Welcome, welcome, you dirty sons of dirty bitches and fellow Swallowieners. Ya boi Mr. Crevice Crawler is back and more jazzed up than ever to deliver y’all some succulent banter in the form of Rankings. Eight games down and seven more to go. That being said, there are still a lot of things up in the air. In the great words of JR Smith, “Henny thing is possible''. The teams out front have continued to plow forward through their fields using nothing but their cocks as driving oxen. Meanwhile the middle of the pack has started to merge with the back. I see some slippin from a few of you gentlemen. Slippin is only okay when doing the following: Sliding, walking on ice, into a vaginal canal and across the hood of a car. What seemed to be six surefire playoff teams after the first few weeks of the season has become a very close race between the bottom six teams. I truly believe that at this point, it is very hard to predict who the last couple of teams will be in the playoffs. Hennyway, what sad news it was hearing about Ruggs, but if I know the NFL as well as I think I do, I am sure that there will be something along the lines of a two week suspension followed by him releasing a statement, and then him promptly returning to the field. You see in the NFL, as long  as you keep Goodell out of your mouth, no matter how bad your actions may be, you will be a-ok. A league so corrupt it is reminiscent of Yassine slipping me 20 binkies each week to try and boost his ranking. Nah i'm just kidding. Or am I? Guess you will just never know. 

 

       What I do know is that I have decided to share one of my many memoirs with y’all this week. Some of these are not the easiest to share so just know the vulnerability it takes for me to do so. Welcome to the mind of Dickens. Welcome, to Moon of Mis(t)ery. 

 

Present Day 

 

       I awoke on a Saturn day. Lights, cameras, nonstop flashes all around. I peaked down at my morning wood, saw that my penis was still my penis and let out a sigh of relief. I looked back at the flashing lights and could not shake the feeling that I was being watched. Turns out these lights, cameras and flashes did indeed have people behind them. My whereabouts you may ask? 100 galactic miles off the coast in an escape pod from my spaceship. The creature next to me? A dicklestick. An undiscovered carnivore from the 83rd moon of Jupiter. So how did this all come to be? What led me to this morning boner paparazzi extravaganza? Well…..

 

3 weeks prior

 

 

       I was 86 years into my space mission of searching moons inside of our galaxy for signs of life, or anything of use really. I had been unsuccessful thus far and morale was at an all time low. I had lost all hope. I had deemed myself a failure and was just about ready to quit when my ship’s internal system alerted me to something. His name is Bonavard and I guess technically we never did intercourse but phone sex was always on the table. He became my best friend and soulmate pretty early on into my mission.  A moon that was not in any of our space logs. It was Jupiters 83rd moon. Up until this point it was believed that Jupiter only had 82. My curiosity was at an all time high and I was going to get to that virgin land if it was the last thing I did. So I set the course. 

       I was so ecstatic that those next 32 hours of space travel were filled with more cum than Yassine’s pants when Mixon does anything better than rush for 2 yards. On the scanner it showed that I was approaching the moon, yet I could not see anything where my instruments said it was supposed to be. The closer I drifted towards the supposed location of the moon, doubts began to set in. I thought to myself “Have I really come all this way and blown my load countless times for it to all end like this?”. Then, at approximately 100 meters away from where it was supposed to be, my ship was sucked through some sort of force field. A brief moment of darkness was followed by a bright purple light. Before my eyes, through the glass, an atmosphere unlike anything I had ever seen before. It was as if this planet had nothing separating it’s ozone from space except for a 100 meters or so. I was immediately thrown into an untapped ecosystem. I flew closer to the surface and was still so enamored that I  was left speechless, couldn't even utter a word. Creatures were flying, water was seeming to fall off the sides, and the ground itself of the moon was a darker shade of pink. It was as if I entered into Elton Johns sex chamber. The whole atmosphere had a hue to it that made it seem as if the air itself had color to it. Everything was so pink and purple. 

