You heard it here first boys and girls, the bad boy ciabatta of the west coast is back and better than ever. Rolled out of bed this morning half chubbed and let me tell you I had an epiphany. Now you may be thinking, “half chubbed is nowhere near the torquedness that is needed to have such an experience”, but to that, I say nay. Sports science has proved time and time again that your George Washington set at half mast is the only way to fully optimize brain power. While in this almost zen like state, the body and mind are connected allowing for each man to do no wrong and even better, have no wrong done to him. Ever been mauled by a bear while rocking a chubberton? I think not. Coincidence? I think not. 

 

       Now to get started on telling you men about this epiphany I have to take yall back to the time I was in Shanghai several years ago. I am nothing short of a panda buff so immediately after landing I made my way to the wild animal park to see if I could set my eyes on one of these majestic creatures. Now this will have been the first time I went looking for one of these bamboo hoarders so as anyone would be, I was quite nervous. As I walked into the entrance of the forest I'm not going to lie, my knees were weak and my arms were heavy. Vomit on my sweater already, mom’s spaghetti. Haha no no it wasn't mom's spaghetti, I'm not Marshall. The kid next to me on the flight yarped all over me. So anyways… I'm walking on this narrow trail surrounded by a sea of bamboo when I come across a small secluded pond. The view so picturesque it could be the starting screen of one of those beautiful meadow scare videos. So peaceful, so effervescent that I broke down and started to weep uncontrollably. A few minutes had gone by when I felt a touch on my shoulder. I turned my head to see none other than China’s belle of the ball, Jackie Chan. Jackie held me and comforted me with the most tender touch, as if I was in the arms of the animal I spent all this time searching for. The moment was nothing short of sublime until it was rudely interrupted by the simple and abrupt word “wow”. Said by none other than Mr. Wow himself, Owen Wilson standing about 5 feet behind us. For the next 45 minutes the only thing that came out of his mouth was the word “wow”. Now I love me a good Owen Wilson “wow” meme but I couldn't help but think if this guy was serious. It wasn't just the pond either, anything and everything was apparently the greatest thing he’d ever seen, the man would see a piece of panda shit and low and behold Jackie and I would buckle ourselves up for a 16 wow rant. The day went on and much to my disappointment, no pandas were seen. Owen had a knack for disturbing the piece and although Jackie tried to hold me back the best he could, I hit my breaking point and decided that enough was enough. After hearing the 1000th “wow” of the day I looked at Owen Wilson and said “you stupid muppet” and socked him right in his nose. Owen Wilson tumbled to the ground as quickly as Gene came on his wedding night and thus the tail of how Owen Wilson’s nose got fucked up was written. 

 

       You’re probably sitting there thinking but what about the epiphany? Well here it is, whilst half asleep and half erect I thought back to my times in Shanghai with with those fellows and I thought “if Owen Wilson is able to have one of the worst looking noses of all time and still prevail on his path to becoming a household name, then all the bullshit going on in the world cannot halt what we all know and love, fantasy football, and even more important, fantasy football power rankings.” So just as Chandler peed on Monica's leg after a severe jellyfish sting, I too am stepping up. Welcome to the fuckin show boys and girls. 

 

       So with starting in week 4 there is much to cover. The season is off to a hell of a start and some teams have already taken on a lebron-like playoff mindset while others would have been better off letting Owen Wilson pick their fantasy team, and let me tell you that man hasn’t watched football since he lost Marley. Too dark? Well buckle up. This week’s theme is dogs. Aaaaaaaa ruff ruff. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Game of the week

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eugene Dirty Beaches over Eucalyptus Big Burritos 

 

       Now I'm not 100% certain that I spelled Alex’s team name correctly above but let's be honest, did anyone besides Alex even notice? I could have put in Galactic Space Dildos and yall would have probably thought to yourselves “huh, just Alex being Alex again”. Though listen, I'm not here to unsettle anyones space dust, just here to be yalls guide through the wilderness. So let's get back to it. Zach with a phenomenal start to the season went into Monday night with the game on the line and made the big dick play as he always does and chose to start the Chiefs defense against a very lethal Ravens team. Though in the words of Lamar Jackson “Kansas City is our kryptonite”, and oh how the spoils were had by the Dirty Bitches. Fuck I meant Beaches. Ahh oh well, what's the difference anyway? Both are best primed for a great time when the weather is nice, they both are associated with women wearing very little clothes, and whether you find yourself in the presence of either, a good drink in your hand will only make the situation better. Got off track there a bit but hey, congrats Zach on a hell of a win. 

