Welcome back boys and girls. As always you are tuning into your host, The Cocktapus Collector. Now a wise man once said “A penis is only as big as the man himself who beholds it.” Just trying to give those members of the league who may have some confidence issues with their chubber stumpers a nice reminder that it is not what God gave you, but how you use it that matters. Take a wolverine for example. Now this is a very small creature. Weighing it at no more than 70 pounds, these are among the most feared and vicious animals in the animal kingdom. It is said that they can fend off an attacking pack of wolves. Whether you're blessed with a Herman von Longschlongenstein or a Tiny Tim, it is the spirit within that produces results. A lesson that we all need to learn at some point. 

 

      Now Lyndon B. Johnson was obsessed with his Johnson. He took the opportunity to show off ‘Jumbo’ each and every chance he could. If there wasn't an opportunity, he would make his own. For those unsure about the term ‘Jumbo’, this is the nickname that Lyndon B. Johnson, the 36th President of the United States, gave his penis. Yes, President Johnson, I repeat, PRESIDENT Johnson, affectionately nicknamed his penis ‘Jumbo’ and that doesn't even cover the half of it. Referring to the story of course, not Lydon B. Johnson's dick. Not only did he love showing off ‘Jumbo’ to unwitting participants, he would actually use it to win debates and assert his dominance in any situation. I cannot stress enough that what you are reading, as well as what you are about to read, is all factual. A quick google search will clear up any discrepancies. Over the years countless victims were blessed with having the chance to marvel in ‘Jumbo’s’ greatness. Below are actual accounts of some of these instances: 

 

• Lyndon B. Johnson once answered reporters badgering him about why the United States was in Vietnam with a simple, unmistakable off-the-record gesture: he unzipped, pulled out his penis and said, ''This is why!'' 

• The section of the book about Johnson includes an anecdote about the presidential shower. According to Brower, it was very important that a newly installed jet stream be blasting water directly at Johnson's Penis. The 36th president of the United States reportedly refused to accept staff arguments that outfitting the shower with the demanded features—including one nozzle aimed "directly at the President's penis"—would require a great deal of plumbing work. "If I can move 10,000 troops in a day, you can certainly fix the bathroom any way I want it," Johnson told the staff, according to the book.

•  He would frequently demand that his people follow him into the bathroom and continue speaking to him as he used the toilet with the door open. Once, while he was speaking to his National Security Advisor, McGeorge Bundy in the bathroom, Bundy turned away to face the wall. Johnson yelled at him to come closer so he could continue speaking to him. Bundy walked towards the President while still facing the wall as Johnson called him closer, causing Bundy to almost accidentally fall into his lap.

• Once he pointed it out to a lawmaker standing next to him at the urinal and asked, “You ever seen anything this big?” Johnson then continued speaking about some upcoming legislation.

• One day, after a 1964 Presidential campaign event, Johnson invited White House reporter Frank Cormier onto Air Force One to hold an interview. As it was a very hot day, Johnson decided to lose his shirt and pants while speaking to Cormier. Then, as Cormier described it, he “shucked off his underwear,” and continued the interview stark naked. His only cover was a towel, which he used to make gestures emphasizing his points instead of wrapping around his waist.

• When foreign dignitaries visited the White House, it wasn’t unheard of for Johnson to invite them to go skinny-dipping before any official proceedings. According to Johnson, this “established genital dominance.”

 

       So now that we have gotten through our history on my boy LBJ, it is time for me to tell y’all the story of how LBJ popped his exposure cherry to none other than your host here at weekly power rankings himself. Yes, it was indeed I that LBJ chose to first expose himself. 

 

       The Year was 1963, LBJ had been sworn in just hours after the assaination of John F. Kennedy. LBJ was eager to make an immediate impact in the power department in order to help show stability to the countless Americans grieving the death of JFK. 

       At the time I was working in DC as an aspiring young journalist. I was fresh out of college and ready to make a name for myself. I had just gotten a job as a glorified coffee bitch at the most prominent daily newspaper at the time, The Washington Post. I was ready to get down and dirty. I mean dripping in filth.  All in the pursuit of making a name for myself. When I saw the news about JFK I had an idea. A really big, poorly thought out, down right illegal idea. I was going to steal one of the press passes from a co-worker at The Washington Post and use it to get my way into the White House with the goal of being the first to interview LBJ after he had been appointed our new commander and chief. 

