Welcome back boys and girls. Mr. Cream Dream Supreme himself has been cookin in the lab all week that is sure to put the rock hardness back into each and everyone of y'all’s Dwayne Johnson’s. So to kick things off I am going to start by telling y’all the story of the time I found myself between a riled up water buffalo and a dildo wielding Johnny Depp. Now you’re probably sitting there wondering to yourself if this story is at all factual, and I’m here to tell you it 100% is and if it’s not all of you have permission to paint my ass and use it as a paint brush…

 

        So here I am minding my own business a little outside of London. You know, enjoying a nice plate of bangers and mash on a beautiful sunny afternoon. I finished my delicious meal and decided to go for a little walk. While walking down this quaint cobblestone road, I was taken aback by the sight of something. All of the sudden I felt as if I had been blinded. Peripherals and all. The sunlight had reflected itself off of an item sitting within one of the stores. The amount of shine generated from said object made me so intrigued that I had no choice but to investigate further. As I entered the store something felt off, you know that saying about the bejesus? Every step I took further into the shop increased the uneasiness I felt. Against my better judgment along with my high intrigue to find this item which nearly blinded me, I decided to soldier on. I approached the shelf where I saw the light coming from and on it was an array of very old, almost ancient looking items. Some small, some big. I couldn't make out what was what or even figure out which item it was that caught my eye. Just when I had almost lost faith, a sun ray came blasting through the window, reflecting off the item. Saying that this item was shining would be an understatement. It was as if a star had come down from space and was sitting on the shelf in front of me. I knew it had to be a sign from the heavens. I picked it up immediately, looking at it with so much confusion. For the life of me I could not figure out what this item was. It looked like a six inch golden shaft with eight sort of prongs around the top of it. Standing there bewildered, much to my shock, I felt a hand touch my shoulder. Now I told y'all how uneasy I was about this place already, so I'm going to be honest, the touch on my shoulder terrified me to my core, so much so that I shit my pants. This wasn't a small tooter either, we’re talking Hiroshima in my pants. With shit not only filling the entirety of the inside of my shorts, but dripping down my legs I turned to see an old woman. I quickly put the item back on the shelf and asked her if she had a restroom. I cleaned myself up, having to wash my shorts in the sink. I thought to myself wet shorts are better than shitty shorts right? When I came out of the bathroom the woman was standing behind the counter and the words she spoke changed my life. She said “you were checking out The Cocktapus huh?” I replied with huh? I was astonished at the word she just used. After speaking more with her, a Cocktapus is a punishment dildo that was used in the times of the Roman Empire. I interrupted her halfway through her explanation and said “Okay I'm going to have to stop you right there. You had me at Cocktapus.” I purchased this once in a lifetime item, simply as a souvenir of course, and I was on my way. After freshening up at my hotel I decided to hit the town with my Cocktapus as I figured it could be an interesting talking point. I was walking along the street which had bars in every direction and saw a massive crowd surrounding this one bar in particular. I decided to investigate what all the buzz was about and when I looked through the window of the bar, I saw the entire cast of The Pirates Of The Caribbean. I had to get inside. There was no way I was going to give up a chance to stare into Orlando Bloom's eyes. After a back-alley transaction with the bouncer I was let in. That's all I wish to say about that. I immediately went straight up to Orlando, placed my Cocktapus on the seat next to him and let me tell you, the hype was very much real. Just a second looking into his eyes felt as though it was an eternity. No words were spoken, just hardcore gazing. This moment was perfect until it was interrupted by a loud shriek. I look to my right and see Johnny Depp sitting on the chair I had placed the Cocktapus on. He sat down with so much force that it actually ripped through his pants and went full Duey Cocks all the way up into his asshole. Johnny Depp looked right at me, his face filled with chagrin. He said “What did I just sit on?” and turned around. It looked as if the Cocktapus had evaporated completely, no gold or shine in sight. I hestinatly responded to him...“a Cocktapus”. This only enraged him more and at this point was begging for someone to help him get it out. Orlando stepped up as he’s done countless times in the films and started to tug away. Though as soon as he tried to pull it out Johnny was in agonizing pain. You see the thing about those sharp prongs on the Cocktapus is that they are meant to latch on inside of you, so every time Orlando pulled, it was only making the situation worse. Johnny had enough and turned to me and looked me in my eyes in a manner that I had never seen before. Steam was coming out of this man's eyeballs. I knew I had no other option but to make a dash for it. I booked it out of the bar and started heading down the street. Now to be fair, I too was angry and on the verge of tears because the thought came over me that I would never see my Cocktapus again. I ran about 100 yards down the street when I stopped to turn around and see if anyone was chasing me. Looking back I witnessed a snarling Johnny Depp hobling towards me. He stopped for a second and yelled out, “You bastard!” while simultaneously reaching around his body and taking hold of the Cocktapus. He pulled with all his might, and to my surprise, ripped his entire asshole open, freeing The Cocktapus from his gaping bean can. Asshole bleeding and all, Johnny then looked at me and I knew I had to run. Run faster than I ever have before. So I took off. Any alley way or turn I could make I did. Anything I could do to try and lose him. After running for about 20 minutes straight I figured it was time to hide. I dashed down an alley and started to pull on every door. The fourth one I pulled on opened and it led to a CNN food court sized escalator. I did not want to go down it but I figured I’d rather face what was at the bottom than a pissed off, asshole-gaped, rectally bleeding Johnny Depp. So down and down I went. The closer I got to the bottom I heard what sounded like a growl growing louder and louder. I was just about to get to the bottom when I saw it. What looked like a scene straight out of Saw, in a completely white room, a water buffalo was chained to the back wall. Now this was not a normal looking water buffalo. It looked as if it was genetically modified. This thing had more veins on it than a body builder's cock. It looked too as if it had not eaten in weeks. My heart was racing as I took a step off of the escalator. Standing there in a frozen state, staring directly at the water buffalo and him at me. Right as I was about to turn around and try to climb my way back up the escalator, I heard the door at the top open and close. I was sure this was going to be the end. I heard a familiar voice call out “I know you’re down there!”. I wondered who it could be. To my surprise when I turned to scan the escalator, I saw Johnny Depp racing down the steps. Not knowing what to do I inched closer to the water buffalo. I knew Johnny was going to be at the bottom any second and my adrenaline had never been higher. So there I am standing halfway across the room and I see a bloody dildo wielding Johnny Depp to my front, and a riled up water buffalo to my back. Slowly Johnny paced towards me, step after step, telling me all the ways he was going to kill me. I glanced back at the water buffalo and noticed a trap door under his legs. So I took off in a full sprint towards it. The water buffalo was there to tango and so he did the same. Right before impact I took the most important leap of my life. I went soaring over the water buffalo and performed a picture perfect slide to the trap door and quickly opened it and jumped inside. Where does it lead to you ask? I landed in a dark basement of some kind of a warehouse. Running down the halls I searched for any way to escape. Frantically pacing down hallway after hallway, I finally found a flight of stairs. I got to steppin. The stairs led to a door back out to the street. I had finally escaped. Still to this day I am angered by the thought of losing my Cocktapus inside Johnny Depps asshole. 