       After a few minutes, Bonavard identified what looked to be a good landing spot and so we decided to make that ground zero. It was atop a large waterfall with a great vantage point. Bonavard let me know that the air composition was nearly identical to the air on earth and so there was no need to wear my suit. So there I was, fully naked, taking the first step for humankind on this completely untouched new land. It wasn't grass that I stepped foot on but it was similar, the only difference in it being much softer. I felt as though I was stepping on fur. My Dickens senses immediately started to tingle as I felt a gust of wind come up and over the waterfall. Though it did not seem as though it was wind, but rather the breath of a large creature. Curiously, I grabbed my glasses equipped with Bonavard and we made our way. We trekked our way to the edge of the waterfall and when I looked over the edge it was not what I presumed. Instead of seeing a body of water at the bottom, I saw myself. It was like I was looking into a mirror. I could see myself leaning over the edge. (This was the moment I realized I fucked up.) Spooked by it, I took a step back. I looked down at my hands and they were not hands, but my feet. I then looked at my penis and it was not a penis, but one of my hands. To make things worse it waved at me as if it had a mind of its own and like I was a friend that he saw. Was I tripping? Did this planet rearrange my genetic makeup? The panic began to set in. I was too afraid to look but I could physically feel my nipples moving around my body. Where would they stop? When I looked at my nipples, what was going to be there? So many questions were racing through my mind at a million miles per hour. Bonavard was doing his best to help calm me but to him everything was still completely normal. His view showed zero distortion of reality. Still panicking I decided to look down at my nipples and what did I see? 

 

My balls. 

 

       At that moment I knew that if I tripped and fell face first at any time, I would have a front row seat to the most painful thing I had ever experienced. (And believe me I know pain, you all heard about how I lost Anita to that wretched white moose, and don't even get me started with the cockapus.) Nothing in the academy had trained me for any of this. Luckily I had some experience with hallucinogens in my day and so I knew the best thing one can do when tripping balls is just to ride it out. So it was time to shred some gnar, catch me some barrels, and see where they lead. I figured that maybe if I lie down for a second, perhaps it would level me out and I would snap out of it. So there I was, laying on the most comfortable patch of grass, staring up at the purple sky having a moment of absolute peace. All of a sudden I thought to myself “MY PENIS, WHERE IS MY PENIS?”. I used my feet hands to feel around my body and I could not locate it. I then began to feel around my head bingo. My penis was now my left ear and here's the thing, I have never felt a penis with my foot, but I highly recommend it as it easily felt twice as big as it did when it was in my hand (perhaps that is why footjobs are a thing. I don't know, just a thought.) Anyways, I had found my penis and was able to get back to peace, or so I thought. I was unable to move my body anymore. I felt like I was one with the land. I was incapable of moving any part of me. I then felt a pop from my left ear, now penis. My eyesight was limited as I was staring straight up in the air and not able to move my head. My penis then appeared in my vision rocking my Bonavard glasses and was floating a couple feet above my head. My penis then multiplied. At first it just doubled into two, but then continued and two turned into four, then 8, then 16. It continued until there were nearly 50 of them. Once the multiplying was complete, all 50 of my penises rotated and on their backside had eyes and mouths. For the next, well what felt like a lifetime, my 50 penis’ reenacted every single Nicolas Cage movie from start to finish. By the end of it I felt as though I had never seen the true beauty of his acting prowess, but alas, after his 137th film concluded, my eyes were wide open. The man is a National Treasure through and through. 

       Once my gaggle of dicks finished the final production they formed a circle. At this point I had no idea which dick was my original dick. I had an idea though after one of them kicked this circle campfire sort of ordeal off with a breathtaking rendition of Country Roads by the great John Denver. A few lines in, the rest of the dicks joined in and began to dance around moving in a counterclockwise rotation. This movement along with the sound of their sweet serenade lulled me to sleep. Some time went by and then my eyes finally opened. Staring at the sky, reminiscing on what partook the evening before, I was unsure as to what happened. More importantly, what was real and what wasn’t. My dick was not floating above me, that much was certain. Next it was time to see if I had motor skills. I shimmied my body and everything seemed to be working. I sat up ready to leave this moon behind. This was until I looked at my legs and did not see my legs, but instead my arms. I thought to myself, “What the fuck is going on?”. I then quickly looked for my peins, though much to my disappointment, it was nowhere to be found. Did everything that I thought I dreamt actually happen. I just wanted to get out of there at this point, so I hobbled onto my arms and attempted to get to my ship. The only problem was that my ship was not where I landed it. 

