One Boot To Rule Them All
What is up you beautiful people, it’s ya boi Mr. Same Amount of Wins As Tony Has Loses back at it again bringing you some weekly joy. Today in history, in 1972, a plane crashed down in Uruguay. The survivors were lost in the Andes for two months and admitted to resorting to cannibalism in order to survive. 16 of the original 45 passengers lived to tell the tale and defended their survival method until their last days. What a day it is, boys and girls. Make sure you breathe it in. The sun is shining, the Foreskins have the biggest peen in their division and Gene and Tony are neck and neck, or shall I say tip and tip, battling for the worst team in the league. This week was as high powered as I have ever seen. I am not one hundred percent sure but I believe we have never had a week in which a team in every game scored over 145 points. Not to mention what a Monday night game. A game in which over 150 points were scored by started players. I can’t imagine how many game’s outcomes across the fantasyverse were changed because of that shootout. It was a fight of boners out there. We also saw 5 missed game winning field goals this week. Is it just me or have kickers gotten substantially worse year over year? I can’t remember a time prior to the last couple of years that when your kicker lines up, you have zero faith that they are going to make it. Blankenship didn’t kick the first field goal of the game due to personal reasons. Personal reasons? What did he have to adjust his goggles? It is wild that kickers have been this shit. The quickest way to become a millionaire with today’s NFL is to bet the over on missed kicks every week. Pair that with the over on the amount of roughing the passer penalties and you will have enough money to buy your great great great grandkids as many lightsabers as they want. Bing, bang, boom. (FYI the boom was my monster dong thumping against ground)
Last week was a bit aggressive. I am fully aware. So this week I took a step back, or ten, and focused on giving y’all some more PG-13 content. Same writer, same flare, just less boner talk.
So, there really wasn’t a game worth mentioning this week. The lowest margin of victory was 20 points. Instead, I have decided to bring back an old reward, The Heath Fucking Miller award. Now I know I have put my own spin on a lot of the titles of things but this award is so perfectly named that it shall remain the Heath Fucking Miller Award till the end of my days, and that is a pinky promise.
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Heath Fucking Miller Award
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Chase Edmonds - 2.9
Coming in with the first Heath Miller award in many years with a staggering 2.9 points is none other than Chase Edmonds. This might be a sore subject as Gene willingly gave up his best chance at success this season in return for Edmonds. Nonetheless, Edmonds outscored just one other RB this week and in Saquon’s defense, he was injured early in the game. Yes he did go up against a stout San Fran D but that is no excuse for rushing for just 19 yards.
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In light of bringing back the Heath Miller Award, I have come up with the idea of having a new award. One that highlights the player that, given his projections/ability to score points, outperforms what anyone thought they could do and ultimately made the biggest impact for their team that week. Introducing the Mike Vick Award. Vick with a heart warming comeback story was thrown to the curb by everyone, but in 2010 while QB1 for the eagle put up a 50 bomb. Vick threw for 333 yards and 4 touchdowns while rushing for 80 yards and 2 rushing TDs. To this day that is still the highest scoring week by a QB in NFL history. The man was untouchable. Also Vick deserves recognition every moment of every day. So it only seemed right.
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The Mike Vick Award
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Mark Andrews
Projected - 9.5
Actual - 36.2
Mark Andrews is a hell of a player but is known to be more inconsistent than not. In an offense run by Lamar Jackson, anything can happen any given week. Until this week, Andrews had only one game with more than 100 yards and maxed out at a high of 5 catches in a game. He had also not caught a single TD this season. Skip to Monday night and the man goes for 11 catches, 147 yards and 2 tuddies. This performance did not do much for Dallas’ victory as they had already secured it, but what it did do is propel Luke into the top scorer of the week. Andrews was doing anything and everything that he liked to the Colts defense and there was no stopping him.
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The Golden Cock Ring Award
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Dallas Big Ds - 166.58
Another week, another Dick So Big It Gets Mistaken For A School Bus Award for the Big D’s. While having 4 players score 6 points or fewer, this team was able to put up over 166 points. How they chose to brag about this dominant victory you may ask? By buying the biggest cock ring the world has ever seen. So big that it was found early this morning to have been the topic of multiple Gruden emails. To everyone’s surprise, they did not include homophobic banter but rather pure admiration for the magnitude of gerth. The D’s were down one of their lead horses, Chris Carson and still clawed, neigh, ran, neigh, galloped their, neigh, cock ringed their way to an easy dub against a very strong Gauchos team. The Gauchos brought their pink peen body full body suits to the fight but they found themselves no match for the bigger, badder, pinker and more decorated D’s.
