A hop, skip and a leap and boom shakalaka, we are four weeks into what some would call the most unpredictable season to date. It’s your boy Slurpy III back with all of you for another week of dastardly commentary on just how much I love all you fine gentlemen. This season, at the start, was all about new beginnings. The slate was wiped completely clean and everyone had a shot at building the next great empire. Some have thrived while others have left the rest of the league scratching their heads as to what the hell they were thinking. Above you can see a gif of Tony and Gene prematurely ejaculating to the rosters they drafted while in their secret jerk me fort. I know all of you love good ideas, so I thought I would share one of mine with you right now. It is an idea for a jerky company with the name “Jerk Me Jerky”. It is something I have thought about for years. Just think about the billboards and advertisements that you could do. “Jerking is always more fun with friends” , “A Jerk on the road never hurt nobody” , “A Jerk a day keeps the doctor away” , “Not in the best mood? Maybe you should Jerk me” , “You’ve never had a jerk this delightful” , “Jerk Me on the road, in your home, at the park, the choice is yours!” , “Jerk Me and all will be forgive” , “A jerk you will never forget” , “Jerking with friends never tasted to good” , “Don’t be a jerk, Jerk Me” , “Jerk Me in the morning, Jerk Me for lunch, Jerk Me for dinner. A good day's work” , “Looking for authentic meat? Jerk Me”.... and so on. You get the point. The possibilities are endless. Enough with the trillion dollar idea though, let's get into the thick of it. 




 

Game of The Week 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Washington Foreskins - 126.62

New York Hibernating Giants - 125.82

 

       Despite it being so close, this game was a walk in the park for one team. Haha no no, I actually went home after ther 4 o’clock games and had a real good look at  myself and was utterly disgusted in what I saw. I was absolutely sure that I was going to lose. With all of my players having played, I was up only 19 points. The Giants had both Mike Evans and Keenan Allen left to play. The odds were ever not in my favor. I even clicked on Keenan Allen's name to see what they were saying about him and the first sentence read “The reception machine..” After that I immediately quit my app. The time came for these broncos to buck up and they looked more like hobby horses rather than real stallions. They put up just 18 points between them and the rest was history. The Giant’s insane 23 point effort from their defense was no match for the might of the Foreskin’s. For it was not time for them to shrivel, but enlarge, and show the kind of resilience they hold within. They might as well be called the diamondskins from now on, cause they be hard. 

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The Total Dom Award 

 

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Dallas Big Ds - 156.82

 

      The dom of all doms. The Big D’s have done it again. They have proven that when tested, no one, and I mean no one can dom like them. They will suck the butter, drop a little miss judy booty and sure as hell will always be soft when others are attempting to dethrone his domness. This team could turn any straight man in my guild gay. Trust me, I know from personal experience. Just how personal? I will leave that up to your own interpretations. 31 from Mahomes, 25 from Henry and to cap it off, 42 from Hill. Talk about a performance. Little fun fact: With just those three players, Luke would have beaten Yassine this week. Talk about drops of jupiter. Luke has been acting like summer and walking like rain. He stayed the course, all was against him and he said nay. I am the dom and the dom is I. Step up and you will get son’d in the form of an erection. No D could compare to that of Dallas this past week. They are in fact the big one's and they have surely proven it multiple weeks this season. Congrats Dallas on the achievement this week. 

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The Bent Over By Ruxin’s Dad Award

 

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Atlanta Chokers - 97.56

 

       Yassine, Yassine, Yassine. Had a little trouble this week, didn't we? Less than 100 points? Check. Start MIles Sanders and Joe Mixon? Check. Doubt and disbelief sinking in? Without a doubt a big ole CHECK. Metaphorically / literally getting fucked by Ruxin’s dad? YAHTZEEEEE. Hey, that has a good ring to it, “Yahtzee Yassine”. A whole series of books could even be written about him titled “Yahtzee Yassine and Ruxin’s Dad’s Peen”. It is written in the stars. I might have to take it upon myself to begin the series. That is of course if Yassine continues his love for Mixon and Sanders. If he doesn’t learn, I fear this tale is one with dark endings. What started out as a beautiful entry into the world turned into a future that could only be described as daily dickings. Now that I think of it, this story sounds familiar. Some would say it is similar to the one Yassine is in currently with his team. Instead of daily dickings though it would be weekly whistle pigging. This blind faith that he has in some of his players is becoming alarming and scoring less than 100 points is never a good thing. Not even 100 points my man? Come on. Get a hold of yourself. This is a league of extraordinary boys and girls and you took the field like neither. Instead, a bag of dolphin testicles, and they don't even have testicles. I would know okay. 

