Peek a boo! It’s my penis. Gotcha! You know who it is, we are back live with your host, The Headless Cocksman. Boys and girls, we have the spookiest weekend of the year upon us. Is trick or treating even a thing this year? Is China going to halt us from fattening our youth? I am quite uncertain. Truly would be a shame if this were to be the case, Swalloween ranks among the top holidays no matter your age. When you are little it's all about that candy. For one day, you have free reign to obtain maximum amounts of candy and your parents cannot say a single thing about it. If you think about it, it really is quite possibly the most American holiday out there. Setting up our youths for future diabeetus in the most direct manner aside from straight up injecting chocolate into their arms. Though time goes by and some may fear that the magic of Halloween has passed. This could not be more wrong and some would say that when you get older, that is when the real fun of Halloween starts. It is a holiday where sloots all around the world have an excuse to dress as slutty as they want. Boobies and coochies everywhere you look. It’s glorious. Whoever came up with the whole costume thing is honestly a genius. A gentleman I would like to meet no doubt. For one night a year, nothing is off limits. It is a night where anyone can be anything and not be judged for it. One filled with pumpkins and blumpkins. What is not to love? Even those of you whose cocks are fun-sized have a chance to get into the endzone. The possibilities are endless. So let’s get going boys and girls. 

 

       A day with calm wind, bright sunshine, and an oceanic warm blue sky. Off in the distance I see its vastness, stretching and hugging each valley and mountain. Gazing upon the greatness of it and how it is nothing, yet everything. Birds chirp, communicating with one another. Squirrels run rampant in search of their nut. The leaves crack beneath my feet as I walk along the old brick sidewalk. The park is filled with laughter from all the good times being had. The shadow of a figure peering over my shoulder mirroring my every step. Six years it has been. Following me, watching me. No escape, no way to shake it. Six years and all I know of this figure is that it is a shadow. One look over my shoulder and it eludes me. Quickly mimicking my every movement. All I see is a black figure in my peripherals at all times. Reflections or mirrors are no good. The figure vanishes and yet its shadow still remains. Eating, sleeping, even swimming and under water, the figure stays constant. What came to me in a matter of seconds, like a thief in the night, has not left and I fear will not leave for the rest of my days. For a while it was just there, as quiet and predictable as could be. About two years ago all of that started to change. I was awoken one night to a constant tick sound. Tick… Tick.... Tick… Coming from right behind me. My neck was covered in goosebumps as if I could feel a slight breath hitting it every time I heard the tick. Days went by, then weeks, then months. 104 days. 104 days of madness. No doctor or psychiatrist would take my calls. I was painted as a loon, trapped within my own insanity. The day the clicking stopped I only became more frightened. Paranoia fizzled through my body as I wondered if that meant it was all over for me. If I had seen my last day. This paranoia grew with every second of silence. If it was not the end, then what could it be the beginning of. What hell was I in store for next? The thought of what could be had grown to be even worse than the torture I went through before. The clicking had become nothing but a faint memory. If I can even call it that. Doubt grows in my mind by the day. As I walk through the park something seems off. My vision begins to worsen, as if a gray tint was cast over my eyes. Then the laughter stopped, then all sounds stopped. My breath and footsteps become the only things I can hear. As I look around at the now grim landscape, all of the people have disappeared. I look to my right, then my left, not a person in sight. I slowly continue to move forward. As I walk a few more steps I hear a loud shriek. So loud it knocks me completely off my feet, leaving me rolling on the ground covering my ears in agony. When the shrieking stops I find myself at the base of the tallest tree in the park. Though something isn’t right, when I place my hand on the base of the tree to help myself up, I feel something wet. I look to my palm and it is covered in what I can only assume is blood. The texture, the smell, the look. It has to be blood, but where is it coming from? I look up and I see what looks to be easily 100 crows with their wings cut off hanging from the tree. In a panic I begin to run, run as far away as my body would allow. After running for what felt like an hour I collapsed. I couldn’t go any further. I completely exhausted myself, but I figured I must be safe all this way away. I go to stand and am filled with horror as I am back at the base of the tree. Confused and frightened I am certain that this is how it would end for me. As I look back up the tree I see through the hanging crows a man standing atop the highest branch. Beaten and battered by the elements. He gazes down upon me. He looks familiar. He looks like me. Just much much older. I hear him whisper to me “help”. At that moment I realized he had a rope around his neck. With one step he lunged forward off of the branch and when the slack of the rope ran out, I too felt the pain. My neck feeling like it was caught on fire with how bad it was burning. The sensation was more painful than anything I had ever experienced. It was as if my neck had snapped into two. Dropping to my knees I let out a scream as I could not handle this pain any longer. Staring at the ground I noticed the figure behind me start to move around my body. Then I saw it, the figure hovering below me near the ground, it was the same man that was atop the tree. I now was certain that it was in fact me. Though the version of myself I saw was nothing anyone should ever have to see. My face is covered in burns and wrinkles. As if I had been dropped in a pool of acid. I almost didn't recognize myself. The figure staring at me started to smirk, then jolted forward through my body. The force of this completely knocked me out. When I awoke I was standing atop the tree with a rope around my neck. 