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The Whispering Eye Award
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Baja Golden Piranhas - 117.52
Brutal to be receiving this award after scoring 117.5 points but that is just how the cards were dealt. Even more surprising is the fact that he did so with Moore and Mclaurin both scoring 6 points. Even after these lackluster performances, both are still in the top 11 at their position. To take it a step further, No Dick Daniel Jones put up 4.8 points. All of this being said I am just impressed that this team was able to put up this many points. It goes to show the strong team Zach has cockted (or concockted for all you speaking The Queen’s English). This week was wild and this might have been the most least points ever scored in a week. Wasn’t a bad week, the competition just seems to be evolving in this new high scoring NFL.
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I have been on a LOTR kick for the past few weeks and have been unable to get it out of my head. So this week I have decided to pair each team with the character from the LOTR universe that best describes both managers themselves as well as their team.
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Rankings
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10. Flint Tropics (0-5)
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Faramir
Good ole Faramir. The savage that never was. The man who despite all odds and certain death, marched into battle. As noble as they come yet is the victim of an attempted murder by his own father. There was just no winning for this man despite the caliber of man he was. A true man’s man in the greatest of forms. The same can be said for Mark. Despite his best effort, he cannot seem to catch a break. He is 0-5 and has been brutally beaten down week after week. In his most recent battle he put up an extremely strong 131 points but unfortunately went against an opponent who scored 161. Things are beginning to turn around for this team though. He is no doubt getting stronger by the week. It seems as though he has a pippen up his sleeve ready to roll him off of the burning fire. Not too sure why though when he has the 3rd best QB in fantasy he feels the need to have two QBs on his bench. The holes he has on his roster are reminiscent of a porn star. This team is mostly made up of players that will not lose him games, though will not win him games either.
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9. Hill Valley Mandeloreans (1-4)
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Gothmog
No this is not Gene’s twin, it is a fictional villain who had to go through 16 hours of makeup to look like this. Gothmog was among some of the most feared villains in this universe. He was big, ugly and strong. Though he did not know his own strength. While that may be a positive in a lot of situations, in this case it was not. He battled against the great Gimli and Aragon and was killed in less than 15 seconds. For those unaware of this scene, it is from the extended editions. For those who haven't watched the extended editions, do better. Gothmog, much like Gene, believes he has so much power, and in fact he did at the beginning of the season. How he has wielded this power thus far in the season though is pitiful at best as he has 50 less points scored than the next guy. This week he lost to him peenimisus giving Tony his first win of the season and had one of his recently acquired players receive the Heath Miller Award. Someone might need to check in on Gene because things are looking bleak in Hill Valley. You know what they say about the valley. It’s where the poor go to be poorer. AJ Brown continued his slump and put up a measly 5.3 points and in a game where the Jaguars trailed big, Marvin Jones Jr. was only able to muster up 3 points. Maybe Gene needs to not have an Alex level of nerd team name and things could turn around. That or a roster consisting of guys who actually look like they want to play football.
8. NY Hibernating Giants (1-4)
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Goblin King
The Goblin King. Convinced that he was untouchable on his throne. Deep down in his Goblin cave, standing at 15 feet tall, and surrounded by thousands of goblins, he was sure that he was one not to be trifled with. Just so happens this couldn't have been more wrong. Not too long after a gandalf lead dwarf regiment literally fell into his lap, his sack for a chin was cut by and he fell thousands of feet to his death. Tony came into the first week of the season acting like he was all powerful following a few clever trades. I will admit, I too thought Tony was looking stronger than a roided up Barry Bonds but it was all just a hoax. A cloud that has loomed over this league for far too long and left a lasting impression on how the league viewed Tony’s fantasy knowledge and ability to rape fellow league members through the form of trade. After a devastating loss last week against the mighty Foreskins, I did not know if Tony was going to be able to get it up this week. He took the field and left all doubts on the sideline though as he mustered up a 145 point performance. This is a big step in the right direction for this one win team. Chubba is proving a valid replacement for CMC, Gibson is coming into his own, and Evans is showing the faith Brady has in him week after week. He was helped by a 19 point performance by Emmanuel Sanders though that he cannot expect to see every week. He has some solid depth at the WR position as well with Claypool and Smith. The Giants are in need of finding a more consistent TE and if they find one, he could be in line for a strong playoff run.