       At this moment I was certain that I was going to die on this moon. I was trapped in a fantasy world with no clue if I was tripping or not. The only thing I could do was chart a course down the waterfall. I started to make my way, being very careful with each step of my hands as my nipples were, still in fact, my balls. One fall and it would all be over. The grass-like ground was coming to an end as a cinnamon colored sand laid ahead. I took a couple of steps onto the dirt and it was as if I woke up. My body parts, excluding my penis, were all back in place. Was it the grass that caused me to trip? I most certainly did not want to find out. Maybe being butt naked and not wearing shoes was the wrong call, it wouldn't be the first time. Upon this thought going through my head my feet began to burn as if the sand was on fire. I jumped back to the grass immediately. Weird thing was, everything felt alright. My body seemed to be in all the right places except of course my penis was still omitted from this very trying equation. Was it not the grass? What was reality? Again I thought to myself “what the fuck is going on?” There I am, thinking all is well when I look back up at the sand. The sand was completely gone. In fact everything was gone. I was standing in the vast nothingness. Imagine standing in the middle of the galaxy a billion miles away from the closest planet or star. From there it only got worse, I looked down at the ground and was taken back by the sight of my body being gone, as it turns out, my head had been repositioned to where my penis was. I was nothing but a dickhead having the worst day imaginable, standing in what could only be described as a VR experience. I could not take the torment any longer. I took two steps forward and found myself back on the sand. I was not about to step back onto that grass another time so it looked like it was hot feet for me. I took off running for a tree line about 500 yards away. This cannot be proven but I did so in just under 17 seconds. I called sports science and left them a message about it but they have yet to get back to me. Either way, I made it to the treeline and found myself in a forest more lush than the hair on Gene’s blood cells. 

Instead of brown tree bark and green leaves, well instead of trees at all, it was a forest of human shaped plants. The leaves were made solely from their body hair. None seemed to be alive as they had no faces, but all were in different positions. Never did I ever think I would ever see bushes so big in my life. The world's largest rose bush spans 9,000 square feet and let me tell ya, that thing has nothing on these bushes I was laying my eyes on as I walked deeper and deeper into this forest. While walking, I heard some shuffling from one of the nearby bushes. Was it my penis? Was it a creature? I had to find out. So I went to the leg attached to said bush and began my climb. Up the shin, past the knee and all the way to the upper thigh. I pushed some of the bush out of the way and peared in to see what lay behind. Inside was a Dicklestick. The cutest most adorable turquoise blue animal I ever did see. It looked like the combination of a weiner dog and a koala. As a sign of love, I bowed to it. He then in turn bowed to me. Sounds were exchanged and we found ourselves at a general understanding. 

       What happened next is something that shocked me to my core. The Dicklestick morphed. It morphed into a bird and began to start flying out of the bush when I yelled “No, please, I need your help”. It turned around and landed in front of me. He asked what I might need help with, but to my chagrin, I was so caught up on his ability to change shape that I wanted to see more of this magic. So I asked what else he could turn into. He changed and changed and changed. The list of things he turned into ranged from a tea cup to an 8 month pregnant polar bear. I had one more request, I asked if the dicklestick could turn into a human. Much to my surprise it morphed into my sexy ass 6th grade Spanish teacher Miss Villasaña. At that moment our eyes met and that was that. We made love all night in that bush. He was also able to morph others and gave me a penis so that we could correctly pleasure one another. We made it our playroom and boy oh boy was that room played in. I was awoken in the morning by crabs snipping at my feet. I turned to my right and the dicklestick was back to his original form. I asked if he could still help me and he obliged. The goal was to find my ship. So naturally he morphed back into Miss Villasaña and we conoodled for 6 more hours and then made our way. Upon reaching the edge of the forest we were met by a menacing looking bird that was enormous in size. It’s wingspan had to have reached 75 feet easily. The dicklestick pushed me to the side and morphed into a 50 foot tall Siberian tiger. I was astonished by the size it was capable of growing into and once I smelled its familiar breath, I put it together that it must have been this dicklestick that was the cause of the wind when I was atop the waterfall. The dicklestick thrashed the bird in no time. After defileing its corpse, he was ready to continue. The thing about the dicklestick species is that they love to fuck. That much I knew. 

