The Magic of Sports
Bing bang boom pow, backstreet’s back and you’re so is your host Will Madickfit. Good morning boys and girls, hope the weekend was one to remember. I think it is a known fact throughout this league that we are all on the same page in this regard, we like sports and we don’t care who knows. Except maybe baseball… I know I know, I may get some flack for that comment but hey, this league is about football, and if America’s past time was America’s present time then maybe that would be different. Though anytime someone like me thinks about baseball it usually consists of black and white imagery from 100 years ago. While America sped up, baseball stayed the same. I don’t know what you want me to say, the sport is just boring. Lo and behold though, what does seem to be constant in the sports continuum is the fact that Georgia will be Georgia no matter if it’s on a diamond, field or court. I mean did anyone have faith that the Braves were actually going to make it to the World Series? That kind of confidence is what lead a post prime Matt Ryan to getting a 5 year contract extension worth $150 million as a 34 year old quarterback. Did y’all know where he got his nickname from? It’s fucked. You may be thinking someone with the nickname “ice” got it because that is what is coursing through his veins leading him to be able to step up in the clutch. You are horribly mistaken. His nickname actually came from his affinity to Natural Ice when in highschool and college. That’s right, this man is called Matty Ice because his mouth just couldn’t resist gargling down Natty Ices. Which I can only imagine was accompanied by a gaggle of disco sticks. Now I dont know about y’all but that is no bueno. That is not my quarterback. Give me Dwayne Haskins, give me anyone. I don’t care how much we just beat the Vikings by. I hope after reading this that it does make things a bit more clear: This is a man whose career was made off of being able to throw the ball anywhere near the vicinity of Julio and it being considered a good pass. Atlanta sports man, they just get me down. What can I say? Sports are not all bad, they ignite our souls while bringing individuals from all flocks of life together. They promote leadership, core values and have the ability to connect multiple generations. Sports themselves tell a story better and more exciting than any that could be created. The emotion and what is on the line is not fabricated, but real. This is why we show so much attachment to our favorite teams or players, the narrative is being written right before our eyes. In the same vein, this narrative too that you are about to read, will unfold as you go.
Now before I get started with telling you the story of the week, I thought since we all love sports so much that I’ve decided to enlighten all of you on some famous sports around the world that you might have not heard about.
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Sepak Takraw
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One look at this game and you might be wondering to yourself when did Keanu create a sport? But this is not The Matrix gentlemen, this here is Sepak Takraw. Originally started in Southeast Asia, this sport is also known as foot volleyball. I mean this looks invigorating. Why are we paying to see Cirque du Soleil when we can see these majestic Mongoloid creatures fly through the air and blast balls at one another with their feet. Forget Shaolin Soccer, this shit is the real deal. (If you have not seen that movie, do yourself a favor and go check it out.)
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Wife Carry
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Apparently the Danish know what the fuck is up. I bring to you the sport of The Wife Carry. I guess the men decided they carried their women on their backs enough during everyday life that they may as well make a sport out of it. What may seem as a joke at first glance is indeed taken very seriously. Athletes train year around for the title of champion. Every year since 1992 competitors have traveled from near and far in hopes of earning this coveted honor. Contestants must carry their wife 300 yards through treacherous obstacles including mud pits, pools, and much more. For those upset that you have a male as your partner, no need to worry, they have created a second championship for you cock gobblers, The Fairy Carry. Be on the look out in 2021 for Gene and Tony to take center stage in this event.
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Worm Charming
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Just like the Wife Carry, this sport too has a world championship. From my research I have learned that this sport started in London and consists of participants being allowed to use a garden fork, piece of wood and a musical instrument of choice. You must stay within your designated 3x3 yard square and the goal is to get as many worms on your stick as possible in 30 minutes without any digging. Apparently the vibrations of the instruments and garden fork annoy the worms so much so, that they come out of the ground. Some guy got way too good at it and still holds the record to this day. In 1980 he smashed hopes of someone gaining the title of king worm charmer with a record 511 worms. What. The. Fuck.