The plan was underway. I slipped the nightly security guard a few bushels of bananas for his pet monkey in exchange for access into the building after everyone had left. I was in and out quicker than it takes Alex to drop his trousers and grab the lube after watching a Marvel movie. I swipe a press pass without raising any suspicion. Leaving The Washington Post building, I had never felt more alive, adrenaline was pulsing through my entire being. I was so amped that I decided to take a quick run. 2 hours later I arrived in San Diago to live it up west coast style, a number of poorly thought out decisions led to me ultimately owning a very unimpressive football team. I made sure to keep an eye on the time as I had to be back for work the next morning. I got caught up in a dispute between two rival nail salons early next morning and it wasn't any help that I got caught in rush hour leaving the city. All in all I was only running 15 minutes late to work. Not too bad if you ask me. I was literally running after all. I spent the entirety of that workday mapping out my penetration into The White House. I had each step accounted for. Nothing was going to stop me. I planned to call in sick the following day to work so I could make my attempt. 

       After a restless night of sleep and several stress relieving (doctor prescribed) jerk off sessions, my 6 AM alarm finger blasted my ears. It was go time. This was my moment. This is how I will be remembered. As I left my apartment that morning I thought to myself “This is the first day of the rest of my life”. In my eyes there was not a single thing that could go wrong. I got to the street and signaled for a cab. After a short ride, (also the nickname of Gene’s penis) I arrived in front of The White House. “Confidence is key” was being repeated in my head over and over. I was prepared to walk up in that bitch and act as if I owned the place. I reached the entrance and was going through security when one of the guards stopped me and asked me what my business was at The White House. Confidently, I responded by telling him how I was “a reporter with The Washington Post and was here to interview LBJ.” He looked at me and said “press?... where is your pass?”. I looked down at my chest and my insides instantly crumbled. “MY FUCKING PRESS PASS!” I yelled in my head. I had forgotten it at my apartment. How could I be so foolish? This was supposed to be my moment. I was escorted out immediately, and quite aggressively if I may add. So there I am, standing outside of The White House, nothing to my name but my penis and a box full of cum covered tissues on my bedroom floor. Just as I was about to lose hope it hit me… “If I can bribe the security guard of The Washington Post, surely I can do the same to a secret service member”. Long story short, it didn’t work. In fact it went so bad that I ended up in a White House holding cell. Apparently there is nothing under the sun, including a penis windmill show, that could  convince this man to let me in. 

       Cold and lonely as I layed on the Persian rug of my cell, I felt as if I had hit rock bottom and would never be able to recover. To put it simply, I was a completely and hopelessly kaputt. I heard the door to the cell room start to open and was prepared for the worst. I was already mentally preparing myself for the horrors of prison and all the raw dogging in my fart box I’d experience while serving out my sentence. Though to my surprise, the man who came through the door was LBJ himself. Turns out word got to the oval office about my penis windmill antics. The President being the outright, self proclaimed penis champion was quick to act when he heard about the confidence displayed by such a young man. He walked up to my cell and immediately stuck his arm through the bars and shook my hand. He looked me dead in the eyes and said “You, you son are a true American hero, what is your story?”. I figured there was no point in lying to this man, I mean he’s The President, that would be like lying to Judge Judy. After explaining to him about what could only be described as a ‘Jumbo’ sized fuck up, he could not control his laughter and invited me to have a chat with him in the oval office. As we were leaving the cell area he turned to me and said “you’re in for the interview of your life, I have something massive for you to write about, they will be talking about you for years to come.”