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The Long Dong Silvers Award:

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The Zachary Douche Canoes - 175.68 points 

 

       Yes yes we do have a sponsor for this seasons power rankings and I'm being told to say “The Long John Silver's location nearest you may be 1000 miles from the nearest body of water but we assure you our fish is fresh, and if you think the fish is sour it's not the fish, it’s your woman. Also Long John Silvers has a new limited time promotion, the shark sticks meal, can’t complain about the fish not being fish if it's not in the title.” Thank you to our sponsor Long John Silvers. (A little fact - Long John Silver’s actual tagline is “we speak fish”, i don't know about you but something here seems fishy… get it? But seriously who made that tag line up? Are they trying to tell us that Aquaman is their source of fish? Also who greenlit Alex to head the marketing team?) 

 

      Anyways this week's award goes to The Douche Canoes. And let me tell you boys, The Douche Canoes were flowing this week! The only comparison I'm able to make to just how wet and wild the Douches were this week would be Niagra Falls. Laguvalin did their best but with maximum effort were still unable to part the red sea. Did the Douche Canoes just get a new mascot? Moses? Ever heard of him? Congrats to the Douche Canoes with a landslide of a week.

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The Your Clark Is Bigger Than Your Bite Award 

 

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Vancouver Hart Foundation - 94.22 points 

 

       Listen, I know what yall are thinking, and the answer is no. This award was not named after a particular member of the league whatsoever and I will not take the slander that may come my way based off of hoopla and misinformation. With saying that, what's up Gene? Not doing too well up there in Vancouver eh? Maybe if you pointed your efforts and monopoly money toward your police force and got them actual vehicles instead of horses you could escape weekly massacres in your city eh? Just a suggestion eh? Seems the mounties of Vancouver just aren't cutting it in the damage control department eh? Canadian football has been a joke for years and it seems this year is no different eh? The team does stand for a good cause though, that much is certain. You may not have won this game or the last one, or even have scored 100 points in a PPR league either week, but hey, you've won over many hearts in the process. 

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Rankings

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10. Vancouver Hart Foundation (0-3) 

 

 

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       I mean was there any other choice? Once a weiner, always a weiner. Just like your team, people look at the weiner dog and feel a little bad at first but in the end the heart strings get pulled making us feel bad for making fun. No real shocker here. This team has been plagued by injuries and I am sad to say but it doesn't look like the injuries are going to stop anytime soon for any of the teams in this league. Vancouver’s injuries alongside the fact that they only have 3 players who are in the top ten scoring for their positions makes this team not quite a sleeper, but fully asleep. Even the stars on his team are having trouble getting up, must be contagious or something eh there Gene? In all seriousness though this team does have great potential but at this moment it is very hard to see them turning things around anytime soon. 

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9. Lagavulin 16 (0-3)

 

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       Would you just look at that class? The only thing missing from this gif is a glass of Lagavulin in the background, and just like this pup, Tony has fired a few shots this season that have not panned out as he would have thought. We also have a live look of Lagavulin while making the decision to trade Chubb and Robinson away. 

 

 

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       Lagavulin is solely in this position because they have been unable to win a game this season. The season is still extremely young and I do not see this team staying near the bottom of rankings for very long. Though we must talk about the elephant in the room… The trade that took place last week. Laguvalin traded two starting running backs away in return for one. Even though it was Derrick Henry that Laguvalin received, the trade not only gave this team less options, but gave a struggling team new life. Have we entered into a new era of Tony trades? Has he lost his touch? All will be answered as the season progresses. Laguvalin is set up very nicely though to start ripping up the league like Freddy Kruger as they have a very strong team with very little holes.

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8. San Diago Sleepers (1-2)

 

 

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       Just like a young adolescent pupper, this team has a lot of growing that it needs to do but if put on the right track could age quite nicely throughout the season. This Ron Burgundy led team is off to a bumpy start to say the least. They had a solid draft overall but taking Le'veon Bell in the second round might go down as the worst pick in league history. Things got worse as the news spread that Fournette was being released. This left the Sleepers with a gaping hole the size of a kool aid man living room entry and doubts about the team's ability to put up points started to circulate. Little did the league know ole Burgundy had a Brick up his sleeve and was able to make a fantastic trade in which they acquired two starting running backs for the price of one. The real issues with this team are both their ability to choose the correct flex players each week as well as them having their so-called star receivers start to actually produce. If AJ Green and OBJ get rolling this team could be a real threat.

 

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7. Luxembourg Luxe Bidets (1-2)

 

 

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       Just like this pup, Chris’ season has started with numerous injuries that are currently impeding him from hitting full stride. The Bidets are a very well put together team and have had a great start to their season even with a below .500 record. They have scored the 4th most amount of points thus far in the season. My concern with this team is their current struggle with injuries as well as whether or not Calvin Ridley can keep up this egregious average of 23 points per week. Injuries have handicapped the team into having to place very boom or bust esk players into their flex positions. This team when healthy will be able to take on the toughest of matchups each week no matter how much shit opposing teams may throw at them. The news is in and wiping is out. Why use paper when a powerful stream of water does the trick so much better? 