 

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        As you might have gathered from this week's title, this week’s theme is all about dem sweet sweet vinegar strokes. For those who are unfamiliar, vinegar strokes are the last few strokes in the final stages of making the love making. We are talking about two pumps before sploogeulation. A time when the strength of a man is nowhere to be seen, a time when controlling the way you look is impossible. So for this week's ranking I decided to show you all how I imagine each of y’alls vinegar strokes probably looks like. Some people might get a little uncomfortable, but if I am not pushing each and everyone of y’alls comfort zones, I have not done my job. So grow up and enjoy. 

 

 

 

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Rankings 

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10. New York Hibernating Giants (0-4)

 

 

 

 

 

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         Too far? Was Cosby a gray area when you first read about this theme? I figured it was only right for a team/manager of this caliber. You are also thinking to yourself a very important question right now. What? Women can’t have vinegar strokes? Just ask Tony. That Grand Canyon sized crevasse between his legs is sure to tell you many stories of the sweet sweet strokes of vinegar he has had in his day. That though is in his past. Right now is his present, and not the good kind of present. The present that consists of being trapped in his current situation involving not being able to come to completion in four weeks. A real kick to the balls it was this week. A 27 bomb from dak and 23 from the Bills defense looked to be propeling the Giants to their first victory of the season. A hop, trip and a fall later, they found themselves losing by less than a point. Mccafrey being hurt is not helping and neither is this being the first week this team has scored over 111 points all season. This is a positive though, as they do seem to be trending upward. An 0-4 start is about the worst thing that you can do to try and make the playoffs, but crazier things have happened. Such as Tony saying the Foreskins have a good team. So who knows. 

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9. Flint Tropics (0-4)

 

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        In case you are wondering, yes, yes the cigar is supposed to be there. I envision Mark performs each and every time with a big ole stoggy in his mouth. This kind of swagger and bossness is not something that can be taught. He oozes mob boss ora you cannot prove me wrong. Try. I dare you. Shockingly though, this team put together by Mark is nowhere near the caliber we have all come to know and love out of him. Tony going 0-4 is another day in the park, but Mark going 0-4 is like the whole world is ending. Perhaps is it the time difference? Could he be struggling from a delayed jet lag? Something is not right and I will not stop till I get to the bottom of it. His WRs are top tier but outside of them, Allen and Kamara are really the only notable players. Jevonta Williams has shown promise, but with Melvin Gordon eating on a weekly basis, things do not look the best production wise the remainder of the season. It is early but it is never too early to start preparing for next season. A revenge Mark is not one I would ever want to stand in the way of. 

 

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8. Hill Valley Mandelorean (1-3)

 

 

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         Not only did I find a gif of Gene, I found one of him moments before his noodle had been fully canoodled. As you can imagine it is a face that starts off almost confused, as if he is wondering how this is actually happening or why he has let Tony come over at 3am again. This is then followed by a face only a real Eugene can make. A face of pure unadulterated pleasure. Life is all about the little things and the pleasure Tony gives his little thing is all he’s got lately. The Mandeloreans are averaging a 101 point half chubb per game this season. Did someone forget to tell them that we have two flexes and do half ppr? There is a positive to all of this though. Gene does have the number one WR. He also has Allen Robinson and DK Metcalf, neither of whom have given a performance that they are capable of. Chase Edmonds also showed promise this week having his best week of the season, but with Kyler Murray and the Cardinals hatred of letting him get goal line touches, it seems he will be more of a big play dependent player moving forward. This team has big name players and they just need to start performing like it. Keeping it on a positive note, at least your name isnt Tony. 