       So we headed out of the forest, the dicklestick told me that he had seen my ship in what he called the fields of things. He led me there and what I found was devastating. It was a graveyard of space gear. Too many spaceships to count. I asked the dicklestick what happened to the pilots and he showed me his jagged teeth and then gave me a kind of smirk and wink. I said “woah woah woah, are you going to kill me? After all the love making? After all the sweat we mixed?” He responded by nodding his head. I said “No sir, you will not, not me, dicklestick you know me, you know how much you mean to me, please, I will do anything, I don’t even have a dick, do not allow for me to be a man that dies without his dick.” The Dicklestick then reached his arm into his asshole and pulled out ole Dickens Jr. There my dick was, in all of its three and a half inch glory. I was staring at it and it was staring back at me. He so carefully attached my penis to my body and at that moment all felt right in the world. I continued to plead my case but he was not having any of it. He wanted to eat me. He was going to eat me. Then out of nowhere a female dicklestick appeared. Turns out this was an old fling of dicklestick one and he had been trying for weeks to get away from her. She was following him everywhere and he could not shake her. I suggested perhaps he could come with me on my ship and we could escape together. He begged and begged and said “Please, please, please take me with you. I cannot deal with this bitch any longer.” I made him promise that he wouldn't eat me and he agreed. After a small distraction, we made a mad dash to my ship. We took off and it looked like we were home free. Too bad the female dicklestick found her way onto the ship. The faceoff was as epic as could be between the two dicklesticks with their mastering of the morph. The shit I saw was unbelievable. At one point I witnessed an 8 foot tall penis fighting a 12 foot tall Tony, oops, I meant labia. At another I was watching a 100 peso bill fight a homeless mexican man. When things started to get interesting I was knocked out by one of the dicklestick’s jellyfish tentacles. The next thing I knew, I awoke. That about catches you up, the only question is, which Dicklestick was it that was in my arms? 

 

The End

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Game of The Week

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Washington Foreskins - 118.56

Dallas Big D’s - 115.6 

 

       This game really did come down to the wire. These two phallus guided teams were at each other's dongs all weekend. It was a true clash of cocksmiths. Dallas pulled a leftward sloping curveball Monday afternoon and subbed in a TE and boy did that make things as interesting as the time I sneezed and farted at the same time in 7th grade in front of the whole class. Going into the Monday night game the Foreskins had a commanding lead. Though going against the the bonerific pair of Hung Hill and Meat Slinger Mahomes will always have the opposing team shooketh with doubt. Mahomes was just one touchdown away from giving this Dallas team the win in this dastardly battle for the Cocksman Cup. Everyone else playing did what they needed to do, even Evan Engram, the last minute substitution, put up a very solid 9 points in the contest. Yet, Mahomes came up short on that last drive and sent Dallas packing. Both teams had players perform at all different levels. In a week that these two heavy dickers faced off, it was pretty wild to see both of them have similar mishaps across their lineups. 

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Tiger King Award 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Atlanta Chokers - 148 

 

       After weeks of pleading my case to various corporations, I have finally landed us a new sponsor, boys and girls. None other than Netflix itself. You heard me. Netflix. The studio/streaming service that brought us Dick Box, Peaky Peckers , Outer Wanks, Cockzarks, Making A Masterbater, Suck My Squid Games, Army of The Speads, Stranger , The Piss Pipe Punisher, Scrotum Heist, The Cumbrella Academy, Shlongless, Stranger Thingys, Bonerton, House of Gnards, Sperm Force, Brojobs Are The New Straight, Santa Chodeita Diet, Last Crank U, Tiger King and countless other fan favorites. As it turns out there is a new season of Tiger King coming out this November. So the great people over at Netflix have thrown copious amounts of cash my way to give a little synopsis of what you can expect in the upcoming season. So without further ado, here is a word from this week's sponsor. 

 

       “This week’s power rankings are brought to you by Netflix. A platform that has brought you banger after banger for the better part of the last decade. The studio that helped get you through the Pandemic. The service that is there for you on those nights that you ask to chill, but but really want to get your fuck on. Netflix has single handedly aided probably 10 million births since it’s launch. It has just about completely wiped the need for setting the mood, because when that dun dun sound chimes, you bet your ass there is going to be a plethora of blasting fingers. The greatest wingman to have ever existed is here and ready to bring you part 2 of one of the nations favorite binge worthy sagas. On November 12th, the man, the myth, the sex icon, Mr. Tiger King himself will make a return to the big screen in what has already been dubbed the greatest 6 hours in television history and of course will only be able to be viewed on Sexflix. Joe Exotic is back and more flaming and colorful as ever. Word is, he blows a tiger on camera. Apparently it was able to be shown because Joe himself does not classify it as a sexual act but instead art. Carol Baskin or shall I say Karen Baskin is back and if you thought she was a lolly gobbler in the first season, you are in for a real treat. She is keen to bask in the glory of killing her husband and take full advantage of rubbing her nonprison coochy all up in Joe’s face. This season promises to have twice the amount of tiger fornication as part one. It will also introduce some new characters. Such as the tiger fucker, four ball bill, sexual assault victim #3, Crux the Crafter, and so many more. There will also be an in depth look at just how many baby tigers Joe Exotic has pet while in jail. In a quote from Joe himself about the upcoming season he said “This season will make you shit a log, eat that log, shit it out again, wrap yourself in it like a blanket, throw it in the oven for 45 minutes on 400, wear it as an appran, smack your own ass, rub a little dirt on it, and fuck a tiger.” Well said if I do say so myself. If that doesn't make you want to watch this upcoming season, the only possible explanation is that you have a small peen syndrom. Thank you to this week's sponsor Netflix.”