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6. Zachary Douche Canoes (2-1)

 

 

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       I mean with a name like that how could I not. All jokes aside though this is a moist douche team locked and loaded to stop any leakage that may come their way. Ahhh The Douche Canoes. What a streamy I mean streaky season this team has had thus far. They have put up massive numbers in week 1 and 3 but produced a dud in week 2. That is exactly how I feel this team is set up though. With Todd Gurley, Tyler Boyd and Justin Jefferson in their starting lineup with Devante Adams being out this team has a lot of potential to put up low points. As we have seen, their stream does not always flow, but when it does, better get your rafts out because it is going to be a flood. 

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5. Giannis Antetokounmpo Bodatious Borders (1-2)

 

 

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       Just like the Big Bardas’, this dog is flying through the galaxy without a care in the world. Ready to take on any and every foe that may cross his path. Now this is a team I really really like. I think more than any team this is the one that is underperforming the most. How they have not scored more points each week absolutely baffles me. So much so that I had to take a trip down to Luxembourg in order to clean my system out in a way only they can. This team is looking like it is pancake day at IHOP and that could only mean one thing, they are STACKED. Lead by two of the hottest receivers in the league (insert gene trying to think of a gay joke he can throw at jonah) Adam Theilen and Tyler Lockett this team is set up for a monster rest of the season. If Michael Thomas is able to return to his former self and get healthy as well as if Kenyan Drake starts producing like he tweeted before the season, then this team has a real nice shot at making a run for the ship this year.

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4. Flint Tropics (3-0)

 

 

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       Just like the greyhound, Mark has set a precedent for himself for always being ready for battle. Cocked and focused each season and ready to run. All that comes to mind when thinking about a Mark run team is consistency. Year after year he always finds himself in the hunt for the boot. His natural prowess to draft strong has proven to be the most common occurrence throughout the lifespan of this league. I will go ahead and say it that Mark is the Saban of our league and this year is no different. With dominant receivers leading this team alongside a very strong running back core I foresee them putting up consistent numbers every single week. His team has been aided by extremely strong QB performances and if Cameron and Josh continue to play this dominant it will be no surprise to see them go deep into the playoffs. 

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3. The Dallas Big D’s (2-1)

 

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       Moral of the story here is when you got a big D, pussy will always gravitate towards you. Now this is a team that should be undefeated right now if it wasn't for Alvin Kamara surpassing the status of a black sheep and jumping straight to the moon. The only reason that this team is not ranked higher on my list is because of the injury CMC suffered a week ago. With Mark Ingram not panning out the way any of us had thought, there is a hole to fill at RB that is limiting this team’s full potential. Luke will try to continue his strong start to the season with a tough matchup against the Tropics this week. 

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2. Córdoba Gauchos (2-1)

 

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       This team is led by two purebread pits that are out on the hunt and have proven to be extremely hungry. Alvin Kamara and Aaron Jones are hotter than Mount Doom's asshole right now and have put this team comfortably on their shoulders just as Dwayne Johnson does with every movie he gets casted in. (besides fast and furious of course) With Deshaun Watson and Joe Mixon underperforming it is scary to think about just how good this team could be. Joe after years of turmoil has really turned it around in the last few seasons and it has been a hell of a journey to watch. As the saying goes, I’ll provide the mash and Joe will provide the bangers. 

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1. Eugene Dirty Beaches (3-0)

 

 

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       Depicted here is the whole league laughing and joking about Zach going crazy during the draft until his team took off. Leaving all of us wondering why the hell we thought we could tame the wild beast in the first place. Would you look at this? Would you just look at it? Zachary big dick himself after having one of the most electric and thunderous drafts this league has ever seen somehow managed to throw together a team for the ages. Though you may think these beaches are dirty I assure you the shores consist of white sand and crystal clear water. The name is simply a facade in order to keep tourists from its almost paradise-like feel and views. I’ll tell you what, this is a beach i'd like to get down and dirty on. Took a trip there last week and I can confirm that the beaches were as topless as whatever it was Zach was drinking on draft night. Any way you look at it, this team is a force that you do not want to trifle with. 

 

 

 

       Thank you boys and girls for reading my collection of work from the past year and a half. It was a true pleasure. You now have had a look into my world and it is as if my oyster is now yours. What a day. What a life. Much love and nothing but the upmost respect. Until we meat again…. J Dickens out.