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7. Pawnee Swansons (2-2)

 

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       Oh sweet Miguel. For you I have chosen the great Papa Swanson himself. This has nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with him being your mascot. I truly mean that. I can explain. Miguelito, you are the type of cool cat that goes home, makes a bench, downs a bottle of a dark liquor that everyone struggles with the pronunciation of, and gets to bed so you can be up to do it all again tomorrow. You are also the type of guy to give your everything. No matter the task in front of you, you are going to give it your all as if it is your job and the last thing you will ever do. This is why the gif above could not be more accurate in my eyes. I don’t even see Ron, I see you Miguel, huffing and puffing when the job is done and ready to get some sleep and wake up ready to do it tomorrow. There is no quit in this guy. He will always and forever give it his all. His team will do the same as it has shown that this season. They are quite good but the loss of Montgomery is brutal for team morale. In light of this he will be forced to start either Gaskin or Singletary. Both as unpredictable as can be. Saquon is starting to bounce back which is great but can he get back to his legendary fantasy status. A wildcard on this team is Cordarrelle Patterson. I mean what? This man has hit the scene and is the greatest thing to happen to Atlanta since the opening of The Varsity. 

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6. Washington Foreskins (3-1)

 

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       The Foreskins. Crying through each of their strokes of vinegar. Why? Not because they are ashamed, but instead, it is out of gratitude. Gratitude for the opportunity, Gratitude for the blessing that having a foreskin is, and gratitude for the existence of sweater stretchers. (For those of you that need some translation on that last one, I'll give you some synonyms. Sweater cows, breasticles, badoinkies, lung mittens, pamela andersons, lady nuts, best things ever, mount everbreast, and snuggle bags. Hope that cleared things up.) These great life instances are what this Foreskins team is made of. In the end, they are just happy to be included, happy to be a part of the greatness that is this league, happy to be above the fold, and in an effort to show their thankfulness, they have brought a team to the table that is worthy of the Foreskin brand. With a hot start to the season, this team is looking like a classic underdog story. I interviewed the manager of the Foreskins about how the season is going and he said “ ***** ***** **** * **** ********* ******* ****** * *** ** fuck tony *** ******* ** ****** ****** *** ****** ***** **.” I apologize as the majority of the quote was words so nasty I shan't not repeat them. The trade for Robinson is really the turning point with this team. The emergence of Nahjee is the electric, OBJ is going to be scoring more tuddies than Urban scores lap dances and Kyler Murray is proving that he was worth the early pick. They have the depth, they have the stars, it just comes down to whether or not this cry bonering manager is able to set an optimal lineup week to week. 

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5. West Coast Avengers (3-1)

 

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       Sit there and tell me this isn’t an exact face that Alex has made. I will be the first to call you a liar. I will also be the first to call you a liar if you say that Nicky Cage is not a top 5 actor of all time. Ever since his zipper debacle, I envision Alex as a maniac between the sheets and a vinny strokes face to back it up. I am 99% positive his catchphrase in the bedroom is “if you aint showing teeth, are you even vinny stroking?” Maybe that is how Alex got CEH to turn it around, he gave him a little pep talk and shared this information. Then BAM, he is strokin and tottin his way to back to back touchdown performances. Guess the teeth really are the key. The only holes I see with this team are their flexes. A gaggle of inconsistency from the looks of it. Though if Julio is able to get healthy and Tyler Lockett becomes less of a boom or bust, this team could be fishing for pickles like it is 1969, if you know what I mean. The Avengers have the weapons, that is certain, but will they be able to put it all together and gel like some of the top teams? 

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4. Atlanta Chokers (3-1)

 

 

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       I do not give a shit what anyone says. Toby is my Spiderman. Toby is king. This face he is making here reminds me of what I imagine Yassine looks like trying to cum while staring at his fantasy lineup. Doing his absolute best to convince himself that Joe Mixon and Miles Sanders are weekly locks. No matter what, the kid is going to will his way to the finish line. Just look at that determination with a side of anger and frustration. Yassine has big names on his roster, but big names do not win championships, consistency and your opponent starting Jalen Hurts does. As you all know, Yassine in fact has Jalen Hurts on his roster. Will we see a pattern start to form? Just something to think about. Tom Brady, even though it was poor weather, showed the world he was human this past Sunday. Darren Waller ever since getting 20 targets in the first game has cooled down a whole heck of a lot and I cannot stress this enough, Mixon and Sanders are going to lose this team a championship run. Dionte Johnson is a hell of a player but is still in the boom or bust category with how all over the place the Steelers have been this season. As you can see this team looks good on paper but when it comes to stroking, they have gnack for finishing over par. I guarantee a lot of people in the league recieved trade offers from the Chokers this week, so we will see if this team can shake something out moving forward. 