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Game Of The Week 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Zachary Douche Canoes - 102.7

K’un Lun Krotch Kooters - 102.08

 

       Now this matchup was an absolute nail biter. Though in the end, no amount of blood shed by the Krotch Kreeps was enough to break through the defense of the mighty Douche Canoes. Even with three turnovers by the Douche Canoes, they were still able to prevail. The Krotch Kutters came up just short resulting from a missed field goal from Krosby. In a game of many fuck ups the Canoes proved to be victorious.

 

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The Jurassic Pork Award 

 

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Córdoba Gauchos - 179.1 

 

       After last week's rankings were released I received some harsh words from Long John Silvers as they were quite displeased in my delivery of the ad they gave me. So they have decided to cut ties and disband our Partnership. Although when times look dark, there always seems to be a light around the corner. The people over at Universal Studios heard about the opening and reached out to me about promoting their upcoming movie Jurassic World 3. They have also so kindly asked for me to stick to the script and relay it verbatim, so let's see how this goes. “This week's Jurassic Pork Award is brought to you by Jurassic World 3. Releasing in 2021 you can expect to see a shirtless Chris Pratt 7 times and one of those times he may or may not be “making the love making”  to a newborn stegosaurus. This movie will be one for the ages and appeals to all audiences. Lesbian? That's quite alright, in this upcoming movie we have a brand new dinosaur primed to hit the big screen. Introducing the Lickalotapus. After dozens of focus groups and tens of thousands of dollars in demographic research, we concluded the only thing missing from this franchise was some good ole girl on girl dinosaur action. Like what you are hearing? Well that is just a taste. As you can see we thought of it all. Come see for yourself fall of 2021!” Smashed it. Congrats to Jose Cuervo for winning this prestigious award. Hell of a week. 