 

       Now for the reward recipient…. Somebody get the jizz sock, because Yassine has a Tyrannosaurus sized load and I am willing to bet he is unable to keep that level of yoke in. This baby giraffe is ready to bust his egg at any given moment. The chokers have been riding the wave of two backup running backs the last couple of weeks and those waiver wire additions are really paying off. The Addition of Megatron The Second AKA Dick Body AKA DK Metcalf has helped propel this team to new highs. Even with Chubb underperforming this team was able to put together a hell of a week. Mixon continues his rainbow unicorn run of not sucking and the Brady - Godwin connection is one that is stronger than the winds of a Japanese typhoon. This team indeed has sauce, the origins of this sauce though are still up for discussion. After seeing those mirror selfies, we really cannot rule out anything regarding the habits of our dear Yassine in his free time. 

 

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Carol Baskin Award 

 

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West Coast Avengers* - 96.16 

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*Awards are only given to teams who set their lineups and show signs of participation. Any dispute will be gladly responded to with a swift pinky in the opposers brown starfish. Good day. I SAID GOOD DAY!  - J Dickens 

 

       I am not sure what is happening in the West Coast but it is not good. This week they continued their streak of performing like a wet sausage fresh off of a skim milk bender. The Avengers had a total of 13 points scored by their two starting RBs. They started Gronk who put up a goose egg. I will say, he did get hurt, and that did indeed help him not get the Heath Miller Award. Tonyan put up 6.4 and Hopkins put up 7.6. This was just a piss poor week all around. Their kicker almost outscored their QB and they’re defense put up 0 points against Trevor Semen. Never is it a good day when Trevor “The Semen” Semen thrashes your defense and beats your defending champs. This performance was a Baskin if i’ve ever seen one.

 

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Heath Miller Award 

 

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Emmanuel Sanders - 0.0

 

       In as Heath Miller fashion as it gets, Sanders put up the infamous 0.0. An occurrence more rare than Alex finishing a marvel movie without finishing. Sanders failed to bring in a single one of his four targets in Sunday’s game. The Dolphins are a meaty matchup for any wide receiver as they are allowing the most receiving yards to opposing teams in the NFL. All of this and Sanders stepped up to the plate and shot nothing but blanks unfortunately. This was the first no-catch outing of Sanders' career. What a fuckin stat line. Is it a coincidence that this happened shortly after the Heath Miller Award was brought back? I’m not sure but I am quite sure the word has gotten around and people have become fearful of this award. 

 

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Michael Vick Award 

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Michael Carter - 27.7 

 

       Over doubling his projected points, Carter had himself a protagonist week. He turned 14 targets into 9 catches and 95 yards along with 77 yards on the ground and a touchdown. Mike White came into the game like a white rhino, horny and ready to fuck, and boy did he deliver. In a game where he threw for 400 yards, Carter was by far his favorite target. He was checking down to him more often than Gene checks the bottom of his feet to see if he has to shave their 5 oclock shadow. Carter has shown promise all season and it looks as though it was not himself that was to blame for the early season woes, but the offense he is in. Now that Mike White is at the helm, I am sure that this is not the last big performance by this young star.

 

       This weeks theme is all about our sex crazed brtheren in the animal kingdom. The facts you are about to read will surprise you. I cannot stress this enough, everything you are about to read is 100% scientific fact. So feel free to fact check me or look into any of this further. Please do your best not to get too hard while you continue to read. The task is not an easy one but I have faith that all of you gentlemen are more than up for it. 