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3. Baja Golden Piranhas (3-1)

 

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       In as nonsexual of a way as possible, I guarantee every member of the league has been in the presence of Zach when he gets really excited or is watching something amazing and he lets out his signature “Oh!…. Ohhh!….. Oh!” And he never fails to get louder with each oh. Above is a representation of him during these outbursts. Taking this into account I see no reason why this excitement is not carried on into the bedroom. I mean he does have four kids after all. Just like the gif above I imagine it is an oh that builds and builds until he can't quite hold it back anymore. In a completely different manner, I imagine this is also the face of Zach each time one of his players went down before the season. You see, this expression knows no bounds. The vinegar strokes are inevitable, and as it appears, so is Zach's dominance. He has scored the third most points in the league and looks to be getting better and better as he goes. Ekler is doing his usual thing while DJ Moore is in the middle of a breakout campaign. Him and Sam Darnold’s connection is apparent. Marquise Brown had a massive turn around week after having 3 drops two weeks ago and is looking like the star everyone has always thought he could be. This team is gelig right now in all the right ways and I suggest no one take the Golden Piranhas lightly if they find themselves lined up across from them. 

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2. Córdoba Gauchos (3-1)

 

 

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       Look at this man go. You just know he is a Gaucho. Just like Joe, he seems to just be vibing with the times and riding that shit out. No stranger to the taste of vinegar and no stranger to having a good time. This man practically is Joe. A little cross eye never hurt nobody. That just tells you that you’re doing it right. Enjoying it at levels they only speak of in ancient mythology. The eyebrow movement is everything to me in this gif. I mean that is talent. One can only imagine just how hung he is. This man has it slingin down to his ankles and a just don’t care attitude. He is high on life and riding every stallion as if it was his last. What a time to be a Gaucho. Also a Gaucho player. They are going bananas behind the succulent duo of Zeke and Deebo. I cannot express enough my love for Deebo. Drafted him his rookie year and never lost faith through his injuries. I love watching the man’s success. Herbert has had a slow start to the year which is quite scary when you think about the amount of points Je is putting up each week. I see no signs of any slowing down with this team. They are cocked and loaded and ready to motorboat their way to the playoffs. 

 

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1. Dallas Big D’s (2-2)

 

 

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       I know all of you were, but were yall watching that Sunday night game? This had without a doubt the most electric sideline facial expressions the world has ever seen. Bellichek’s son was an absolute madman out there. To any civilian viewer it was very clear that he was splooging all night, riding that vinegar wave like mother fuckin Laird Hamilton. Sloshing through the pipe like he was born to do so. If only this happened a few weeks ago. This man would go straight into my wonders of the world. How could a man with zero expression vinegar stroke his way into creating this sex machine. His same manner is identical to how I imagine Luke. Confident, not afraid to use some tongue, and aware that the job he is doing is done to the utmost satisfaction of both himself and the lucky lady. Man is chomping at the bit to go again. His stamina is unmatched. He’s a hungry hungry hippo and you bet your ass he is going to munch those balls. This Dale Earnhardt style of vinegar strokes is what has kept this team going. They have scored the most points in the league by quite a large margin while having a gaggle of points thrown against him each week. He has stayed the course though. He did not panic, didnt make any stupid trades, and trusted in his process. The three punch combo of Mahomes, Henry and Hill is about as scary as it gets. All with extremely low floors and ceilings as high as I was when I saw sausage party for the first time. (Let’s just say it took me 15 minutes to find the theater and once inside the theater couldn’t find my friends while at the same time a horror movie trailer was playing on the big screen. I got so frightened with the combination of these occurrences that I had to leave the theater and sit on a bench until one of my friends came outside and walked me to the seats they were sitting in. I then proceeded to laugh my ass off for two hours. True story. Still laugh about it till this day.) Melvin Gordon looking back in form is massive for this team. That along with the Browns running a two man show gives this team massive potential moving forward. Not to mention his bench is STACKED.