We entered the oval office and I had that same feeling I had after my press pass heist. Pure adrenaline. My moment had arrived. LBJ told me to take a seat as he turned to close the doors. About 30 seconds passed while I was looking out at the view from the office when I heard LBJ say, “Have you ever ridden on the back of a Tyrannosaurus-Rex, through the eye of a hurricane, while making love to a great white shark? Because you’re about to”. As I turned I responded with “Huh?”. What I saw when I looked back is something I will never forget. There, with one leg on top of The Resolute Desk was LBJ, pants around his ankles, staring dead into my eyes. Everyone knows the rule of not breaking eye contact, so I was not about to show my cards and let him break me. So stare we did. Minutes went by before a word was spoken. After he could not hold his tongue any longer, LBJ said to me “What? Do you not wish to marvel upon the mightiness of Thor’s hammer?”. At that moment I knew he had me. My mind was telling me no, but my eyes were telling me yes. Now let me tell you, all the stories you have heard are true, this man was sporting a fully grown, adult crocodile in his pants. Forget President, this man was a Dicktator. The moment I broke eye contact and took a gander at ‘Jumbo’ he yelled “You think you can come into my house talking about your action jackson like it's some kind of circus and get away with it?”. I knew I was better off staying quiet but I hesitantly responded with… “I...I...it was a windmill”. Poor move on my part as I had awoken the beast. “Well come on, lets see it then” he said. I shook my head.. It was already a chilly day outside and LBJ liked to keep the oval office at a crisp 62 degrees. So im standing there, my penis resembling a wet straw paper sitting comfortably in my pants when the President of the United States  yells “SHOW ME YOUR FUCKIN PENIS”. Yelling had never been a good incentiviser for me and only resulted in me becoming more timid. LBJ then uttered the last words he would ever say to me “You wanted a windmill, but a jet turbine is what you are going to get”. Bringing his leg off of his desk he started ferociously whipping his hips in a circular manner. Powerful gyrations. Centripetal force building by the second. For a moment I thought a window had blown open but I quickly realized the breeze was coming from ‘Jumbo’, and what started as gentle airflow was becoming more and more violent with each moment that passed. It got to the point where I could not stand my ground. No matter how much I tried, I was being pushed further and further towards the balcony doors. Next thing I know, I am being thrown through the doors to the balcony by a category 5 hurricane level gale force wind. The force was so strong that it actually threw me off the balcony of The White House. Laying there on the softest grass I had ever felt in my life, I turned to see LBJ standing on the edge of the balcony looking down at me. Now I said that LBJ’s jet engine line was the last thing he ever said to me but that was not true. This moment was when he spoke his final words, as I started to get up he shouted “My cock has no match! Bow down to ‘Jumbo’! I’d tell you to come suck me dry but that would result in your throat exploding! Matter of fact, i'm going to go tell Vietnam the same thing!” Much to my surprise he started up his helicockpter again and flew off into the sky. The rest is history. 

 

Game Of The Week 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Canadian Club - 97.4 

Vancouver Hart Foundation - 112.04

 

       A matchup for the ages this one was! Well… not exactly. Not only did it consist of our neighbors to the north, both teams are near the bottom of the totem pole. So instead of boring y’all with the details, I have decided to do a bit of stand up pertaining to the abysmal country these two skin flutes reside in. I am still unable to wrap my head around how y’all are able to run your teams out of igloos. Though looking at your records, it kind of makes sense. 

 

What's the difference between a dove and the Canadian Air Force? 

At least a dove can get off the ground.

 

What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? 

The taste. (anything is better than that swill Tony had been living off of for years… Lagavulickmyballs)

 

What is the first letter of the Canadian alphabet? 

Eh!

 

What do you call a Canadian sitcom about a naive boy? 

Leave it to Bieber. 

 

The true story of how Canada got its name: 

After much debate it was decided they would pull letters out of a hat. As the Prime Minister pulled the letters out one at a time, he read them aloud – live on the CBC... "C, eh?... N, eh?... D, eh?"

 

A Canadian citizenship test only consists of two questions… 

1. Do you want to Canadian 

2. Are you sure? 

 

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving in October. 

 

So I had a great time meeting the Canadian army last weekend…

He was a really nice fellow. 