 

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Rankings 

 

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10. Pawnee Swansons (3-5)

 

 

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Flatworms 

 

       Flatworms are an interesting species. They are proud creatures. Ones that have both male and female productive parts. This means when it is time to mate, who daddy is going to be and who mommy is going to be is decided by a battle for the ages. Two worms face off, in a manner similar to a fencing match, except instead of a saber, they use their dicks. The goal is to break the others dick off. This is how they decide who is going to be the male. The male then impregnates the newly changed female and then continues on. He then will take part in battle after battle until he loses and then becomes a pregnant female. What a life this would be. Sword fighting with your penis each day until you one day you lose and become a pregnant chick. As it seems, Michael was victorious in remaining the male for the first few weeks of the season but has since had his dick broken and as a result is now pregnant. It seems the birth of his triplets has clouded his desire to attempt a repeat. He has not set his lineup in about three weeks now and that is really all that needs to be said about this team and their trajectory moving forward. I just want Justin Jefferson man. I am gladly willing to bend over and allow whatever to happen for him. 

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9. Hill Valley Mandeloreans (2-6)

 

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Kangaroos 

 

       Now you may have heard of how snakes have two penis’, but that has been one upped. Kangaroos have three vaginas, or what has been dubbed as the triple jay. They have a middle vagina and two side vaginas. The two side vaginas are used for taking in the sperm while the middle vagina is where they give birth. This makes me think, I wonder in the case of a threesome, and both side vaginas were being stuffed, which male kangaroo would be victorious in the pregnating process. Now for Gene, the question still remains, does he have a penis, or is it in fact just a big vagina or perhaps three large vaginas that give off the illusion of a bulge. I am willing to draw the short straw and do an excursion down to the Brown Yeti’s southern alps just to get to the bottom of this. I would be a proud volunteer to be called into this endeavor in the name of science. To show my seriousness, I am willing to pay. I’ll fuckin do it. Gene if you are reading this, blink if you accept. As for this team, it is a bit of a head scratcher. Hill Valley has players with big names and who can put up big numbers, but this season there has really only been one or two weeks where the team performed well across the board. The Mandeloreans have also made some highly speculated trades this season and have not seen greener days after any of them. Robinson has been a complete dud. This team's only claim to fame besides the hair per capita of their manager is the fact that Cooper Kupp is playing at a level only seen in legend. 

 

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8. Flint Tropics (2-6)

 

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Pandas 

 

       Pandas are apparently animals who do not have much sex. They are creatures with not a very high sex drive according to scientists. To help them along, zoologists and animal specialists will actually show pandas a video of pandas having sex and this will in turn get them in the mood. So basically these pandas are shown panda porn and that is what gets them going. Not only have they had to rely on this tactic, they have also used performance enhancers such as Viagra to help them get in the love making mood. Much like these pandas, The Tropics started out this season with some issues in the getting it up department. This has changed the last few weeks though, they have been consistently putting up string numbers and their team is looking like horned up pandas ready to get it on. Elijah Mitchell and Damien Harris have looked like a couple of bulls in a used tampon shop lately and there is blood everywhere. Jeudy is now back to being active and I am sure will see a hefty flow of targets from this point on. I Look across this team's roster and I gotta be honest, I like what I see. I am a firm believer that this team is going to have an extremely strong finish to the year. 





 

7. NY Hibernating Giants (2-6)

 

 

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Sheep 

 

       Turns out, Sheep are apart of a very small group of mammals that are homosexual. Per capita, I believe they are actually the gayest mammals on the planet. It is said that one in six sheeps are gay. So if you happen to see two sheeps getting their furry on, odds are, it is two dudes. This is actually causing a real problem for farmers. When they are attempting to have their sheep mate, they will not do it. These farmers are finding that their male sheep have no taste for females. A recent study was even done where they put a ram into a cage with 30 females and the ram did not touch a single one, but instead attempted to break out of the cage and into the male cage next to it. Another homosexual that comes to mind is my guy Tony. Tony is a cockenter like no other, his knowledge of wood is unmatched. His ability to fassen finger joints with one hand and pop the hinge with the other is marveled upon by all wood specialists. Speaking of hardwood, CMC is scheduled to be back this week and it could not be at a better time. The Giants have been looking better recently but have been all the way there. With CMC back in the lineup I am sure they will be back to their winning ways in no time. This week should be a tough one though against their rival as they are down Gibson, Evans, Kittle and possibly Prescott. Though in great news, they do have a RB with the name McNipples. I am 90% sure that I read that correctly. Another positive is that they are easily winning the Henderson - Allen trade. Henderson is staying healthy and slashing defenses like a young Freddy Cougar. 