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Game of The Week 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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San Diago Sleepers - 120.5

Vancouver Hart Foundation - 105.72

 

       Gene my young lad, you mad? Now this would usually be the part where I rip Gene’s fist holster into a million pieces but after the results of last week's niceness I will be holding myself back, no matter how tempting it might be. Okay maybe just one jab. Gene you sucked so much this week, (crowd: “How much did he suck?!”) that you put all of Alexis Texas’ blow jobs combined to shame. This game really was a nail biter though. Going into the Monday night game the Sleepers only had a 20% chance of winning. Kyler Murray would have to outscore a top 5 wide receiver by at least 22 points in order for the Sleepers to be victorious. Kyler thrashed the Seattle defense and the rest is history. The Hart Foundation might need to change their name to the Atlanta Falcons if you know what I mean. 

 

The Testosterone Award 

 

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The Overlook Hotel Vagina Bloods  - 157.32

 

       So I’m sitting there in our weekly advertising zoom call meeting with Dunkin Donuts, our current sponsor, and let me tell you, they were a little unsettled after hearing about my non verifiable history of donuts. They also not so nicely included that listening to my ad I crafted for them could only be compared to the feeling of having their balls dragged through a bed of broken glass that was on fire. Of course I defended myself by saying “Woah! That is harsh! Did you really have to go that far? Cut up nuts is one thing but on fire?! Fire?! That my good sir is too far.” So right then and there I quit the donut business. Found me something a little sweeter. Ohhhhh the joy of chocolate, or if you are familiar with one of my favorite movies, I Love You Man, or if you are a fan of the cocktapus injector Johnny Depp, you can pronounce it chocola. So let's cut the pitter patter and get atter. “This week's highest scorer award is brought to you by Toblerone. The only chocolate bar that is the accurate size of your dick. If someone sees you walking down the street with one of these bad boys, they are sure to know the real bad boy is in your pants. Forget about viagra as well, the testosterone embedded within this dildo of a candy bar is guaranteed to have you ripping through any sort of pant material you may be rocking that day. I also need to add a little legal disclaimer, Toblerone is in no way responsible for the ripping or tearing of trousers and is not liable to any forms of reimbursement. Toblerone is proud to bring to you the next generation of candy bars, the Toblertwo. This new state of the art chocolate bar is unlike anything you have ever experienced. We dont want to toot our own horn or anything by saying that we have eliminated the need for sex, but that is exactly what we have done. New technologies have made it so that we can guarantee an orgasm with every single bite, and not just from your privates, you will cum out of your mouth as well. Too much to handle? Stop being a pussy. The Toblertwo is sure to be a life changing product and we are extremely excited to be rolling it out to y’all. The best orgasm of your life is just a bite away. Enjoy!” 

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       Nailed it! As usual. No surprise there. As for scoring a lot of points, hello gorgeous. You are making me so very proud. You have been the beacon of light here on power rankings and boy do I love it when a plan comes together. The testosterone you showed in this past week's games was nothing short of admirable. Stop doubting your team big guy. Start being more like our sponsor and show off that massive cock of yours. Random thought to end things here, Since AJ is half black, does that lock him in for having a bigger hog than Alex? Just a thought, please get back to me if any of you have any incites. Would love to hear y’alls thoughts on the matter. 