 

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The Chicks-Filled-Daily Award

 

 

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Luxembourg Luxe Bidets 

 

       I can’t believe I am about to say this to y’all, but we lost our universal sponsor. Apparently I was not supposed to mention the Lickalotapus. Okay I’ll be honest, there never was a Lickalotapus. I lead you all afoot. I would like to apologize for my remarks, but also, fuck Jurassic Park and fuck Universal. The Shakespear of modern advertisement doesn't need you. We went and got ourselve’s a new sponsor! Chick-motherfuckin- fil-A. Look at us now ma. We did it. This is my chance to really nail this sponsor bit. So….without further ado, “In partnership with Chick-fil-A I would like to let y’all know that these pandemic times are tough. It is not easy and we must band together to show the China-flu who’s boss. They don’t even have chicken in China, they eat bats, and dogs. We here at Chick-Fil-A pride ourselves in our American roots and that is why we are rolling out our newest complimentary item that you can expect to receive with every order. After years of development and cooperation by our 100% American run and located factories, we Introduce the Chick-fil-A dildo, because it is not just simply our pleasure that matters, but yours as well. And hey, if you feel like getting into more of a Chick-fil-A mindset just look to what the A stands for in our name, Anal. We have spent the entirety of quarantine developing a lube to go along with your complimentary dildo, but after countless attempts we have discovered that our very own Chick-fil-A sauces does the trick better than any on the market. Dip, grip, slip, and disappear goes the tip. Whether it's your tenders or dildo, switch it up, mix and match, it's all good.”

Thank you to our sponsor this week Chick-fil-A. Your service is impeccable, never have I ever experienced more blatantly fake human beings before in my life, and for that, you are a true American hero. 

       Chris, you and your bidets could possibly be of use after your next trip to Chick-fil-A. I know they are already complimentary but Chick-fil-A has actually offered the winner of their so coveted award dildos for life. So congrats Chris! Having the lowest scorer on your team get 6 points is a great effort. This team is continuing to rise gentlemen. Better watch out. 

 

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The Your Clark Is Bigger Than Your Bite Award 

 

 

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Flint Tropics - 95.32 

 

       You just hate to see it. After showing so much dominance over the first four weeks, the Tropics decided to take a big ole shat in their pants. Perhaps this team is in need of their savior, the great Jackie Moon. Jackie would have been sure to whip his teammates into shape. Never in a million years would accept more than half of his team scoring below 7 points. Jackie would have thrown one of his vintage fits and taken his salami out. Then would proceed to imitate Indiana Jones and use it as a lasso. I think we are all in agreement that Mark needs to dust off his old short shorts from junior high and get to disciplining his guys when they don’t perform. I mean I did say he was Saban after all right? So get to cracking that whip and I’m sure your guys will return to peak level play in no time. 

 

       Now this was going to be a ranking system based off of the Animal Kingdom Penis size chart. Though, after doing my research, some animals might not have the biggest penis overall, but in many ways are far more impressive. Hope you kids are ready for a science lesson. As always, enjoy, and may your animal's cock be ever in your favor. 

 

Rankings 

 

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10. Canadian Club

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Gorillas

 

       Ahh the Gorilla. Seen as being so ferocious and strong. The ultimate primate possessing zero flaws, or so you thought. Gorillas, just like Tony, have a penis that when fully erect, can reach a whopping 1 inch. You read that correct boys and girls. It’s said that a gorilla having a longer penis would leave them more vulnerable when fighting, but as I like to say, an extra arm or leg never hurts. Science also shows how gorillas establish mating rights by being the dominant male. Meaning that they do not have the need to attract females, but instead acquires them. Now I wouldn’t approach a gorilla asking about his penis size, similar to Tony’s team every game thus far, I guarantee you’d be O-fer in that altercation. Tony has set an all-time low for himself during the course of this season and I for one am absolutely loving every second of it. I really don’t think Canada was the right change. At the same time though Canada seems to be the best place for him to be. His team playing better resembles a girls hockey team than a football team. Bring me a box of donuts from Tim Horton’s when you come to San Diago. Canadian football has a history of working out though right? Have fun petitioning to try and become the 51st state. 