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6. West Coast Avengers (4-4)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Antechinus 

 

       The Antechinus is a marsupial mouse. Imagine if you had one shot, one opportunity, to impregnate a female, would you grab her by the hips, or splooge it down the drain. In the Forests of Australia, The Antechinus does just this every spring. In an event more cum filled than a PCB spring break trip or even a Springstein 97 tour stop, these mice get to fuckin harder and longer than I guarentee any of y’all have ever heard of. These males will fuck non-stop for 3 weeks. They partake in 14 hour sex fests where they will not stop pumping until their heart does. They will literally fuck until they die. In a lot of cases, these mice will go blind and start to bleed internally. This does not stop them though, not for a second. They will go and go and go and go and go. Go until their body is dormant of any fluid. Talk about a way to go out. By the end of this three week period, all male antechinus will be dead. In similar fashion, the Avengers seemed to fuck and fuck and fuck at the start of this season. It turned out to be quite the disaster as they fucked a little too much. They are now laying half dead with only the memory of those good ole fuckin days. Dalvin is all sorts of fucked out. At this point I think Julio has to consult his doctor to see if he is healthy enough for sex. Mark Ingram hasn't stopped getting fucked all season. Gronks sexual activity has been at all time highs since birth and his body is starting to show some serious fuck, I mean wear. Rodgers fucked the bears and then fucked covid and now covid is fucking him. Hopkins, Hopkins is alright. So as you can see, as I so eloquently stated above, is the fuckitude that this team is currently fucking. Fuck. 

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5. Baja Golden Piranhas (4-4)

 

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Porcupine 

 

       Many might wonder how it is that porcupines engage in intercourse that is sexual. The answer is very carefully. It all begins with some good ole classic urination. You heard me. Urination. To get the female porcupine in  the mood, the male will piss all over her. This in turn gets her nasty ass as horned up as a Texas Longhorn fan. As kinky as the day is long if you ask me. A golden shower as a mating ritual is one that should be envied by all other species. Though, it is not all sunshine and rainbows once the urine is spread. If the female does not like the pheremones that it gives off, she will go and find another male to pee on her. Should the rain from the main vein be accepted by the female, she will expose her non-quilled underbelly and allow the male to dive in. No stranger to gold are these Piranhas. They are not shy and are ready to let their piss missile spray any foe that comes in range. Unfortunately though they are led by Daniel “has probably been pissed on multiple times in his life” Jones. This is a real hindrance in my eyes. They have the WRs and RBs but without a proper leader at the head, the secretions have zero direction. Michael Carter had himself a week and with Mike White at the helm I fully believe this sunshine will continue. Baja does have a tough matchup this week against a fully hard Foreskins team and to make matters worse, they are down both Mclaurin and Collins due to byes. A win this week and that could change the course of this team moving forward. These pissers are ready to get to pissin and guess what Zachary, my mouth is wide open. As Moses once said, “Let it rain, let it rain.”

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4. Dallas Big D’s (4-4)

 

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Tortoise 

 

       The Tortoise. A creature that has been love making for centuries. They are said to have the stamina of an adolescent fox. Though this is not what we are here to talk about. What we are here to talk about are the noises they make while doing the nasty. Their love sounds can carry for miles and can linger on for 10-20 minutes. The sounds they make during sex are so marveled upon that they have actually made their way to the big screen. It’s true, I am in no way fucking with y’all. Tortoises sex sounds have been used in many shows and movies. I am positive all of y’all have heard these sounds before but am even more positive that you had no idea what it was that the sound engineers used to create them. The answer, Tortoise sex. This list includes the dragons in Game of Thrones and the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. So every time you heard menacing growls by these dragons and velociraptors, it was actually tortoises having sex. The only other species on earth that I know of to have the ability to generate this level of seismic activity while romping in the hay are the Dicks out of Dallas. Boy do they know their way around the erogenous zones of a female. Whether it be human, reptile, or a hermaphroditic sport ball, the folk from Dallas are here to turn up the volume. Dallas has had a couple of missteps the last few weeks but I am sure that they are going to get back up and grab that shell firmly and get to pumpin once again. They’re whale penis of a RB Derrick Henry being down for the unforeseeable future is a massive blow but fortunately for them, They were able to scoop up the moose dick that is Adrian Peterson. Kareem Hunt should be back soon and the addition of AJ Brown has been as bountiful as a plum tree on the third day of august. Going forward if Dallas is able to play the right RBs each week I am sure they will have no trouble cruising to the playoffs. 

