Just Mother Fucking Do It
Yada yada yada, you know the jist. J Here. No time for nonsense. Not this week. We are going to get right into it. I figured with us being about halfway through the season, you boys and girls could use a lil pump up or motivational message if you will to help rejuvenate spirits leading into the latter part of the year. Also 2020 has been fucked and there is nothing I hate more than to see the bad outshine the light. Be prepared to want to light your balls on fire gentlemen, you are about to enter the J spirit realm. This goes out to anyone in need of a little upgraded oomph in their step.
You know I have tried to wrap my mind around this concept all week. Going back and forth with different things, wanting each and every sentence to sound perfect and blend seamlessly with one another. Yet I have found myself more lost than when I started. Just like this speech I want to give to you gentleman, life ain't perfect. So this is me, speaking to each of you, as raw and uncut as can be.
​
Every great man has a story. One of turmoil and perseverance. A great man is an individual who does not let doubt or the word ‘no’ define them. They do not let any failure get them down and they laugh in the face of any naysayers telling them that they are crazy. Everything in life is a choice. You can either make the choice of allowing yourself to believe the excuses you have instilled in your own mind or choose the path of strength. The one that is hard. The one that others are too afraid to embark on. Excuses sound best to those who come up with them. I will say that again, excuses sound best to those who come up with them. What you tell yourself is what you believe, and even though you may believe it, it is often far from the truth, but lies. Everything in life is developed through time spent, so if you spend your time doubting yourself and coming up with excuses for why you shouldn't do something then you will be the product of exactly that. But why not? Why can't you do it? Is it because you are too tired? Didn't get enough sleep? Fear of what others would think? Or is the answer you? You are the only person that can define you. So many are afraid of risk. Of putting themselves on the line and creating the opportunity for embarrassment or failure. They allow for this to outweigh the image of what their life would be like if they took the risk. Risk gentlemen, that is what robs people of them reaching their full potential. Because you see dreams without pursuit and action, will forever be, only dreams. Only thoughts that will never come to fruition and that you will take to your grave. That great idea or action that you took that you would forever be remembered for will never even have a chance of becoming reality because you were too scared. Is that how you want to be remembered? For not doing anything at all? For going about your life in an ‘okay with settling’ and ‘everything is okay mindset’? Each person was put on this planet for a reason and yet less than .1% of people actually have the will power and determination to find out what that is. It takes grit. It takes hard work. Accepting inner excuses is easy and this isnt that. It's hard. It's grueling. Do you have the guts to fail? Do you have the courage to fall straight on your face and keep going? Because I am here to tell you that you do. What is the worst that could happen? You ended up exactly where you are now with more life experience? Each failure is a step closer to success. Have you come this far in life to quit? Everyone goes through shit. Small, large, on a daily basis. It all has purpose, it all has meaning. The ones who succeed are the ones who look deeper in order to discover what that true meaning is. The ones who take each life lesson learned and apply it to their next move. To have something you have never had, you have to do something that you have never done. What others are not willing to do. If you could go back, and live your life over again, would you do it the same? Or would you change how hard you worked or the decisions that you made along the way. That is how you need to look at the rest of your life. That is how you will change your future. Everyday matters. What you do today will dictate tomorrow, and the next day. If you do what is easy, your life will be hard. But if you do what is hard, your life will be easy. It is easy to give in, easy to make up excuses, easy to just go about your business with a settled mindset. Facing the hardships head on is difficult, but that is what great men do. That is what separates them from being good or average. They grab those hardships by the balls and learn themselves a thing or two.Everyday you wake up, life is waiting, ready to kick you in the face and beat you down in the worst ways imaginable. But here’s the thing, tough times don't last, tough people do. If you think you are better than where you are currently at or think you have a greater worth than what you are being shown, what are you doing to fix it. What are you doing to change your path? To change your destiny? You have to prove it. You have one shot at life, just one. Are you going to be at the end looking back on everything you have accomplished with pride or are you going to be riddled with the thought of what if. Negativity never goes away, it does not matter how successful you may become. The most successful people in history are oftentimes the most criticized. This is why it is so vital for our minds to be stronger. Stronger than anything that may come our way. This is how we are built. Built to withstand and endure. So why are you not acting like it? The only limits you have in life are the ones you place on yourself. Anything can be overcome if you yourself will it. Life is not about the destination, but the journey. It is the journey that defines the man, not their accomplishments or possessions they have at the end of life, but what they overcame and the manner they did so in. So embrace the struggle, love the hurdles, and stop thinking about all the places you could be if they weren't in your way. Each and everyone of you in a freight train capable of smashing your way through any wall that lies ahead. You just have to kick it into high gear rather than pumping the breaks. We are built to achieve. In life, it is always go time. So what are you waiting for? The rest of your life, your best life, is just waiting for you to seize it. But you and only you are able to make it so. No one else will be blamed for you not achieving success. It is on your shoulders gentlemen. Time to start doing some heavy lifting.