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The Nut Kiss Award 

 

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Córdoba Gauchos - 88.96

 

       Cuervo….. My guy, my man, what is happening in Córdoba? Looks like this year for Swalloween you will be getting nothing but some good ole fashioned Cumpkin Pie, and by the way your team has been playing, I am certain there isn’t anything else you’d rather be guzzling down. You might have noticed that we have a change in the name of this award this week. No need to worry, everything will go back to normal next week. I just thought with it being Swalloween and all, we would make things a bit more festive. I would like to note that this is in no way a funny pun made on the name of this candy bar, the actual name is ‘Nut Kiss’. If you need further explanation I suggest going back and looking at how Joe and his team performed this week. I mean how in the world do you not know that Aaron Jones is not available? He is not even on my team and I heard of the news days before. Just pitiful if you ask me. You’re better than that Joseph. Stop kissing nuts and maybe your team will be back to prime shape. A good kiss ass is acceptable every now and then but a nut kiss….. That my dear young lad is never acceptable. Getting real close there to the saying “it’s not gay unless you touch tips”. Get your head and lips away from those nuts and start revving up that motor boat. You’re looking more like a “jack-ass-o-lantern” and need to be more like a “I’m putting my jack in your ass making you say ohh and causing your face to light up like a lantern.” 

 

       For this week's power rankings theme I went back and forth with many ideas. I just didn’t feel 100% confident with any of my ideas. Until I found it. The perfect theme to best summarize the beauty that is Swalloween. This week's theme is the best Swalloween costumes from the office. Enjoy. 

 

Rankings 

 

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10. Luxembourg Luxe Bidets (2-5)

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       Here we have a wild Andy Bernard dressing as not a lion or a cat, but a kitty. Chris after a solid start to the season has seen terrible performance after terrible performance from his guys. Mostert and Sanders both being out does not bode well for this team moving forward. He must now rely on a back-up running back to put up starter numbers. This team really needs to do a better job of utilizing the waiver wire as there has been a large number of running back options available for the taking. 

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9. San Diago Sleepers (2-5)

 

 

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       Macgruberrrrrrr! So here is the situation with this team, they made a plan entering into the season, this plan did not work out. They made a plan a few weeks in, and that plan also failed miserably. For this team to be able to reach the playoffs they really have to start being crafty, just like Macgruber. After some horrible draft decisions and a cock full of injuries, this team is going to need to claw its way through the rest of the season or the bomb is going to tick, and a bomb going tick is never good. Speaking of bombs, a little fact about myself that may or may not surprise you. When I was in highschool I made a works bomb. (If you are unfamiliar with that look it up.) I didn't want it to be a normal bomb, I wanted it to be bigger. So instead of using a 16 oz bottle, I used a 2-liter. Long story short the bomb exploded in my hands leaving burns all over my body. One of the worst experiences of my life. I now have a problem with loud noises. Gives me flashbacks. 

 

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8. Canadian Club (2-5)

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       Some may see Charlie Chapman, I see Hitler. You can’t fabricate a better comparison to Tony folks, it’s not possible. Through the years he has strong dicked his way into many trades with weaker league members leaving destruction in his path. Treating his players like jews who are expendable. Anyone and everyone is available for the right price. He just acquired himself a top tier WR and one that is underperforming but I do think he got the best of that trade. The Canadian Club is on a great path and will look to continue their winning streak this week. I will confidently say that you won that trade with our league's ape man. Hate to give you credit for anything, but it regarding Gene makes it all okay in my opinion. Good on you sir. 