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3. Córdoba Gauchos (5-3)

 

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Otters 

 

       So you think otters are cute huh? Well I am happily here to ruin this perspective you may have. Turns out, Otters are dickheads, like major major assholes. First piece of evidence is their habit of forcing sex. The males are known to hold the females heads underwater as well as bite their faces and force them into submission during sex. They will even force themselves onto pups who have not even reached sexual maturity yet. This results in many female otters dying each year. The second piece of evidence is how it is not just female otters who are unsafe but in fact all creatures in their ecosystem. They force themselves on creatures such as baby seals and do the deed as aggressive as ever. They bite and mangle these seals and have their way with them. The third piece of evidence, Necrophilia. Just because an otter is dead, does not mean a fellow otter is going to stop. As I said, they are severely fucked up animals. They will go and go and go and have their way with any counterpart in any which way they like, whether they are dead or alive. These Gauchos too are savage. They are cock rippers and blood sippers. Not an ounce of pussy can be found in them. A tip of their hat and they are sure to have any female bending over back. I have said it before and I will continue to say it moving forward. I fucking love Deebo Samuel. Seeing him doing well gets my jollies so jolly that you might as well call me Panty Clause. They find themselves in an advantageous position this week as they face the Swansons being down a RB and having to start Drake. My only concern with this team is their lack of depth. The bench of those Gauchos might as well be a week old carcass left behind by an otter. If they were to lose one of their star RBs it would be extremely hard to recover. 

 

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2. Washington Foreskins (7-1)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Elephants 

 

       Now a lot of you read my article on the magic thing that elephants call their penis last year, but I am back with some oh so juicy facts. Weighing in at 60-70 pounds, the bazooka an elephant calls a penis is not just a tool for sex. Perhaps they have an itch that they can’t scratch or perhaps there is a pesky fly buzzing that they cannot reach. How do they help themselves out in these situations? Well, they use their penis. You see, the elephant has full range of motion with its dick. It might as well be another leg, and it just so happens that sometimes they use it as such. Their dick is absurdly long and stable enough that they can use it as an extra leg to stand on or use it to help them stand taller when trying to get something out of a tree. Their dicks are so amazing that during sex they do not even need to move their hips, they just simply need to hold on and that is that. Their penis is basically motorized as it is able to do all the fuckin and thrustin needed. Speaking of museum worthy yogurt slingers, these foreskins are off to the best start of any season they have ever had. The luck of the cock seems to be in their corner as Robinson escaped what could have been a serious injury during last week's game. After trading away two RBs, this team does not have many more that they are able to lose. With the news of Calvin Ridley pulling a Simone Biles, Kyle Pitts stock has skyrocketed. If Matt Ryan is able to properly use that noodle he calls an arm, he could easily be a top 3 TE the remainder of the season. Michael Pittman JR is looking like a cock that is harder than diamond. He is playing exceptionally well and his connection with Wents is becoming silky. Keenan Allen is and forever will be old reliable and Nahjee Harris, I mean, what is there to even say, I mean the man isn't even hard, he is so past hard that any comparisons to an erection would be an insult. This team as it stands has no holes and looks primed to continue their dominance. 

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1. Atlanta Chokers (7-1)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Alligators 

       You know when you take Viagra and then 8 hours later you’re like “hmmm, I don’t think something is right, my peen should be a string bean but instead is at a 90 degree lean.” Well, for Alligators, they never have this problem. The reason, they are erect at all times. They keep it inside their body and when ready to mate, it springs out as if it is attached to a rubber band. (Side note: their balls are located in their chest right next to their kidneys.) These dinosaur like creatures rome the earth always ready for anything it seems whether it is a tassel with a lion, a scrap with a snake, or a romp in the pond with a sex crazed female. I guess it makes sense when you think about it, I mean they have been on the planet long enough, they know how to get through life the right way. Just like an alligator, Yassine has been fully erect for the entirety of this season. It all started when he drafted Mixon, and then, he drafted Sanders, and from there it was written in the stars. The hardness was locked and loaded with nowhere to go. Brady having quite possibly the best season of his career made him a draft pick that is easily going down as one of the best of the year. Acquiring DK was massive for this team as well, he is basically a boner disguised as another boner that is disguised as a juiced up rhino. My main concern with this team is their current reliability of two backup RBs. Once the starters are back, and they become useless once again, this team will most definitely feel the pain. This team has the umph but with the Foreskins breathing down their necks, Atlanta hopes to take a page out of the Braves playbook and not choke.