that distance, I could easily run faster than I could ride. So I got to running. Stride after stride the call for help became louder. I came over a ridge in the forest and I saw what the problem was. An aggressive white moose was attempting to deflower this poor lynx with it’s white coated antlers. (Fun fact, the genetic mutation that causes these moosen to have white coats is the same genetic mutation that causes humans to have red hair.) My first thought upon seeing this was “holy shit, that moose is white, there are only 100 hundred white moose known to exist.” So I stood there, jaw on the ground, watching nature take its course. For Luke Skywalker’s sake, it was a white moose. Can you blame me? After about an hour and a deflowering later, I came to from my daze. The white moose had run off after getting his antlers off and the lynx was left curled up on the cold ground. I couldn't leave the lynx like that so I scooped him up into my arms and carried him home for the quick 45 mile sprint. Upon returning to the town I was staying in, my buzz was starting to wear off so I headed back to the coffee shop. I kept the lynx under my coat as I did not want others to see him in the condition he was in. I drank another gaggle of coffees and returned to my apartment. Fast forward two days and I had this lynx, or shall I say Anita Dick, (which I so lovingly named him after the traumatic experience he went through) trained like a police german shepherd. It was a real life movie scenario where a character gains insurmountable experience in as quick of a time as it takes Yassine to check to see if he is number one in the rankings once they are posted. He had become my best friend and life partner and I felt like anything was possible with him at my side. One night I was suddenly awoken by a loud noise. Anita Dick cuddling next to me shivering as if he had just seen a, wait, no, it can’t be, the white moose, it was standing in the doorway to my bedroom. Eyes locked on Anita Dick’s fudge dispenser. I was not about to let it go down again. I was going to make a stand against this 1,500 pound fuckable beast touch my best friend. It was game on and that game was my fighting this white moose in the nude. We charged at one another and as you probably can guess I got throttled. The force of the beast threw me through my third story window and down onto the street. I guess the amount of coffee I had been drinking increased the strength of my bones as I landed on my two feet as if nothing happened. When I look back up to my bedroom window the white moose is dangling Anita Dick out the window by his mouth. As if he was taunting me. I saw the look in his eyes and knew he had hatred in his heart. I dashed across the street in order to catch Anita Dick in case he dropped him. Two steps taken and BAM, I am hit by a drunk local zooming down the road at 100 mph. I layed on the concrete unconscious with 69 broken bones. When I woke I was in the hospital. The nurse came running in shouting “he’s awake, he’s awake!” The room quickly filled with reporters and the show was on. Apparently a man was filming his buddy proposing to his girlfriend on the street when he caught me getting thrown through my window and then hit by the bus. He also got the footage of the white moose attempting murder of my poor baby, Anita Dick. The video was posted online that night and by the time I woke up 16 hours later, the video had 18 million views. It was a national sensation. I was dubbed a hero for saving the life of the lynx and attempting to do it a second time. The Scandinavian government (like the EU except gayer) felt so bad about the whole thing that they awarded me the key to the city. I can now drink as much free coffee as I want in Scandinavia as I never have to pay for a cup again. As for Anita Dick and the white moose, they vanished into the woods to never be seen again. To this day I am still searching every second of every day, besides while writing these rankings, to find that damn white moose. If you see this white moose, I am coming for you.
To be continued...
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Game of The Week
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Atlanta Chokers - 126.94
Baja Golden Piranhas - 121.84
This matchup between heavyweights did not disappoint. Neither team did exceptionally well but they both put up solid numbers. Zach started the week out strong with a 16.5 point performance from DJ Moore and all was looking well. The Golden Piranhas’ double dicker tandem at RB did their thing as usual but in the end it was not enough. The Choker’s Devante Adams put his early season woes to rest and put together a Leonardo Decaprio performance and because of it, this team proved worthy of the revenant title. There really was no major difference maker in this game, both teams had a special team player outscore the other, both had players do well while other did below their projections. All in all it was a heater.
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Hardest Hitting Team In The League Award
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Dallas Big Ds - 144.9
I am proud to announce that this week's power rankings have been sponsored by the epitome of sports game companies, EA Sports. This one is big for me gents, I am not about to throw this opportunity away. I mean if you think about it, it is right of brand with fantasy football. The stars have aligned, the spotlight is on me, and I will not throw up mom’s spaghetti. In all fairness it was meatloaf last night for dinner, BUT YOU GET THE POINT.