 

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9. San Diago Sleeps 

 

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Orb Spider 

 

       Now this here is an interesting one. The male orb spider not only has one detachable dicks, but two. Their dicks (plural) possess mysterious super powers. They are able to engage in sex with a female and when the time is right, detach themselves from their dick and guess what, that bad boy will keep pumping until the female is satisfied. How neat is that? Now it's not all rainbows and fairy tales though for this insect, one of the key reasons they are able to detach themselves from their itsy bitsies is so the female will not eat them after the deed is done. These females are sexually cannabalistic and science says that the female will devour the male 75% of the time they fuck. Now I'm all about working up an appetite, but this is bringing it to a whole new level. I bet the sleepers wish they could detach their penis when things start to turn south. Though unfortunately that is not the case for them. If they do not adapt to the times they are certain to be devoured by the string of bitches in this league. 

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8. Vancouver Hart Foundation

 

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Bean Weevil

 

       While on this rabbit hole of findings, diving deeper into the animal kingdom penis hiarchy than any man before, the most common as well as accurate description of Bean Weevil sex is… horific. A bean Weevil has a penis with characteristics that could have only been dreamt of in Stephen King novels. This insect has a penis that is so hellish, that when having sex with a female, they actually cause so much physical harm the female is not able to reproduce again. Sound familiar Gene? The Bean Weevil’s penis is completely covered in spikes leaving the female and her vagina with so many puncture wounds that if they were to take another mate it would lead to their death. Now to the foosball. Wow gentlemen! Would you look at this! Gene’s team is on a two game win streak after beating the teams with a combined win total of one. Aren’t we proud of him? Suck my dick Gene. 

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7. Zachary Douche Canoes 

 

 

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 Stallion 

 

         Now with this being a league where we condone horsedicks, the stallion was sure to make this list. Though it may have been a given to give this animal to Chris, he has since graduated from the horsedick, continue reading to see how much he has grown. A stallion’s penis when fully erect can reach up to 2 feet. A little fun fact, the foreskin of a stallion has been coined by science as a stallion’s sheath. A sheath is something that always conceals a deadly weapon and being a middle schooler with access to 4chan, I can confirm that this fact is indeed true. Though not quite as lethal as the dick of a stallion penetrating the butthole of a human, Michael has a solid team. Once Devante Adams returns his team will be fully torqued and ready to take on each of our asses. 

 

 

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6. Luxembourg Luxe Bidets 

 

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Dolphin

 

       A dolphin, when fully erect, is so long that it actually can reach their chin. I wonder how many gay dolphins there are with that amount of temptation. Having an erection so large that it rubs against your lips can only lead to bad things. Just a thought. This multi-tool body part not only swivels around, but is used by dolphins like a human hand to help them feel around. This is said to give dolphins a ravenous sexual appetite. This is one of the reasons dolphins can be seen trying to hump both inanimate objects as well as other sea creatures. Dolphins are also among very few species that actually will actually commit rape. It is said that a group of male dolphins will often isolate a female dolphin and beat her up with their tales and use her for sex for weeks at a time. Dolphins are just assholes. It is as simple as that. Another example is how they will take baby porpoise’s and pass them through the air like they are a ball. The reigning my cock is bigger than a giraffe’s neck award has looked great this season. He has consistently put up strong numbers and I see no signs of that slowing down anytime soon. 

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5. The Huntsville John Snow Fucked his Aunt’s

 

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Female Hyena 

 

       Now Alex is not a fan of snakes, but a python’s dick was far too fascinating to pass up. I actually started doing research for this but could not finish because of the amount of snake photos. I feel like they are all over me. Moral of the story is that Python’s dick’s, though do not boast anything crazy in the length department, have not one, but two. This allows for them to last a much longer time as they are able to switch from penis to penis during sex. Talk about a double doinker! Instead, I have gone down the female hyena route for Alex. Now if we’re being technical, these females do not have an actual penis, but they do have a clitoris that can grow up to 10 inches long. I am not even sure which one is the male in the gif above. A female hyena has so much testosterone that they are actually able to achieve erections. Moral of the story here is whether Alex is  viewed as a male or female, he still has an above average penis. Proud brother right here! Now I don’t like to brag on these write-ups, and will not let Mark scoring a measly 95 points this week take away from the fact that this team, just like I called it, has the fire of satan’s ball sack behind them. I have been higher on this team this season than I was the night I got so high I ate two full bags of family sized doritos followed by me falling over and knocking my head on the ground so hard that I knocked myself out. Keep up the good work Minas Tirith Muff Miners!