​
Game Of The Week
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
A quick look at this week's game and it isn't hard to see that well…. There wasn’t one. Every game was an absolute slaughter. The closest margin of victory was 27 points. A complete onslaught by the winning teams. So instead of writing about any of the games I decided to include a few gifs that are sure to represent each game.
The Cum And Go Award
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
Dallas Big D’s - 152.44
Just like our sponsor for this week's power rankings, sponsorships cum and go. Just as quickly as they enter, they pull out and that’s that. Now I was needed to be convinced a good bit before accepting this company's offer to sponsor this week's rankings. After a better explanation from my agent of how this was not a prostitution business, I was irate and vowed to never do rankings again. My jollies went from floating in the clouds to being dragged across barnacles. After hours of persuasion from my agent along with hours spent with the hooker he bought for me, my mind has been changed. I am sure I can shed some positive light on this gas station franchise, so let’s get it goin. “This week's Juggercock award is brought to y’all by our good friend and sponsor Kum & Go. 50 years ago we opened our doors and after much deliberation, believed we landed on the most perfect company name. Some early on suggestions included Squirt & Skirt, Ejaculate & Evacuate, Bust A Load & Hit The Road, Insert Your Meat & Off You Yeet, Tap That Ass & Hit The Gas, Fuck Her & Chuck Her, Spray Your Jizz & Off You Whizz, Shoot & Scoot, Toot It & Boot It, Beat It & Beat It, Knock It & Rocket, Pounce & Bounce, Screw & Scram, Rock Her Box & Change The Locks, Cum In The Beave & Then You Leave, Pound The Beaver & Leave Her, Skeet & Retreat, Get Dome & Head Home, Nut On Her Back & Leave Not Tracks, Nut On Her Face & Leave With Haste, Breed & Proceed, Dump Your Glue & Give Her The Shoe, Creampie & Goodbye, Ram & Scram, Release Your Seed & Need For Speed, Oof & Poof, Unload Your Dump & Forrest Gump, Cure The Erection & End The Connection, Shoot Your Gun & Leave Your Son, Hit It From The Back & Never Look Back, Hit It Raw & Yeehaw, Plow & Cachow, Paint Her Face & Close The Case, Release The Cracken & Send Her Packin, Hit The Kitty & Leave The City, Give Her A Good Spray & Then Up Up And Away, Give Her A Jolt & Usain Bolt, Insert Your Weenie & Harry Houdienee, Lube Her & Uber, Jizz & Off You Is, Put It In Her Ass & Foot On The Gas, Rail & Bail, Bust Your Nard & Disregard, Empty Your Juices & Throw Up The Dueces, Wet Your Paddle & Skadaddle, Get Dome & E.T. Phone Home, Make Her Foam & Shalom, Afternoon Delight & Catch Flight, Deflower & Cower, Bend Her Over & Forget You Drove Her, Bulldoze Her & Call Your Chaufer, Motorboat & Float, Bloat Her Throat & Leave Her Afloat, Spray Your Finishing Coat & Go Remote, Put Your Sword In Her Stone & Bequeath The Throne, Unload Your Baby Batter & Scadatter, Sauce & Toss, Jelly In Her Deli & Escape The Smelly, Flood The Moat & Leave By Boat, Feed Her Man Chowder & Hit The Horse Power, Splooge Inside & Roll Like The Tide… And so on. As you can see we put effort into everything we do. After all, you can’t spell Kum & Go without ‘do’. Also gonad, dong, moan and damn. All of which have great significance to the Kum & Go Experience. Any time of the night, all of our doors will be wide open for you to cum in. We offer an assortment of snacks and beverages as well. None of which contain high fructose porn syrup of any kind. We are all about promoting a healthy lifestyle and making sure you and your body are in tip top shape. Our goal is to take care. In the mood for something to chill your throat? Come try our award winning homemade penis colada. Both the cumming and going part of the experience is completely up to you. We will warn you though, in order for you to use the restrooms you must sign a waiver before entering for legal purposes, if you have to ask why, maybe you should just keep on going. This palace of cum is not for you. For those looking for a nice asian massage parlor vibe this is the place for you. Come see for yourself at any Kum & Go. Kum & Go, Where the hello is always harder than the goodbye.”