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Quidditch
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Now as many of you know I have a deep love for my boy Harry and all he was able to overcome. I own all eight movies and in fact have three copies of each. But let me tell you, the nerds have gone way too far on this one. Fucking Quidditch? Are you kidding me? This has actually become not only a collegiate sport, but a professional sport as well. Looks like I’m starting my kids young and going to give them a broom to play and fly on. This sport actually consists of a snitch, this snitch is represented as a man with yellow shorts on with a ball hanging out of the back of his shorts. “Go on Jimmy! Make your dad proud! Grab that man’s ass until you grab his ball! You’ve got this!” I mean… come on. Can we please put an end to this. It’s just… come on. Please.
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Cheese Rolling
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If you have never tried to catch a wheel of cheese reaching upwards of 70 miles an hour while running full speed down a very steep and not well kept hill then you have never lived. How do you look at yourself in the mirror every morning? Now I know I included a lot of gif’s but come on, with a sport like cheese rolling just a few won’t cut it. This sport takes place every May atop Copper’s Hill in Gloucester, England. Participants put their lives on the line in hopes of fulfilling their life long dream of hoisting the very cheese they are chasing above their head as their own. I urge each of you to take a look at each of the gif’s above individually. It really is the only true way to fully understand the brutality and stupidity of this sport.
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Dwarf… well anything really
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Now all of you are probably familiar with the sport of the dwarf toss. Made famous by the film Wolf of Wallstreet. Now what was once measured by length, it was soon adopted into a contest of accuracy. As you can see above, dwarves are used for many things in sports. As a ragdoll to throw around, as a bowling ball, and even as a contender against a camel in a race. I mean who was it that thought this up. “Wait, I have it! The perfect idea! What if we took a 4x100 dwarf relay team and raced it against a camel. It’s genius!” If any of y’all are sitting there thinking I went too far with this one I will let you know now, you’re wrong. I am not making fun of, but highlighting their versatility. Shame on you. Like our vertically challenged friends here, it seems like you need to be knocked down a few pegs. It isn't like someone held a gun to these dwarves' heads or kidnapped them into these situations, they are willing participants, just like you are, choosing to read this.
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Camel Wrestling
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Y’all may have heard of cock fighting, but this, this is camel wrestling. I know what you’re probably thinking, when you heard camel wrestling you probably thought it was two girls scissoring each other to the death. Camel Wrestling is a sport for the rich and was started in Turkey. These camels can go for as much as $50,000. This event takes place during mating season and they rile up the male camels up by leading a female between them causing them to fight. So maybe cock fighting really isn't too far off. The winner is decided by one of the camels either falling over or fleeing.
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Ferret Legging
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Astonished that this is a thing. Where the fuck is PETA? Camel wrestling I understand but this is taking it to a whole new level. The goal of this sport is to see how long you can handle a ferret crawling around in your pants. All this tells me is that those individuals over there in Scotland have far too much time on their hands. The world record for this event was set by Frank Barlett with a time of 5 hours and 30 minutes. What in the…. I mean how did we even get here. Ferrets down pants? I thought this was a fantasy football league. Enough with the talk about how Tony and his people dabble in ferret hershey hole antics.
So anyway...
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Onward with what you have all come here for, your weekly story. For this one we must go back to the year 2013. At the time I was working as a freelance security guard living from gig to gig. I was fulfilling my lifelong dream, just trying to make ends meet for a while. Things were starting to look up for me. I had paid my dues and started getting higher paying gigs and working more high profile spots. What started as a job surveilling a Bank Of America parking lot every night escalated into me standing guard outside some of the top titty bars in town. I had made a name for myself by having a strict no nonsense policy.
I got a call from a good friend of mine that needed an extra man on a job down in New Orleans. It was a big one. The fuckin Super Bowl boys and girls. Ya boi got called up to the big leagues and was going to be guarding America's beloved entertainment and all the good people who paid thousands of dollars to watch. I could not have been more stoked, I made it, this is what I had been waiting for.
When I arrived down in New Orleans on Thursday I still was unsure of what exactly my security job would entail, but regardless, was excited for the opportunity. Super Bowl weekend, no matter what city it is in, is a party and a half. I wish I had the time to explain to y’all all of the good times that I had while partying on Bourbon Street but that would only distract y’all from the point of this story. The only way I could sum up my experience is by telling y’all that it was like I had entered into a Lonely Island music video. I have included a gif below to better represent what it is I mean by that.
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What I will say is it consisted of many beads. All kinds. Some better than others I must say. I even ran into a fellow security guard while out on the town and found myself watching him get gang banged by a slew of horny mice in the middle of the street. Bourbon St. am I right? Each morning I would wake up with a different sexual organ of mine being in substantial pain. The amount of vaseline I used to cope with these injuries was more than I would ever care to admit. Okay, okay, you got me, five gallons.