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4. Flint Tropics 

 

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Sea Turtle 

 

       Not only are these creatures totally righteous, they are astonishingly well-endowed. The sea turtle has a penis that reaches half of its body length, or 4 feet with the average male having a body length of 8 feet. Not only are their dicks enormous, they have some serious firepower. With almost american sniper-like accuracy, a male sea turtle is able to impregnate a female from a large distance away. This helps protect the males from the females who have much stronger and larger tails. Now a sea turtle does not have to be in the presence of a female to become aroused. They can often be seen fully erect while bathing or drinking. They also have the ability to retract their penis on command, and how could it be more fitting that it seems Mark’s team has done the same thing this week as his team fully inverted their dicks. Not too worried about this team though as they are having a hell of a season. Also at the end of the day, there is no better feeling than not being Tony. 

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3. Dallas Big D’s

 

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African Bull Elephant 

 

       Wait a minute… that’s not a trunk! Now I know elephants are big and slow, but imagine trying to get around quickly while sporting a 6 foot long pleasure pump. The African bull elephant holds the title for largest penis in the animal kingdom. So strong and mighty that these elephants are actually able to use their dicks as a tool to help prop themselves up to reach higher places, swat flies, and even scratch their stomachs. Science also says that during the mating season, adult male elephant’s dick’s will actually turn bright green. What kind of green lantern shit is that? A 6 foot long bright green dick? How wonderful. It is also known that when erect, elephants do not shy away from being exposed but wear their boners as medals of honor as they strut around showing them off. So it was only right to give our league’s boner champ, the world’s boner champ. The Big Dick’s were able to score 150 points this week while having two of their key skill position players score less than five points. That is scary boys, we’re talking Gene’s penis scary. Be on the lookout for enormous green dicks roaming through your city in the near future and impregnating all of your women. 

 

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2. Eugene Dirty Beaches

 

 

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Blue Whale 

 

       And the award for the world's longest penis goes to…. The blue whale. Measuring in at 10 feet long and 1.5 feet in gerth, the blue whale remains supreme over all of us peasants. A single ejaculation by one of these whales equates to 35 pints. Where is Jackass when you need them? Just their testicles alone weigh in at about 150 pounds each. That's a sack that even Santa would be envious of. The name coined by science for the blue whale's mammoth cock is ‘Dork’. So next time you think it’s funny to call someone a dork, you might want to rethink what you are saying. A quote from Moby Dick speaks of how the skin of these whale’s dick’s were so large that crew members would wear them as aprons reaching all the way down to the floor while skinning the whale. Being dethroned is never fun. I guess we will have to wait another year to see if anyone can go unbeaten. Zach, much like the blue whale, has a load in his pants that shall not be underestimated. I’m guessing he could fill an entire two liter bottle and then some with what he’s packin. 

 

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1. Córdoba Gauchos

 

 

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Blue-Bill Duck 

 

       Now if you are here to read something remarkable, better fasten your car seat. The Argentine Blue-Bill Duck with an average body length of 8 inches, has a vagina miner that reaches 17 inches. If you ask me, that is definitely something to quack about. This makes it the proportionally longest cock, or should I say cockasaurus, of all vertebrates. This duck actually holds a Guinness world record for having the longest penis of any avian species. You want to know the kicker? This duck is native to Córdoba, Argentina. With a soft tip and a spiny base, this duck’s cock is shaped like a corkscrew. The Blue-Bill has needed to evolve over time, as the females are usually NOT in the fucking mood. This is why it is vital that their one-eyed rattlesnake has evolved into a python so that they can engage from a distance. So here we are yet again, Cuervo out here looking like he too could hold a Guinness World Record not for length, but girth. The Argentinian blunderbuss hanging off of this man is looking like it could cover an entire mile. With this solid of a running back core it is hard to see this team losing any momentum anytime soon.