And now a message from this week's sponsor…
“This week's power rankings are brought to you by EA Sports. EA is proud to announce their newest video game to their historic collection. Introducing Donut Toss ™ . In hopes of shedding more light onto this sport, EA is making it a videogame first in order to gain traction faster. The sport is a mashup between two classics, horseshoe and cornhole, with a small twist. The sport consists of two athletes going head to head, or tip to tip if you will. The rules are simple, each athlete stands exactly 10 feet apart from the tip of eachother’s boners. Boners? Yes, boners. This aspect of the rules is very important as length varies across the field of athletes. Once athletes are the correct distance apart, the match may begin. Each athlete is given 6 donuts, (yes they are edible for all you glizzy gobblers) that they will attempt to toss on their opponents rabble rouser. As you can imagine, in this contest, longer length can hurt you. The man at the top of the sport, Two-inch Tony, has won the last two world championships. (Also, to let you in on a little secret, that two-inch nickname was only given because One-inch Tony does not start with a T). Along with length, stamina is a major factor in this sport as well. Any player who happens to go flacid during a match will immediately have to forfeit. Players who noodle during their offensive round are allowed, but must return to full mast before their opponent throws. Drug tests will be administered before every tournament as no performance enhancing drugs will be tolerated. This new exciting video game will be available during the holiday season for the low low price of $69.69. It will feature every Donut Toss ™ such as Jolly Rancher Joe, Anaconda Alex, Magnum Mark (also known as Mandingo Mark), Two-inch Tony (also known as TicTac Tony), No Peen Gene (also known as Hairy Peen Gene), Mike n’ Ike Mike, Left Lean Yassine, Thumbtack Zach, Lap Nuke Luke, and Joystick Jonah. Test your Donut Tossing ™ skills and prove to your friends that you have the stronger boner might and better aim.” Thank you again to our sponsors EA Sports.
As for our recipient of this coveted award, the Enormous Jerry Jones’ put up over 130 points for the third consecutive time in the first three games of the season. This team is a lightning rod and Benjamin Franklin with a metal strap-on is the mascot. The addition of Mark Andrews was a massive pickup and a 24.5 point performance from Kareem The Dream made it so this team was unbeatable by any who would have tried. Congrats to Dallas for proving that even a broken leg, or the hardest hitting safety in the league was not going to stop them from scoring the most points this week. Might be a stretch, but maybe you could see if Mahomes would potentially like to be the face of Donut Toss. It would go a long way with the guys at EA and would boost my cred a whole lot.
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The Chocolate Stain Award
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West Coast Avengers - 97.22
Oh boy, after putting up monstrous points the first two weeks of the season and finding themselves ranked number 2 overall, the Avengers put together an Andrew Garfield performance. He ain’t Toby, he will never be Toby. Toby is king always. The Avengers just could not get anything going, similar to Bruce Banner in Infinity War, and upon asking Frozone if he could borrow a super suit, they were sadly turned down. Enough about Alex though, there was in fact another team that put up less than 100 points this week. This other team is no doubt the kind to live life with skid marks in their undies on a daily basis. Hey Tony (Winky face). You've been having trouble wiping lately huh? I looked up dingle berry in the dictionary last night and under the definition was (insert whichever new team name Tony has each week to help up his confidence level). I also went back and watched two girls one cup recently and astonishingly discovered a small detail that I have never seen before. I have watched this video thousands of times and so as you can imagine, I believed I knew every aspect of it, but to my surprise I saw the brand of cup they used, it was in fact a New York Sleeping Giants cup. That is some wild shit, if you know what I mean. I guess those girls knew what brand was going to be able to carry the load of that much shit, and after seeing the start to the season this team is having, it all makes sense.
This week’s theme being everything viral, I have paired the rankings with some of my personal favorite viral videos of all time. There are quite a bit that I always enjoy so there will definitely be a part two in the future. I have included a link to the video and suggest watching each one before you read each team writeup in order to be able to connect the dots on what I'm talking about. As always the video linked with each team is not in ranking numerically, but the one that best captures the essence of that team.
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Rankings
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10. New York Sleeping Giants
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The first viral video of the day and it warms my pickle every time I watch it. It is not the fall that gets me, but the noise this lady makes once she hits the ground. The only thing that I can relate it to is the sound Tony makes every week when he sees his team and feels the need to complain to the league about it. In Tony’s mind he is smashing those grapes as good as one can possibly smash grapes, unfortunately though, we are not a league of smashing grapes, we play fantasy football. No matter the activity though, it seems they will always end in Tony squealing in the same manner as this lady. I mean Tony, you outscored the lowest scoring team by one point. Gotta take the little victories I guess. I have done some extensive research and it turns out that if Tony was playing against the lowest scoring team each week, he would be 3-0. So take that information and digest it anyway you like. Starting Ty’son Williams over Antonio Gibson is mind boggling. As well as playing Devonta Smith over Evans. Like did you check your lineup before the games on Sunday? I will say though that your Kickers name is Gay and that is about as onbrand as it gets. McCaffrey being injured only worsens this teams hopes of winning a game but luckily for them the injury proved to be pretty minor.