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7. Pawnee Swansons (3-2)
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Gimli
Gimli. The man who gets shit on the most yet consistently puts up string numbers each battle. Though he might stand at 4 feet tall and sprint at a speed of 2 MPH, he proves time and time again that he is no slack. Gimli and this Swansons team is very similar. Michael gets shit on constantly, whether he reads the group chat or not, or reads these rankings, the commentary is there and very apparent. Yet, Michael has proven this year that he is going to back that ass up and allow for you to smack it, cause he just don't care. He continues to find ways to win games. The Swansons’ have a roster of wild cards that any given week have the ability to pop the fuck off. Lamar is back to bending the league over in any way he pleases and Mike Williams is on one of the craziest WR runs I have ever seen. The injury to both Montgomery and Barkley are worrisome but I predict this team goes .500. I see a boom or a bust week moving forward.
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6. West Coast Avengers (3-2)
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Gollum
Sooooo this is really just a reference to the wild impersonation Alex used to do of Gollum. That is all. Or is it? Gollum, also known as Smegel, has multiple personalities. You never know what you are going to get. One moment he is sweet and helpful, bringing you fish and leading you in the right direction. The next, he is throwing your food off of a cliff and trying to eat you. A lot of similar things can be said for this Avengers team. With a hotter start than Jennifer Ansiton in… well anything really, the Avengers have taken a turn for the worse. One day his team is healthier than a polar bear in an aquarium tank full of baby seals and the next he’s got malaria. He has lost four of his best players in the last four weeks. This has forced him to start Jacobs and Moss. Now I love Jacobs but with the future of the Raiders being sloshed around in homophobic emails, things do not look too bright for Jacobs. Moss is a great player but you never know what his production is going to be. Trusting a Bill’s RB is like trusting a virgin to tell you where the g spot is. (A little hint: it’s the belly button.) Lockett and Cooks seem to be cooling down and so the worst days might have yet to come for this injury prone so called super squad.
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5. Baja Golden Piranhas (3-2)
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Samwise Gamgee
Samwise The Brave. Through all of the struggles and hardships, Sam stood by Frodo's side and waivered for no more than 15 minutes in a moment of weakness. In his defense though, Frodo did tell him to leave and said some pretty mean things. Sam came back though, he killed Shelob, rescued Frodo and carried him up mount doom. Everyone in the league, no matter how much shit we might give Zach on different occasions, knows that Zach is the ultimate brother and friend. He is always there. Just like he has been there for his team. When they needed him the most, he said fuck y’all, y’all are great. I believe with all two ounces of my cock, that this team is in the position that they are for one reason, Zachary “Big Dick Energy” Raus. This was a team with all the odds stacked against them, and yet they have been able to find ways to win. The emergence of Daniel Jones is massive for team morale as well as Hollywood Brown finally proving his worth. McLaurin and Moore are both extremely solid and consistent, pair that with Ekeler and Jones and you have yourself dynamite. In an off week, the Golden Piranhas managed to score 117 points. The same cannot be said for a lot of teams in this league. If Daniel Jones can return to form, this team has a very high floor moving forward so you better be on your A game if you find yourself facing them.
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4. Washington Foreskins (4-1)
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Gandalf The Grey
For any of you that are wondering where Gandalf The White is, you are wrong. Gandalf The White is a pussy. You heard me. Gandalf The Grey is a laid back OG that killed a Balrog, put on the best fireworks performance I have ever seen. All Gandalf The White did was get a horse upgrade and shine a shiny light when times got hard. Gandalf The Grey was magical. A true wizard that was known for his trickery and power. A wizard is what you might be calling the manager of the Foreskins these days. Jonah has shed his white cloak and allowed for the grey to shine. The woes of his past seem to be nothing other than myth at this point. A well deserved 4-1 start to this season is the confidence he needed after the poor showings in the last few seasons. A team that was built for the future is looking like a team for the present. His only loss of the season coming in week one by a margin of .3 points. Najee Harris is looking like an absolute animal on the field, James Robinson is looking like he could be the steal of the year, Kyle Pitts is starting to heat up, Darrell Henderson is plowing his way through every defense he has faced, CeeDee Lambs big play potential is undeniable and to round it all out, Kyler Murray is in contention for MVP. This team has started to gel and there are no signs of slowing down. Gandalf might have invented a fireworks show but this Foreskins team is looking like it’s the motherfuckin 4th of July. In other news I recently interviewed their manager and he has stated that even if they make the playoffs, their mascot is highly likely to stick around. Apparently it is about the closer you are to a schlong, the better off you will be.