Again thank you to our sponsor Kum & Go. Now to the foosball. Lucas Maximus put on a dominating showing this past week. Putting up huge numbers without his best player. (Who he gets back next week. CMC - AKA - Cradle My Cock. Opponents beware) Luke has done a hell of a job filling the gaps on his team and recovering from the horrific showmanship of some of his early draft picks. If you encounter this beast either on the field or in the wild be careful, for his dick will always be bigger, and always reign supreme.
​
The Your Clark Is Bigger Than Your Bite Award
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
San Diago Sleepers - 69.38
How brutal was this week for the Sleepers. I guess one positive came out of it and that is that they scored 69 points. Only problem is that unlike a nice mutual 69 where both parties are good and pleasured, Jonah was getting a barbaric, inhumane 21 from his team. (picture below for better understanding)
​
​
​
​
​
​
Being down 5 starters due to injury and byes left this team with very little chances of winning before the games even started. Not even scoring 70 points though is a damn disgrace. Those aren’t even rookie numbers. I am not even sure this team is able to get hard. They are in need of some serious viagra if they plan on turning this abysmal season around.
​
​
Keeping with the theme of the week, Power Rankings will be accompanied by some of the greatest motivational speeches of all time in films. Now these are in no particular order as it would be extremely hard to rank all of these. So many Great one's! I have included the link to each speech so if you are looking to run through a brick wall, go right ahead and indulge. After watching just one of the clips I guarantee your cock will be covered in goose bumps and hard as a paddle.
​
Power Rankings
​
10. San Diago Sleepers (2-6)
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
Rocky gave one of the greatest quotes of all time in this speech. “It ain't about how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” For this team they have been hit quite a bit. Like a fuck ton. Partly the manager's fault, partly because of unforeseen circumstances. So far they have not done the best with responding to the hits. They seem to be such massive blows that they have become completely incompasitated and cannot go on. This team is in crunch time as they must win every game the rest of the season if they want to make the playoffs and even then it is not guaranteed.
​
9. Vancouver Hart Foundation (3-5)
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
“Our deepest fear is that we are not that we are inadequate, but powerful beyond measure.” Gene had the team. He was making strides each week and was looking like a real contender. Then that fear sunk in. I believe he made that trade with Tony because he was afraid of the greatness. Afraid of how powerful his team was becoming. This is why he shot himself in the dick and crawled back into the shadows. You are a big hairy man Eugene, don’t be scared to show the fur. I was so high on your team just two weeks ago, but oh how the times have changed. If any of you happen to be traveling to Vancouver anytime soon I suggest bringing a raincoat or two because you are in for a real shit storm.
​
​
​
8. Luxembourg Luxe Bidets (3-5)
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
When hope was hanging on by a thread, William Wallace rode into battle, cock in hand, and rallied his men. Chris was just about thrown out of the race last week but with his latest performance showed some real cahonase. Yes he beat Gene which is just about the least impressive victory you can have right now, but his team played phenomenal. He was able to score over 125 points and played a player who has been hurt for two weeks now. Really starting to wonder if Chris is forgetting to set his lineup but either way it seems he does not have to in order to be victorious.