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9. Flint Tropics
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Talk about an all time classic. This kid doesn’t have a care in the world and could care less what the reporter is asking. All he wants to get across to the world is that likes turtles. It is so simple, yet so perfect. His demeanor reminds me of this Tropics team. Every time I look at it I find myself going, “huh?”. A starting lineup including Rondale Moore and two Patriots RBs is quite astonishing from Mark who has been a juggernaut of consistency in our league for years. The Tropics do not have the best reserves either. From the looks of it, this team is composed of players that could be massive fantasy names in a few years. Unfortunately Mark will only be allowed to keep four of them and I imagine those four will be Kamara, Diggs, Jefferson and Williams.
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8. Hill Valley Mandelorean
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Cringe at First Kiss | Love at First Kiss
Boys. Boys. I cannot stress enough how happy this man makes me. Never have I ever seen anything quite like him. (I know what y’all are thinking, we have seen someone like him, he is like a less hairy gene.) I could watch this man Josh all day every day. I would watch 25 seasons of a show that just followed his life. Like what does this man do in his free time? Does he have friends? If so, what are they like? So many questions and the only info that I can find on the man is that he graduated from the University of Washington. If Gene was a man, Josh is what I imagine he would be like. Fortunately for Josh’s sake, he seems to have 18 friends just like him on Gene’s roster. The trade for Chase Edmonds is too early to say whether or not it was a good move or not and the AJ Brown injury is a bit worrisome for the Josh’s, I mean Mandelorean’s. In good news, Aiyuk has a nice bounce back game but will Gene have faith in him that he can do it again. What is really carrying this team is the dynamic powerhouse duo of Kupp and Metcalf. Allen Robinson thus far has been a dud with the Nagy curse looking over his head. This team has a lot of potential but the majority of their players need to get their shit together if they want any hope of making the playoffs.
Also incase any of you were wondering what happened to pour Gene, I mean Josh, fuck, I dont know why I keep doing that. I have attached a video below.
Novice Kisser Josh Finally Has a Successful Kiss
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7. Pawnee Swansons
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Bloopers: Baked In A Buttery Flaky Crust | "Buttery Flaky Outtakes" | Dysart's | Bangor, ME
If this video doesn’t give you a visit from the feel good / giggle monster, you might be a redneck. I truly adore this video and cannot tell you how many times I have watched it. The dynamic between these two is what dreams are made of. This video is as gold as it gets. This Swansons team is similar to the fact that they too have stuttered and fumbled their way to victory each week. The first two weeks of the season were decided by .6 points total and this week he had a not so great week but was still able to win because he was going against the layup of our league, Tony. Saquan had his first good game of the season and will look to build on that moving forward and Clavin Ridley, despite the shittiness of the Falcons, seems to be a solid WR1. Looks like it is time to sub in Ja’Marr Chase as well as he is looking like this season’s breakout rookie. This team could see some higher point totals week to week if Michael can set the correct lineups moving forward. Another note: Mike Williams is potentially the best pick of this year so far, the value on him has been through the roof and straight to the moon.
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6. Washington Foreskins
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Amy and Tammy Drink Up to Twelve Sodas a Day | 1000-lb Sisters
Nothing quite hits the spot like a nice cold sodie pop. These 1,000 pound sisters got themselves a show because of their amazing humor. Wait, that's not right. It was because they both slept with harambe’s cousin, Gene. No no, that can’t be it, it is because they went viral for most vegetables eaten in a year. That doesn't sound right. I am not sure why it has escaped me but you get the jist, they got their own show on TLC. The clip you just watched is amazing for so many reasons. Not only do they refer to soda as sodie pop, they tell a story about how their mom told them when they were little that if they ate candy, it was easily canceled out if they followed it with a sodie. Honestly makes me feel kinda bad. Nevertheless though, this analogy reminds me of this Washington team. As of right now things are great, they are eating candy and washing it down with a nice sodie and could not be more healthy at the moment. Josh Gordon has been signed by the Chiefs and Nahjee Harris is ramping up. A win against a lackluster Mandelorean team is nothing to brag about but what is this team's consistency thus far in the season. It seems they have traded in their past boom or bust self in for some consistent numbers week to week. Like I stated, all is well at the moment, but if Kyle Pitts is unable to perform to his potential level, this team is going to be a sodie away from missing the playoffs and needing lipo.