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3. Córdoba Gauchos (4-1)
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Aragorn
The king of kings. Strider. Guy who got an elf to give up her immortality because of his dick game. Whichever name you prefer, Aragorn is the most powerful man in all of Middle Earth. He journeyed deep into the belly of the dead beast and came out with an army of the dead. There was no fight that he would ever shy away from. On a mission to clear his family name, the man was as savage as they came. A couple years ago, Joe was dead. Looking like he was regressing each season, and then he hit a stride that I can only describe as ent like. Forget the 3-5 feet per stride, we are talking 30-40 feet. The Gauchos are now fully alive and have become a team righting all of the wrongs done in the past. Fucking any elf maiden that they please. Joe takes every battle head on and with a win or nothing mentality. The only reason this team is in third is because of their QB situation. Having two that could pop off is not good for team morale. I believe it is starting to get to Joe and if he does not do something about it quickly, I fear it could consume him. Also his reserves. We are creeping into the bye season and I do not think this team is prepared. We shall see though. The Gauchos always seem to have a plan up their sleeve, or a cockfit, either will suffice.
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2. Atlanta Chokers (4-1)
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Frodo Baggins
Froddo “I almost fumbled the baggins” Baggins. A hobbit who started the story as a simple boy, quickly becoming the focal point of the most exciting journey the world has ever seen. Frodo was the only one capable of possessing the power of the ring. He went through constant struggles as the ring was a burden so evil, it ate at him each day he possessed it. By the end of his journey he was as beaten and battered as I have ever seen. The ring stirred his brain up like a blunder basket. His body became feeble. Yet he had one mission and was going to do everything he could to accomplish it. I feel the same way about Yassine. The ending, though, is yet to be written. Will he allow the early successes of his powerful team pollute his mind and cause him to stray the path, or will a bright shining knight appear and save the day. Perhaps Chubb or Brady. Maybe Godwin or Adams. Could even be the white stallion that is Hunter Renfrow. This team no doubt has the firepower and the depth to back it up. The question is, will that be their downfall. After a piss poor performance last week, they bounced back with a 161 point banger of a performance. He did something right this week by not starting Miles Sanders but Mixon remains in his lineup which does not bode well for the future of this team. All in all this team definitely does not suck.
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1. Dallas Big Ds (3-2)
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Legolas
I haven't even started typing and I am already hard. Could it be Orlando Bloom? His glorious silver flow? Or perhaps his flawless technique of stroking his bow? Legolas was a fucking maniac. Walked on snow, is immortal, and can run any distance at full speed and never get tired. When faced with adversity, he responded with a few arrows right to its face. The man took down a hundred foot tall elephant with nothing but his cock. No matter the situation, this elf was going to put up a fight. Luke has been strapped to a wall, bound by chains this entire season and he continues to say no. No it will not affect him, no it will not cause him to waiver. He doesn’t give a shit how many elephants he has to take down, he wants all of them. If you look up the word smoke in the dictionary, you will find this Dallas team in the definition. They have the most points scored through five weeks by over 80 points to the team with the second most. To put that into perspective that is the equivalent of a full week of points for Gene’s team. Luke is averaging 151.6 points per week. Yes, you read that correctly. 151.6 mother fuckin points. Talk about absurd. I have never heard of anything near to that over a 5 game span. After starting 0-2, Dallas is on a path of maximum resistance with a bring it on attitude. He wants the fight, he has his arrows loaded and he is ready to taste ork scum insides. Henry is looking like a greased up nazgul on the field. He is well on his way to another rushing title. AB is finding a sweet sweet sex connection with Tom Brady. Kareem The Dream is cocked and ready every single time he gets the ball. Tyreek Hill has in fact been proven to be a Cheetah by sportscience. Oh and Patrick My Homie Mahomes…. Ever heard of him? This team is as chubby as it gets. As fitting as can be for this Washington monument sized phallus of a team.