After successfully bandaging and lubing up my extremities I was ready to serve and protect better than I ever had before. I pulled up to the stadium bright and early to make a good impression and did my best to remain laser focused on the task at hand. I met my buddy just inside the gates to get my work assignment. Being the low level titty bar security guard that I was, I expected nothing more than to be on door duty. Turns out that one of his main guys got caught in some trouble the night before and was a no show. I mean who wouldn't show up to the Super Bowl? Weird. This meant that I would be up on the executive suite level guarding some very important individuals. Hearing this information had my pee pee cranked up to full mast. After a quick bathroom jerk sesh, or six, I reported to my station outside of the executive suites. I could not stop thinking about all of the connections that I would have the chance to make, I was just a few feet away from some of the richest motherfuckers on the planet. Anyone that was on this level was sure to be bathing their jizzers with hundred dollar bills daily.
The game was underway and it was not looking too good for San Francisco. Baltimore was having their way with them and dragging their aardvarks up and down the 49ers’ faces the entire first half. Nothing out of the ordinary to report on my end as it had been a nice, easy, quiet night thus far. There was quite a commotion during half time as everyone was keen to stretch their legs a bit and mingle with other rich people sitting in different suites. All the dust settled down as the second half was about to kick off. About a minute into the second half I was enjoying a particularly tasty glazed donut watching the game on one of the TV’s in the hallway, I heard a ruckus coming from one of the nearby utility closets. It was my sworn, hourly duty to investigate. So investigate I did. I approached the door where I heard the noise coming from. The door read electrical room. The sounds coming from inside though did not seem as though electricity was the only thing coursing through there. Before I opened the door I heard loud grunts accompanied by hitting sounds. I unholstered my League Issued Taser as I turned the door knob slowly and made sure to turn the safety off, you can never be too safe these days. I peeked my head around the cracked door to see Roger Goodell bent over the main electrical breaker jerking his chode while Kevin Hart was going full rogue on his Harry Plopper. Goodell was screaming out “SPANK ME! SPANK ME KEVIN! PUT SOME HEART INTO IT!” Stunned in amazement of what I just walked into, my motor skills completely failed and I completely froze up. I dropped my taser and upon contact with the ground, it fired off electrical currents straight at Goodell. The shot blasted Goodell in his side causing him to shake uncontrollably while still fully engaged in making ‘the beast with two backs’. The force created from Kevin Harts pulverizing thrusts along with Goodell’s shakes proved too much for the breaker as it was ripped completely out of the ground. The lights immediately went out, I was in complete darkness. The power to the entire stadium was knocked out just like that. Goodell and Hart quickly pulled their pants on and scurried out of the room past me, and thus, the story behind the 2013 Super Bowl blackout is finally revealed. I saw Kevin Hart talking on an interview a few months after and he was openly sharing how he had the best sex of his life while in New Orleans while he was in town for the Super Bowl, and I was just happy that I was there to not only witness it, but inhace his experience. See boys and girls, sports really do make dreams come true.
Game of The Week
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Zachary Douche Canoes - 104.68
Córdoba Gauchos - 103.5
I know it's off theme but I just had to with that second gif. The Douche Canoes were slurpin those fine Córdoba juices this week. Making the Douches stronger. It seems they are adapting, becoming more primal in their hunting techniques. A scary sight to witness I must admit. Forget Zeus being loose, The Douche Canoes are loose. Hide your vaginas, hide your buttholes, hide your juice boxes. The Gauchos were just one seven yard catch away from winning this game. Could have used it from T.Y. as he only caught one ball for 11 yards. Can’t be having that. Joe being down Kamara was a crippling factor for this team. Joe will look to replenish all of his juices that Michael soaked up this week and try and improve next week.
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The Dunkin Deez Nuts Award
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Vancouver Hart Foundation - 167.04
Sooooooo…. Chick-fil-A is out. They were not at all impressed nor entertained by the ad I so graciously did for them. I mean I thought they were a good Christain organization. Yet they were so quick to throw me out onto the street like an unwaffled fry. The loss is purely theirs though, this shall not cause us to waver. Zaxbys is better anyways, I dip my balls in Zax’s sauce daily. It’s my secret to amazing scrotum complexion. Try it out for yourself, your glands will thank me later. Without further ado, I would like to introduce y’all to our newest sponsor, Dunkin Donuts. They have assured me that I have full creative control over this and am able to paint their ad in any way I see fit, and after numerous objections from my agent about how poorly of an idea that is, we are cleared for takeoff.