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5. West Coast Avengers
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Anger is not the way of the Jedi
A nerdy video? Where else could this have gone than the fanboy himself. This video is one that is honestly hard to comprehend. It opens the world up to a type of species that actually exists. If you watched the video, make sure you stay till the end, you don’t want to miss the climax. This Avengers team walked into this week with the confidence of the Jedi KNight wielding the purple lightsaber and was met with a rude awakening. Being the lowest scoring team of the week is never fun, especially after the heater they went on in the first couple of weeks. The positives for this team are that I doubt Lockett and Hopkins will have another week like this again and Cooks being the only offensive weapon on the Texans should see him getting high consistent points each week. Having Mattison is going to be key moving forward with an injury prone Dalvin Cook. If CEH can have more consistent weeks like he did in this one, this team should have a sure fire chance at a strong playoff run.
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4. Baja Golden Piranhas
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This video here is an all-time without a drop of doubt. I quote this video at least 5 times a week. The “hey ron, hey billy” exchange moments after falling through the roof is one for the ages. So nonchalant, as if it was a normal occurrence between the two. This shit is so damn funny it hurts. This nonchalantness is similar to the way Zach has taken the field this season after devastating blow after devastating blow before the season even began. He took this metaphorical falling through the roof, said hey to billy, and kept on keeping on. This team is easily one of my favorites and it should be no surprise why. Aaron Jones, Austin Ekeler, Terry McLaurin, Dj Moore…. Need I say more? He also has Mike Davis and Marquis Brown who could be deadly down the stretch. The Falcons just need to get their shit together and Brown needs to stop dropping touchdowns each week and KABLAMO, this team is looking like a Triple Crown contender.
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3. Atlanta Chokers
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Another banger of a video here folks. The disrespect, the no care whatsoever, this boy is going to do great things. This weatherman, or shall I say weatherboy, is so happy and excited to actually have some human interaction and he got shut down faster and harder than Tony does by his wife on any day of the week ending in the letter Y. The “where are your parents?'' line is the one that always gets me. He tries to come up with a solid comeback but the man is shaken in his boots. You know what, I bet this weatherboy doesn't even own a pair of boots, and this kid knew it, he could see right through those loafers straight into his vagina. This video is one I thought would be perfect for this team. It is a great representation of Yassine, the weatherboy, coming to me, the child, wondering why he is not one in the rankings as the only 3-0 team. Maybe it is because he is third in points scored. Maybe it is because he has unwavering faith in Sanders, Mixon and Sermon. You should have seen the man and excited he was getting when Sermon was getting 3 yard runs. Enough with the jokes though, this team is extremely strong. He has both the starters as well as the reserves. I see his only problem down the road being on his own shoulders as he picks optimal lineups week to week.
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2. Dallas Big D’s
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It's the perfect texture for running
I know that I have said it about some of the previous videos, but this time I truly mean it. This video might make me the happiest out of any video I have ever seen. This dumb bitch explaining how running on ice is the perfect condition to go running, and then proceeding to eat shit 15 steps later is the most amazing series of events. Also just the way she is talking about it, like she is better than everyone else because she is the only one dumb enough to think that running while it is snowing is a good idea. I went to school in Kansas and it snowed so much every winter that there was basically ice on the ground for 4 months out of the year and let me tell you, running was never even a thought. I was the motherfucker on all fours crawling to class, and even then I would slip. This dumb bitch man. Holy fuck is it perfect. It is like a symphony from Beethoven. Just spectacular. Similar to this dumb bitch, the Big Ds seemed to have all the calculation in order, only to be swept off their feet in the first couple of weeks by the highest scoring teams. They learned from their mistakes though and this past week they decided to try out running in clear conditions, and holy shit did it pay off. Who would have thunk? This team was firing sexdown dances left and right and found themselves as the highest scorer this week. Not again were they going to let anyone stand in their way of getting their first victory of the season. A massive week for his special teams helped him overcome three of his skill players scoring 7 points or less. Even on his off weeks the man puts up serious points. Dallas has scored the most points in the league this season and has had the second most points scored against him. All this tells me is that this team gets going when the going gets tough, and in the end, his D will always be bigger. Just no more runs in the snow okay?
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1. Cordoba Gauchos
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SNL Digital Short: United Way - SNL
Speaking of classics, who remembers this jem? Peyton hit the stage on SNL with no plans of looking back. He gave us countless memories from his show and this was easily the highlight. Watching him shit on kids for 3 minutes is 3 minutes that will always be better than any other 3 minutes. There is not much to say about it other than it is a must watch. Peyton in this video reminds me of this Gaucho team. Joe learned from his past season mistakes of keeping Mixon on his team for 4 seasons and has moved on to greener pastures. A QB battle has found this team in question of who their leader should be, once they figure that out, it is going to be quite the sight. Zeke and Herbert are back in form. Swift is quickly emerging as a star. Thielen, Samuel, and Kelce are absolute savages. A team where Amari Cooper is on the bench is a team that you know is good. I see bright things in the future for this team.
Please do keep scrolling as I have added a few extra of my favorite videos below. Enjoy and I will see you all next week.
Honorable Mentions