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The Your Clark Is Bigger Than Your Bite Award 

 

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LuxemBourg Luxe Bidets - 98.14 

 

        Seems as though this week Chris took a play out of Gene’s playbook and performed like absolute dog shit. At least your body hair doesn’t resemble that of a gorilla. We’re all about keeping positive vibes here on weekly rankings. It’s the little things in life that matter. Not too concerned about this team though as I have high hopes for them the rest of the season. 

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       As you might have guessed, this week is all about film. I have taken it upon myself to pair each team with the movie franchise that I believe best fits them. 

 

Rankings 

 

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10. Lagavulin 16 - High School Musical 

 

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High School Music

 

       Let's be honest here gentleman, Laguvalin is not only a drink for pussies, but is comparable to that of sewage waist. Just like the franchise I have chosen to depict this team, it may have seemed good at times here and there but at the end of the day it's a bunch of fruit cakes prancing around singing doing group sing-alongs. Tony I am not in the best position to give advice, but you’ve gotta getcha getcha head in the game my man. Thus far, Tony’s usual strategy of throwing out 50 trade proposals a week has not panned out and it shows. Now I am not sure if these early struggles have to do with management's poor ability to get the best out of their players or just players underperforming. Either way something has to change moving forward to Tony's team name next year will be “Fort Lauderdale Four Lokos”. 

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9. Vancouver Hart Foundation

 

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Twilight

 

       Now I think what the gif was meant to say was “Genetal Herpes”. Here on weekly power rankings I am not one to pick favorites or shit on anyone that is undeserving of the shame. I like to keep it fair and call it how I see it. That said, what I see when I see Gene’s team is a lot of young boys who are questioning their sexuality. Edward Vs. Jacob. I’m certain Gene was pulling for Edward. Seems more of his speed. Actually I'm not sure, he does have the features resembling that of a werewolf. I don’t trust a man who has to shave so close to his eyeballs. Even though Gene is called gay from time to time, just like the movie franchise I dubbed him, his team has some real chompers that can most certainly leave their opponent lifeless. He had an explosive week this week. The only question is whether or not he will be able to replicate it. 

 

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8. Luxembourg Luxe Bidets

 

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Rocky

 

       Just like Rocky, this team has taken hit after hit, crushing blow after crushing blow and yet is looking like it has strong potential to turn things around and deliver knockout punches the remainder of the season. Y'all are all familiar with the Rocky quote “It's not how hard you can hit, but how hard YOU CAN GET HIT, and keep moving forward”. Once Mostert and Waller are healthy this team has phenomenal fire power. A major concern is that Chris’ brightest star thus far in the season has Matt Ryan throwing to him which could prove to be quite a bit of an issue. Climbing steps day after day has proven to be the formula for the makings of a champion so now is the time for Chris to start gettin his step on. ADRIANNNNNNN!

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7. San Diago Sleepers

 

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Fast and Furious

 

        Now this franchise is one that is loved by many, hated by more. See the correlation? People love to rip these movies apart while at the same time can't help but be wildly entertained. When accepted for what they are, the Fast and Furious films could not be more enjoyable. They are the butt of every cinematic joke and guess what, Vin Diesel could care less on his way to being a billionaire. If you don't believe me look it up, it is a fact. Vin Diesel owns the majority stake of the franchise and will be a billionaire very very soon. “It’s not how you stand by your car, but how you race your car”. This quote just about sums this team up on every level. The star power is there, they have the flash, the pizzazz, and drip equivalent to none other than Rick motherfucking Flair. That being said they are not performing as so. Players have started to step up and the return of Le’veon Bell and Deebo Samuel should prove to be promising for this bedazzled team. The injury to Chubb hurts but once fully erect, even the Eiffel Tower will fail in comparison. 