“Our sponsor for this week’s highest scorer is brought to you by Dunkin Donuts! Now don’t sit there and lie saying you’ve never thought about sticking your dick into the hole of a donut. Don’t be that guy. We are proud to break the news to you today that Dunkin Donuts has made it easier than ever. Now offering the glaze your own donut! After countless trials and tests, Dunkin Donuts has crafted a new patented bread material so that when you place your dick inside the hole of your donut. it will expand and allow for the most pleasurable of passages. We guarantee that just a couple pumps in and out will have you glazing like never before. Now we aren’t skittles so we cannot legally say that you will taste the rainbow, but we can assure you that you will taste the pot of gold. Not only will this give you a way to keep yourself satisfied while being in a fight with your girlfriend, but it also provides you a gift to help reconcile things after you’ve finished. At Dunkin, we are here for you! Don’t say we never did anything for you! The possibilities are endless, and hey, if you want to go swimming in your own pot of gold no one is judging! How do you think we came up with the idea for donut holes in the first place? Donuts were first created without a center hole. Let that one marinate. Thank you to our sponsors Dunkin Donuts! We look forward to growing this partnership for years to cum.”
Now for the reward. Fuck this one hurts me boys and girls. No amount of glaze your own donuts could help me cope with this one. It seems the more shit I talk about Gene the better he performs. I was not prepared for this. His team is looking like some thoroughbreds. So to help things go back to the way they should be I am not going to ream his asshole this week. Gene, take me off your calendar, our weekly get-togethers of me Willy Wonka-ing your chocolate factory have to come to an end. Gene is in the process of making football in Canada cool. Thought that would have been as challenging as making baseball cool again but I was mistaken. Great performance this week compadre.
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The Your Clark Is Bigger Than Your Bite Award
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The Dallas Big D’s - 101.04
Oh no. Seems as though even the ones with the proudest and most substantial D’s come up short sometimes. Seems the ole ED monster caught up to another one of the greats. The Dallas Lap Pinky’s are still mourning the loss of their savior CMC and it is showing. Being thrown around by a bunch of Canadians can not be good for team morale. Grab that cock and show them who’s boss. Your cock. Your opponent's cock. The world's cock. Grab 'em all. This team will be looking to upgrade their PSP’s to full grown Playstations moving forward. There is no more time for backseat gaming, this is the big leagues where we play on big screens. Gotta give them that Front Row treatment and give the fans something to get excited about.
Every week I bring you an editorial masterpiece, and this week’s theme is sports, so let’s join the two. This week’s Power Rankings are sorted by best press conferences in sports history. Each clip is from the iconic quote you see, and for full effect I highly recommended taking a gander at each video. You may have not seen a few and even if you have, these are too classic to pass up, no matter how many times you have viewed them before. Also can I just say wow at how shitty of a week this week was. Half the league scored less than 105 points. Really making it difficult to assess team strengths and how powerful they really are. I guess this is as great a week as any to really sort through each team's flaws.
Rankings
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10. San Diago Sleepers (1-5)
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This press conference clip could not be more perfect for this team. It shows an almost picture perfect representation of what it currently looks like in the Sleeper’s locker room. This team just continues to get ass blasted. Week after week the Sleeper’s face a team whose defense either gets 20+ points or multiple players having the games of their lives. They cannot seem to catch a break but do look to be getting stronger week to week. The biggest concerns this team has is whether or not OBJ can put up consistent numbers and how soon Nick Chubb can return. They have the players, they just need to start playing to their potential. Only time will tell if they have allowed themselves enough time to make a run at the playoffs.
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9. Canadian Club (1-5)
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Couldn't have said it any better Herm, you play the sport to win games, and would you look at this, the Canadian Club went out and got themselves one. Tony what an accomplishment this must be for you. Wow man. Really, really, REALLYYY proud of you. Though I must say the good stops there. You have won one game my guy, and your team name sounds like the weekly sub deal at a restaurant that has so much expiring lunch meat that they’ve created a special sandwich to try and get rid of it all. The weakness of this team is that Tony cannot seem to find the right flex players to play each week that will actually get his team points.