 

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7. Vancouver Hart Foundation (4-3)

 

 

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       Gabe as Lady Gaga. What a sight. If only Gene were this theatrical. Think he would look pretty killer in that get-up. Gene I am going to be honest with you, I really don’t know why you made that trade. Sure I think it was a fair trade but that doesn’t mean it was mutually beneficial. You traded away two great WRs and now you are forced to play a mediocre receiver each week. It also leaves you with no WR worthy of being placed in your flex position, and we are in a half PPR league after all. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Your team has been on a tear and was looking like it was a real contender. That is all out the window now. To simply put it I am disappointed. Did your eyeball hairs block your vision when you were going to reject the trade? I need answers! The league needs answers! CEH’s usage is sure to drop once Le’veon is fully comfortable in the offense and Lamar is more concerned with winning games than putting up MVP stat lines. 

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6. Dallas Big D’s (3-4)

 

 

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       Just like Jim, Luke has had to craft his way through this season. After a number of injuries as well as a number of his star players underperforming, he has been forced to cut and paste as he’s gone. He has done a great job with it too if I may add. All of this might be a thing of the past though once this week is over, the NFL’s ponyboy is set to return next week. Once CMC is back in this lineup it’s going to be a scary sight. Spooky Lukey and his colossal dick are prepped to raw dog his way through the league from next week on. A boost in rankings could be ahead. 

 

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5. Córdoba Gauchos (4-3)

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       Big drop here folks. This team just two weeks ago was looking erecticus maximus, but times have changed. It is almost like a scene of a murder. Blood everywhere and the thought of just being happy he’s a part of this league. Mixon and Aaron Jones are both out. Ceedee is now as unreliable as it gets with Dak being down, and having a wild card in the flex is just a recipe for disaster. I really liked this team but now it is looking extremely uncertain whether this team will be able to make the playoffs or not. With a matchup this week against a very well endowed tropics team, I fear the hard times will continue to get worse for this Spanish team. 

 

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4. Zachary Douche Canoes (5-2)

 

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       Michael and his siamese twin. To me this is a perfect representation of what is happening with our Michael this season. It seems he has grown a second head and it is now calling the shots. Michael’s team looks phenomenal. He needs to continue to harness the power of his second head, or third if you know what I mean. I see no holes in this team. They are more hung than Zac Efron wearing a “rock out with your cock out” Swalloween costume. Gif below if you are unaware of what I am speaking about. 

 

 

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3. The HalloweenTown Halfmast Huggers (4-3)

 

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       Just like Dwight as a Jamaican zombie woman, Alex doesn’t need blades to cut a fool. I am quite certain Alex has dressed up as this before as well. I do not have facts to back this one up but it just makes sense. As you all know I have been very high on this team all season. I think they really under performed early on and are just now hitting their stride. I know that Michael has a better record than this team but I see the Halfmast Huggers finishing the season with a better record. He has been putting up great numbers and still has not been able to use Michael Thomas. It’s absurd. This team at full strength has the power to take down any mortal. 

 

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2. Flint Tropics (4-3)

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       This team is loaded. Sure to put a smile on anyone’s face who may be at the helm of it. This is no make shift team either, it took much planning to put together. Mark has done a hell of a job concockting this team. He has it all. Star players, good depth, and the ability to adjust week to week. I will say this though, I think I really messed up. I’m not just a little stitious, but I am superstitious. The jinx I placed on this team was me using my power irresponsibly. I wish I could take it back! I often wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat thinking of how I royally splooged this team. I would like to put it on the record that I apologize to the Fantasy Football gods. Mark does not deserve this drought. Also please allow for one of the Canadian teams to come in last place, football just does not belong there. It’s making the league look bad. 

 

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1. Eugene Dirty Beaches (6-1)

 

 

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       “Your feeble skills are no match for the dark side.” I am convinced Zach switched bodies with Anekan during the draft and went on to lead the dark side. Anyone who has stepped up to bat against Zach this year has trembled in fear of what lies ahead. His team seems to consistently put up just enough points to beat his opponent. He posts strong numbers each week and that doesn’t look like it will change anytime soon. His team is built around guys who will not dud. It may not be the flashiest bunch but that is no matter. This team does not have off weeks. They have yet to score less than 110 points in a game this season. 

 

       As always boys it is my pleasure to bring each and every one of you pleasure each week. My apologies for this week being a bit late. Got caught up with a lot of work stuff as well as the power being out at my house made it more difficult than normal to be able to come through for y’all. Until next time, The Headless Cocksman, signing off.