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6. Anal Bead Circus

 

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How To Train Your Dragon

 

        Listen, I absolutely love this team. Though just like Toothless, this team needs some serious training. The gif is a real time look of Alex’s team on Sundays. This team has so much fire power, but has done nothing but shoot blanks this season. How do you expect to impregnate your beautiful white dragon girlfriend doing that Alex? Huh? (Weird side thought, do y'all think Alex, if given the chance, would fuck a dragon?) Anywho, with a line-up consisting of A-A-Ron, Drake, Conner, Brown, Lockett, and Theilen it is hard to understand why this team is not winning more games. Once he gets his tail fixed (Michael Thomas), I see this team flying high and shooting flames in no time. Alex please don’t lose this week. You are really starting to make me look bad. 

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5. Zachary Douche Canoes

 

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Bourne

 

        Just like America's hero Jason Bourne, Michael too has found his own identity. The years of him limping through seasons seem to be a thing of the past, along with the allegations that his team is run by Tony. This team consists of some absolute brawlers who will stop at nothing to take down the target. Michael has done a hell of a job building an extremely strong team this year. The decision to draft Tyler Boyd with AJ Green finally returning was a bold move and one that could prove to be one of the best picks of the whole draft. This Douche is one of the good one's! The only hole I see that has proven to cause minor amounts of leakage is at the quarterback position. Not to mention he has been down his best player since the first game of the season. Devante “I catch 12 balls a game” Adams is sure to make a major impact when he returns. If a promising QB is able to be implemented into his lineup I see this team having a phenomenal season. 

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4. Dallas Big D’s

 

 

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Christian Bale Batman

 

       Does bane have a penis? If so, I would 100% put it under the classification of a Dallas Big D. Luke being down his best player has continued to put up strong numbers week after week. Just like Bane, Luke’s team has excelled in the darkness. The time this team has spent in the shadows has molded it into the same animal, but a different beast and when it returns into the light will be ready to take over Gotham for good this time. 

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3.  Eugene Dirty Beaches

 

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Toy Story 

 

       Never even considered giving Zach a different franchise. This man loves his Toy Story, and rightly so. These movies have always been and forever will be classics. Zach’s got Andy written on the bottom of his boots and is ready for some play time. Draft night was quite a show as Zach proved to be quite buzzed though when it came time to make picks, his Woody was fully engaged. A champion caliber performance if I’ve ever seen one. Every opponent that has stepped up to bat has struck out and in not so good news for the rest of the league, Zach’s team just became a whole lot stronger. With Nick Chubb being sidelined for several weeks it bodes well for Kareem Hunt to step up and be The Dirty Beaches Bullseye moving forward. 

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2. Flint Tropics

 

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Harry Potter

 

       You’re a wizard Harry! Consistency, consistency, consistency! I could care less about the flack I got last week for comparing Mark with Nick Saban and if it puts Tony’s rumpleforeskin in a knot then I will say it again. Mark is the Nick Saban of our league. Just like Harry Potter, he has stayed consistent year to year and always proves to be a major threat. Also if Mark is Harry/Saban, does that make Tony Voldermort? No no that can’t be right, far too much power within He Who Shall Not Be Named than Tony would be able to possess. Perhaps a more fitting character for Tony would be Peter Pettigrew. Back to mark though, this man has shown that he has the football knowledge and commitment to the game that it is sure to be written about for many years to come. Still undefeated this season and when looking at his team it is easy to see why. I’m going to make a bold prediction and go ahead and say Mark is a lock for the playoffs. (If I just jinxed you I am so sorry)

 

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1. Córdoba Gauchos 

 

 

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Lord of The Rings

 

        I mean was there any doubt that LOTR is at numero uno? I am just happy that we are all able to finally see what the offsprings of Aragorn and Arwin would look like with a sprinkle of Legolas semen in there as well. Who I am referring to of course is Alvin Kamara and Aaron Jones. The tear that these two players have been on has been absolutely amazing to watch. I’ve been getting Gandalf The White vibes from this team all season long. “You have no powaa hereeee Gandalf The Grey”, to bad this bad mamajama aint gray no more. Joe after years of dismay has kept his wit about him and has weathered the storm. He looks primed and ready to lead the attack on Mount Doom and lead his army to the promise land.