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8. Luxembourg Luxe Bidets (2-4)
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Don’t be coming into Luxembourg thinking it’s all a joke to them. Yeah they may clean your asshole better than anything else on the market, but I repeat, they are very very serious. The weakness of this team looks to be his inconsistent starting RB’s as well as having a solid team depth. With players being on bye or injured this team does not have the best bench players that they can count on to score them some points.
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7. Zachary Douche Canoes (3-3)
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“The Bears are who we thought they were!”
“The Gauchos are exactly who we thought they were!” The Douche Canoes held the Gauchos like the brave menstrual warriors they are. This team of satan’s little cotton fingers knew exactly what they were up against and we’re not intimidated. Not intimidated whatsoever. The Douche Canoes have faced the same problem all season and that is finding a suitable player at their quarterback position. This team also consists of many boom or bust players. Luckily they have boomed just as many times as they have busted.
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6. Smallville Small Dills
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You talkin shit about Alex’s beloved Rodger? You best not! Not if you don’t want him getting a very suspect and emotional response. Just as T.O. said, it's about the team, and even with Aaron scoring 3.8 points this week, the rest of the team performed admirably and helped this team win. The greatest weakness this team has is their TE problem. Not drafting a top TE might come back and bite this team in the ass in the long run. Once Michael Thomas stops punching teammates this team will be one to watch.
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5. Dallas Big D’s (3-3)
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“I’m here so I won’t get fined”
We all know how the Dicks roll. In and out. No more, no less. They get the job done and perform as well as they need to and that’s that. Lately though they have been looking more banged up than Tony’s dick after anger-bating his way through this season. With the injury to CMC, and Mark Ingram not panning out as expected, this team even with all of the fire power they possess, have very many holes. Having to fill in waiver wire adds each week to put together a solid lineup is not a strategy that one can keep up for a prolonged period of time.
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4. Vancouver Hart Foundation (3-3)
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“You need to be more like dogs”
Looks to me like Vancouver has found the dog inside of them. This team after a terrible start to the season has found its bite. Gene I really hate this. Talking good about you is like willingly letting a donkey kick and pound my meat clackers over and over until them taters are mashed and then being served to me for dinner. I am seconds away from throwing my laptop through the window but for the sake of the league and getting them their power rankings on time, I will prevail. I must prevail. To be honest the only weakness I see from this team is their uncanny ability to get injured/arrested. Gene, you are one arrest away from stealing my team building strategy. Not cool man.
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3. Flint Tropics (4-2)
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Don’t talk to this team about playoffs. Playoffs!? Are you kidding me? After playing like that? Scoring just half a point more than the lowest scoring team this week. PLayoffs!? Now this is Mark’s second week in a row that his team has underperformed. Should we be worried? Did I really jinx him a couple weeks back? It may be that I have underestimated my powers, and you all know what Uncle Ben said about great power. Mark’s team is looking like his hands are still a bit sticky from his late night sesh and may need to wash his webs off his hands before taking the field next time. Where this team lacks in their TE department. Gesicki just doesn't seem to be cutting it and could prove to be trouble in this paradise.
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2. Córdoba Gauchos (4-2)
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Listen Here! Joe is a man! He can handle a tough loss! He eats shit sippers like y’all with a side of titties each morning for breakfast. It seems the only reason he lost this week was because Kamara was on a bye. Instead of playing him he was forced to play T.Y. Hilton who scored a measly 1.6 points. When in full force, this team is very complete. My only concern is whether or not they can put up consistent numbers when key players are on bye.
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1. Eugene Dirty Beaches (5-1)
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“We’re talkin about practice man…. Practice?”
I know y’all aren't talking about practice. Practice!? The Dirty Beaches have never heard of her. They are here to play games, win games, and destroy all opponents in their way. Practice doesn't leave a legacy, winning leaves a legacy. That is what this team is all about. There has not been a moment that this team was not in first place this season. Zach has been stepping his way over team after team. In stunning fashion, Marvin Jones Jr. has done nothing but do poorly this season. Zach needs to find himself a new starting wide-out and his team will be set moving forward.
There you have it boys and girls. Another week in the books. Hope you Nancy’s enjoyed it. Until next time… Will Madickfit.
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