​
​
7. Canadian Club (3-5)
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
Aliens invaded this sandwich at the beginning of the season, though this footlong would not go down without a fight. Tony was painted as a loser, and looked to have no life left in him. Though he has turned that darkness into light. Flying high on a 3 game win streak this team could not have turned it around at a better time. His questionable trades he’s made this year are all looking like winners at this point. Tony is placing the weight of his dad bod on the shoulders of back-up running backs due to starters getting injured which could be a problem down the road, only time will tell.
​
​
​
6. Córdoba Gauchos (4-4)
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
Boobie fuckin Miles. This film is among some of most slept on pictures of all time. Though as much as it pains me to talk about their loss in the end, it really does sum up how Joe’s season is going. He started the season off like Thad Castle post game, A fully torqued cock overflowing with semen and ready to fuck. He had his number one running back Boobie Miles reincarnated in his three headed hydra consisting of Aaron Jones, Alvin Kamara and Joe Mixon. Though just like Boobie, these horses have fallen to the evil bitch that is injury. Now after looking so promising in the early goings, this team is holding on by a thread needing to get crafty with his lineup in order to reach the promised land.
​
​
​
5. Doosville Dick Defibrillators (4-4)
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
You stop it right there. This is not a race thing. Yes Alex has manifested a beautiful mixed family but that has nothing to do with why I chose this movie for him. The inspiration that comes from this movie is enough to make millions if not billions of cocks full of blood. This is why I decided to do a clip of multiple scenes from the movie above. I just couldn’t pick one. This movie makes me want to lube up my nipples and go bare chested ice sledding. As for Alex, his team is coming together and has been getting increasingly better as the season has gone. Left side, strong side, on top of a mountain, in the depths of a valley, it doesn't matter. Alex will take your team to pound town anyway he pleases.
​
​
​
4. Zachary Douche Canoes (5-3)
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
Now if this isn’t a fuckin Will Smith ‘Pursuit Of Happiness’ moment that has been happening to this team all season, I dont know what is. It has been as inspirational as could be, watching it unfold. Michael has built a boner of a team and it is beautiful to witness. Almost brings a tear to my eye. Just like Will says in the movie, “don’t let anyone ever tell you what you can or can’t do”, Michael has taken the same approach with this season. After years of being penis punched by the league and shat on for his fantasy abilities, he has said nay and charted a new course. If Luke was not getting CMC back this week I would have put Michael at the number 3 spot.
​
​
​
3. Dallas Big D’s (4-4)
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King
As you just read, the king is returning to Dallas this week. CMC in the flesh is going to be leading this team into the center of mordor with absolutely zero fucks to give. This team has held strong during the absence of their greatest warrior but that will all come to a close this week. Luke has been the juggercock multiple times this season without CMC and so I am sure that I’m not the only one who sees how dangerous this team is going to be with him back in the lineup. Mr. King Dick himself is sure to Mcsplooge all over the field in the coming weeks. Luke remains the highest scoring team in the league thus far so don’t let his record fool you gentlemen.
​
​
2. Flint Tropics (5-3)
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
​
Any given Sunday, it don’t matter, Mark is going to be ready to pulverize. Every time his team takes the field, they are more than likely going to be the favored victor. I am not going to mention the jinx I conjured because I do not want to bring any of that jew jew back to this team. Mark's team looks like it is more powerful than ever. Even with a few off weeks he still remains the third highest scoring team this season. His team has some absurd depth and looks prime to face any adversity that may come it’s way in the future.
​
1. Eugene Dirty Beaches (7-1)
​
Now this list might be hard to be able to dictate which inspirational film/scene is best but I think we can all stand in agreement that ‘Miracle’ is in a league of its own. Boy is this a fucking film and story. An overlooked USA team prevailing and showing the world who really has the biggest cocks. A lot can be said for our young Zachary. Yet his team is skating like butter through every opponent they face. A roster consisting of players that may not be your first pick, but players that are going to play till their dicks fall off. Zach showed his tears during the draft, and his team is returning the favor by leaving their blood, sweat and tears on the field each and every week.